NOT Choosing to be Awake

It's 2:20 in the morning and I'm writing a blog post.  I've struggled with staying asleep (and occasionally with falling asleep, sometimes in the same night!) for several years now.  At first it was just a couple of weeks in the summer but for the last couple of years it's been a problem from spring through fall.  I'm not one of the fabled short-sleepers who can get by on 4 to 6 hours per night.  I need 7 to 8+ hours per night in order to feel rested.  So I go around in a sleep-deprived state for more than half the year now.  This is particularly unsafe, especially since I drive to work every day.  Also, I really hate feeling like this.  I feel slow and groggy and like I just can't get my gears unstuck.

I read a study (can't remember where) that short-term sleep-deprivation didn't affect performance on projects that required intense concentration, but it seriously and negatively affected projects that required limited concentration.  You know, like driving or writing an email, which I do daily.  But I wonder if they had volunteers who were sleep-deprived over longer periods if they would have seen even the projects that required intense concentration suffer.    Or maybe I'm just trying to justify my errors to myself.

I've read several books over the years and I've picked up lots of tricks to go back to sleep.  I keep relaxing Celtic piano music and nature sounds with embedded delta waves on my phone.  I also have both the white noise and lightning bug apps on my phone.  So I have lots of listening choices to help me to drift off.  I've found that stretching my legs sometimes helps.  Sometimes getting up and sitting on the couch for a few minutes until I get cold helps.  Sometimes doing deep breathing and relaxation exercises helps.  And then sometimes (like tonight) none of this helps and I give up and read for awhile.

Two years ago I reached a point where I decided to try sleep medication.  It worked pretty well for me and I didn't have any of the interesting side effects that I've read about like sleep-eating or sleep-adventuring.  But it made it harder for me to fall asleep without it; and I just really HATE to take unnecessary medicine.  I'm pretty hard-pressed to take pain-killers unless I've had a headache for a long time and/or sleep won't cure it.  So while that worked out alright for me, it's not something that I'd like to do again.  Plus the other thing that can be hard is that most of the time I'm so tired when I go to bed that I fall asleep just fine.  Then after about 2 hours I wake up and can't get back to sleep.  In that case it's too late to take sleep medicine, so the only effective method is to take it preemptively before I even know if I need it, which is definitely not how I want to use medication.

So for the time being I'm just going through my litany of tricks and hoping that something will eventually help me to fall back asleep.  We'll see as the summer wears on if I still feel the same way.  Usually late in the summer I reach a point where I'm so tired all the time that I feel just about ready to give up.  If I reach that point again we'll see if I'm still so opposed to the medication.  Well, I've sat up for nearly 45 minutes now, I'm going to try and go back to sleep.  Wish me luck!  Although actually, never mind, I hope that you're asleep and can't wish me luck if you're reading this in any American time-zone!

Weekly Chart #6/15

I've reached my weight goal!  This chart is a posting of the beginning of my maintenance phase.

I knew that it would be hard to stop losing weight once I got started.  It's very tempting to see just how far I could go because it feels so good to have control over this.  But I've decided to stop now.  My waist is still larger than I originally had planned on, but I'm now wearing a size 6, so I think I'm OK with this size; I had been pushing the limits of my size 10 clothes back in December.

My waist-to-hip ratio is still higher than I would have hoped, but I keep losing inches off of both so I can't seem to change the ratio.  However, I think I'll ask my doctor to do a blood draw and look at all of my numbers at my next appointment.  If they're good, then I'm not going to worry about this ratio any longer.

So now I'm on to maintenance.  Here's what that means:

• I'm going to give myself an additional 50 calories per day a week at a time, until I reach my maintenance calories of about 1550 per day.  That way I can make sure that I don't start putting the weight back on.
• I'm going to continue to exercise.  I'll do strength training 3 times per week and at least 30 minutes of cardio 6 times per week.
• I'll continue to weigh in every morning so that if I start to move back up I can immediately address it by going to 1200 calories per day until it's back in line.

I originally started this for several reasons.  I'm happy to report that I'm healthier, stronger, and have more energy.  I feel more desirable for my husband, even if he always found me desirable, now I'm more secure.  I finally went shopping the other day (which I don't like to do) since my pants wouldn't stay up any longer, and I was able to see cute clothes and they looked cute on me.  This is a major accomplishment that I feel very proud of.  Of course it didn't magically transform the rest of my life, but it did transform my view of myself and what I can do.

Weekly Chart #5 (or #13)

I'm posting my fifth weekly chart, even though this is week number thirteen of tracking.  That means I haven't posted my chart every Sunday more often than I have.  Oh well, we all know what that infamous road is paved with, I guess I'm just contributing my paving stones!  Anyhow, here's my current chart:

I'm 6/10ths of a pound away from my weight goal today.  So that's super exciting.  The one area that I still really need to focus on is my waist size.  I think that perhaps my original goal of 26.5 inches may be a bit of a stretch.  But I still think I'd like to get my waist down to about 28 inches.  So that will be my next big focus once I'm on the maintenance phase of the weight.

My trick to keeping the weight off is going to be weighing myself every day.  That way if I over-indulge one day, I can nip it in the bud and get back on track the next day.  Maintenance won't be as exciting as losing weight has been; but I'll enjoy feeling better all the time!

Almost at the Ultimate Goal

This morning when I stood on the scale it read 126.0.  I'm super excited that I've been able to stick with this and make some real progress.  I just need to lose 1 more pound to hit my goal of 125.  I know that originally I stated my goal was between 125 and 128, but I thought it best to hit the bottom of that goal prior to moving to the maintenance phase.

I still have work to do to get into even better shape, but I've come so far and I look so different than I did 3 months ago.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I don't see perfection yet (heck, I probably never will); but I do see progress and improvement that makes me feel good about myself.

It's been amazing what taking control of this one aspect of my life has done for me.  My work situation is thoroughly insane these days, but I haven't totally gone off the deep end because I had control of this part of my life and have been seeing positive results every day.

Hopefully soon I'll be able to post a chart that will show a weight of 125 pounds!

I've Discovered a Healthier Version of Me

I'm going to try really hard to find the time to post my "weekly" chart this Sunday.  I'm still making good progress, although things have of course started to slow down and get harder.  At first the weight was coming off so fast, practically every morning the scale would have good news.  Now it's remaining stagnant for a longer period of time.  But it is still trending in the right direction.

The really amazing thing is how much my mind-set and my health have changed.  When I first started counting my calories using myfitnesspal I was mortified that I could only have 1200 calories.  I started exercising a lot more just to be able to eat enough.  Now my body has reset and 1200 calories is more than enough most days.  In fact to keep the weight loss going I've pretty much quit using my exercise as a way to get more calories and I've been sticking with just 1200 food calories per day.

But that doesn't mean I've quit exercising.  I'm doing just as much if not more than I was when I needed the added calories.  I really enjoy feeling stronger, and it's amazing the mood improvements I get when I exercise.  It's just a habit now.  Even during my busiest days I always find time for exercise.  Like a day recently when I was traveling for work and wasn't going to have any time for a workout and so I chose not to take the train at the airport and instead walked to my concourse.  It was only 20 minutes, but I found time even that day for something.

One of the tricks that I've been using that's really helping is to play music.  It makes me happy and it makes me want to move.  I finish up my workout with a smile on my face and in a better mood.  Gretchen Rubin recently blogged about how exercise contributes to happiness at The Happiness Project.  BTW:  This is a great blog to read if you're working on choosing happiness in your life.

On another note; I'm going to try to get some rest now.  It is almost 2 AM and I have to get up for the day in less than 3 hours. I did manage to get about 2 hours of sleep tonight before I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  Work stress.  I've frequently had problems sleeping but over the years have developed so many tricks to help me get back to sleep that I've been doing much better.  But I have a huge deadline looming at work tomorrow and haven't had as much time as I would have liked to work on it because of too many competing priorities.  Does anyone have a job any longer that doesn't expect the work of two people?  I just wish I got the salaries for all of the jobs that I'm doing!  Anyway, off to bed to try to get some sleep.  Lack of sleep definitely doesn't help with health goals!

Choosing to Share

Every winter we spend a weekend in the mountains with my parents and brother and his family.  It's a tradition that we all really look forward to.  We always go snowshoeing while we're there and it's nice after an intense workout like that to go back to the cozy cabin and have a hot lunch.  Over the years I've gotten some amazing pictures of the area that I thought I'd share with my readers.  Please enjoy!

Weekly Chart #4

I've been really bad about posting lately.  Life has gotten thoroughly insane recently.  My daughter fell and sprained her ankle so we've had to add numerous doctor and physical therapy appointments into our already packed schedule.  We went through another massive round of layoffs at work.  I'm still employed after 11 years, but it's really hard to see so many people lose their livelihood.  It also of course adds to my workload.  I'm starting to feel like the ground after heavy rains when it becomes supersaturated and the excess water can't soak in any longer.  There's a song by a band named Enchant called Juggling Knives.    There's a line in the song that keeps recurring to me right now:  "And now the choice is juggling nine or dropping ten."  So we'll see what happens next!

However, the good news in all of this is that counting my calories really is working.  I've had some weeks recently where I haven't made much progress with the weight loss, but I haven't regained either.  So right now I'm considering that to be a win since the stress has been so high.  I'm also back into exercising full-swing now after having to cut back when I got strep throat.  So even though many things in my life feel out-of-control currently; I still feel in control of my health.  Which was the true goal all along.

Here's the current chart:

I've graphed my weight loss in Excel and added a trend line.  If I keep up at my current pace I should reach my goal weight sometime in early April.  Although I've given myself until June so I won't stress out if it takes a bit longer.  I must admit to being pretty excited about being able to purchase some new spring and summer clothes.  I hope that I'll have solved my problem of seeing something that looks cute on the model but hideous on me!

I'll try to be better about posting at least weekly again!

Weekly Chart #3

This was an excellent week!  I started using the My Fitness Pal app on my android phone and it's really helping.  I've tried recording everything I ate in the past, but it never really helped.  When I tried writing it down I just didn't realize how many calories I was actually consuming.  It's amazing to me that what seems like a reasonable portion of food is actually too much.  I guess it's just from years of overeating, which would explain why I'm where I'm at.  I also tried using the computer and logging things online, but I wasn't always near a computer and then I'd forget everything I ate, so that didn't work either.

always have my phone with me, since it has my task list, calendar, phone, alarm clock...  Yeah, my life is on my phone.  But anyway, that's really helpful for tracking my calories now.  I just pull my phone out of my pocket and enter what I've eaten and it records the calories for me.  I am now starting to realize what my portions should actually be.  Another added benefit is that it's net calories, so if I exercise I can eat more.  I haven't missed a day of working out since I started tracking on My Fitness Pal because I want more than the 1200 calories I'm supposed to have each day.  So I'm getting a good workout in every day.  I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but I already feel stronger and my weight is definitely on a downward trend!  Here's the chart from Sunday, and I'm extremely pleased to report that when I stood on the scale this morning it read 143.0 pounds!

 

Weekly Chart #2

This was a pretty good week.  Although I think some of the changes in my measurements can be attributed to returning to our normal eating habits after the holidays.

It did help this week to know that I'd have to post here and that it would very embarrassing if I hadn't made some improvements.  Hopefully I can keep up this pace!

Teaching Children About Choices

I thought it was hard to choose to control my own temper; well that's nothing compared to teaching a child to control his temper.  This first week back at school after winter break is always challenging because everyone is so tired.  Tonight my son allowed his temper to run away with him again.  After he calmed down a bit I talked to him about choosing to control his temper instead of letting his temper control him.  He seemed to understand then, although he despaired of ever learning to control his temper.

Later he got upset again and said that maybe he liked giving in to his temper.  I told him that while that may be true because sometimes it does feel good to just go and let your temper have its way; that he would regret it afterwards.  He then told me that was my brain, not his, and he wouldn't feel bad afterwards.  I then reminded him that he always feels bad after he's been mean and apologizes.  His response was, "I haven't apologized this time, have I?"  At which point I demonstrated another control mechanism and left the room.

I love being a mother.  But there are times when I think the reason I am a mother is because I yearned for patience one too many times!

Choosing My Food

My son has a bad temper, just like his mother (ahem!)  For the most part we're both pretty good about choosing not to let our temper have free reign.  But we both struggle more with our tempers at certain times.  My son's temper generally rears it's ugly head when he's hungry and/or tired.  My big issue is when I'm tired, which unfortunately is most of the time because I have chosen to put too much into my life.  But that's an issue for another post.  The real fun starts when we're having issues keeping our tempers under control at the same time.  As you can imagine, my husband and daughter generally run for cover when that happens.

