Another Turning Point

Well, we're finished with elementary school. My son's 5th grade continuation ceremony was this morning. Afterwards my husband and I took him out for brunch. Then I took him to go look at dwarf hamsters which he'll be getting this summer. This afternoon I took the both the kids out to get frozen yogurt and celebrate the last day of school.

Last day of 5th grade

During the continuation ceremony one of the speakers talked about how they had entered the school as little Kindergarten students six years ago, and now they were leaving for middle school. I have very vivid memories of the first day of Kindergarten for both of my kids. I dropped my daughter off in her class and she hollered "bye" over her shoulder as she ran off to greet the experience, while I fought tears. When my son started school, parents weren't allowed in the building, so I stood outside (fighting tears, again) as a little boy held his hand and walked him in to the building while my son was crying. I'm still working on accepting the fact that it's all done now.

First day of Kindergarten

On the weight front, I posted that my new goal is to really focus when we get back from our vacation and get down to my goal weight of 125 pounds by Halloween. I've decided that if I achieve that, I'm giving myself the reward of getting to see Crimson Peak in the theater. If not I'll have to wait to watch it until it comes out on Netflix (though not streaming, that would be cruel and unusual punishment).

I'm also all set on my summer reading. I'm reading Jane Eyre right now in this lovely leather-bound book that my grandmother got for me a long time ago (which is apparently a "rare" book now). My mom got me The Seamstress for Mother's Day. I picked up The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August while we were shopping for a retirement present for my son's teacher. I also got A History of God on an impulse buy on Kindle. So I'm all set for a few weeks anyway! For this fall I've still got October Dreams 2 which I got for my birthday in February but am waiting until fall to read.

I probably won't be posting again for a couple of weeks, and should have some pretty spectacular photos from Ireland at that time. I hope the end of the school year goes well for all my readers!

Memorial Day

We've got sunshine again! Yesterday morning and this morning the sun has been out consistently for the first time in about three weeks. