Some thoughts about my choices surrounding mental and emotional well-being.
I've been doing some additional thinking about what I read in Leo Babauta's Little Book of Contentment. The main thrust of the book is that we need to let go of "ideals" that we create for ourselves which we can't possibly meet, and instead learn to appreciate life as it is in order to feel contentment. I liked the message, and his writing style is very calming and soothing. But I still have a hard time accepting that advice. I was raised to always try my best and to not even bother if I was only going to something "half-assed." My dad thought Yoda's line in The Empire Strikes Back should be our guiding philosophy of life: "Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
That philosophy made me reluctant to try things if I didn't know that I'd be good at it. I think the way this showed up the most in my childhood was my unwillingness to do more than one new math problem without having the teacher check it to make sure I was on the right track. Now, I'm actually really good at math so I was generally correct, and I imagine it probably drove some of my math teachers up a wall that as soon as they taught us something new I'd do one problem, then stop and get their approval before moving on. As an adult I still see this cropping up problematically from time to time. When I make the inevitable mistake, I really feel bad. I turn red, I get all upset with myself, and generally want a hole to just open up in the ground. I do take ownership of and admit my mistakes, apologize for said mistakes, and create a plan to reduce the chances of it happening again. But it's never going to matter how well I plan, I'm a fallible human being and I will continue to make mistakes. I know intellectually that it's alright to mess up and the important thing is to learn from the mistake. I also know intellectually that I can't grow if I don't try new things and sometimes fall short of my own expectations. But that knowledge doesn't really change the emotional reaction that I have to this day when I "try" and fail.
I know that I can manage my reactions better when I manage my expectations; I've seen this in action. When I started at my current job about 2 1/2 years ago after working at my prior company for over 12 years, I had to deal with a great deal of change. I had chosen to move on for several reasons, and I still think from a career trajectory standpoint it was the right thing to do. But I had made some sacrifices: The schedule didn't work as well for my family; the commute was longer, but I could use public transportation so I naively thought that would make the commute bearable; I took a fairly substantial pay cut in order to focus on one role instead of the multiple roles I had taken on over time at the last job. But I thought it would all be worth it when I could work more reasonable hours and have every Friday afternoon off. The new job schedule was 9 hours Monday through Thursday and 4 hours on Friday. Of course I generally work more than 9 hours the first four days of the week, and I still get into work at about 6:30 on Fridays so I work closer to 5 1/2 hours each Friday. But for awhile I wasn't even getting out of the office at noon on Fridays. I was getting really upset and frustrated because my schedule wasn't meeting my expectations. (And hungry, because I wasn't packing lunch on Fridays.) But then I took a step back and realized that I needed to prepare for the possibility that I'd have to work past noon on Fridays. I started packing a Luna bar in case I couldn't get out on time. Managing my expectations curbed the frustration, and made me more appreciative of the days when I did get out on time.
So I do know that the way we mentally frame a situation changes the way we react to that situation. Which means that it's highly likely that if I followed the advice in the book, I really would feel more contented. I have a fantastic life filled with wonderful people and more blessings that I can count. But I still tend to focus on the outcome and reaching the destination rather than enjoying the journey. Although I will say that I've nearly always managed to just enjoy time spent with my family with very little concern for the outcome. I just wish I could figure out how to enjoy the journey professionally. I still haven't reached the audacious professional goals that I dreamed about in high school. I found my old creative writing journal a few months ago and was reminded of what I'd written in response to a prompt about my plans for the future. They didn't actually seem that unattainable at the time, and maybe I could have chased those dreams if I hadn't decided starting a family was more important. Although I'll never regret that decision, so in some ways it does help me to experience gratitude. I also realized in reading through the journal that I was under a great deal of pressure (probably mostly self-imposed) to be the perfect student. Just more proof that I've always had an issue with my innate imperfection.
Summary of my choices around my physical well-being.
I was pleasantly surprised when I stood on the scale this morning, My Saturday dinner binge didn't totally derail my weight-loss efforts. Don't get me wrong, it didn't help, I just don't have to start back in a deficit this week. My planned workout this morning didn't happen because I awoke at 3:45 in the midst of an acute allergy attack. I'm not sure what it is that I'm allergic to, but my nose wouldn't stop running, so leaving the house wasn't really a good option. So instead I did some activities with the weights and got on our Wii fit. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get in a good jog in the morning.
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