Yesterday was the first day back on the regular schedule after two weeks of winter break.  So we were all tired last night, and it wasn't much fun to be in our house.  My son can be pretty hurtful when he gets angry as he lashes out verbally with such gems as:  "I hate this family, I wish I could run away from it.  I'm never going to get together with this family once I'm grown up."  Interestingly, I can remember having those same thoughts; but I was a teenager and he's six.  I don't know if I had those thoughts at six or not, but we've still got a long road ahead until he reaches the teenage years.  I can't imagine what he'll be thinking then.  Hopefully we'll succeed in at least teaching him to keep those thoughts to himself by then.

I'm a stress eater.  When things are stressful I want to "treat" myself with fat and sugar.  That's exactly how I felt last night before I finally got my son in bed.  I still have some of the delicious cut-out cookies that my sister-in-law makes for Christmas in my pantry.  I wanted nothing more than to have one of those cookies with a glass of milk.  Luckily I recognized why I wanted the cookie and watched an episode of The Two Fat Ladies instead of eating.  They're a joy to watch and sometimes the food is appealing, but the food on last night's episode didn't look very good so it was rather curative!  I actually scored two wins last night:  I chose not to eat a sugar cookie, and I chose not to yell at my kids (my daughter had a rare melt-down before bed last night too).  I was pretty proud of that accomplishment since I was just as tired as they were.

Today I chose not to eat an unhealthy snack (not even sure what I was planning to eat, I just know it was going to have sugar and fat, maybe one of those cookies in my pantry)!  The method for avoiding the food was different today.  I was working at home and had just exercised.  It was probably the endorphins, but I decided that I didn't want to waste all that hard work by taking in too many calories after burning a few.  I think that the real key is making healthier food choices is consciously choosing the food.

Of course consciously choosing the right thing is the real key to everything in life.  As Sirius Black said to Harry Potter in The Chamber of Secrets (movie version), "We all have light and dark inside us; it's the part we choose to act on that defines us."  It's not our intentions or inner thoughts that make us who we are.  It's the choices we make every second of every day that add up to the person we end up being.

Charting the Course to Fitness

Yesterday I posted all of my current measurements to hold myself accountable for changing those measurements.  I can't just keep talking about doing it, I've got to make choices that will lead me there.

My goals:

• Reach a weight between 125 and 128 pounds
• Reach a BMI below 22
• Reduce my waist size to 28 inches
• Reduce my hip size to 39 inches
• Obtain a waist-to-hip ratio of under .75

I'd like to reach these goals by the end of June, 6 months from now.

How I'm going to reach these goals:

• Make choices to move more often.  I work as an analyst and spend my day in front of the computer.  Work has been very busy lately so I often sit for very long stretches of time.  I need to remember to get up and move around the office during the day.
• Make choices to eat food that is healthy for me and fuels my body properly.  I need to plan ahead and bring food that is already prepared that is good for me.  Too often I'm in such a rush that I don't make or bring the right foods with me to work and end up eating whatever I can get quickly.
• Exercise 6 days per week.  It doesn't matter which days and I'm not training for a marathon.  But I need to get some form of aerobic exercise for at least 30 minutes 6 days every week.  I also need to do strength training for at least 20 minutes 3 days per week.
• I have several exercise DVDs that I can use to help out.
• I love to walk and frequently do during lunch.
• I have all kinds of exercise equipment in the house.
• I have a subscription to Women's Health and can use the monthly exercise section to shake things up.
• I've got a Wii that can be especially helpful during the cold winter months when it can be harder to get outside during the day.
• I'm considering using a program called myfitnessbuddy on my Android phone to help with tracking food and exercise.  If I go that route I'll be sure to post a review.

So those are the goals and the plan.  I'll post updated measurements every Sunday to let you know how I'm doing following my charted course to better health and fitness.

Choosing to be...Healthy, and Accountable

I need to make different choices every day in order to be healthy again.  My father's health is in horrible condition and he expects medicine and surgery to fix all of the problems that he's created by eating poorly and getting no exercise.  Because I don't want to follow his course, I'm choosing a different one.  I am going to post my measurements here to hold myself accountable to reaching my goals.

Here's my baseline information:

Obviously my height won't be changing, but every other number needs to go down.  I'll post tomorrow about my goals and my plan and timeline for reaching those goals.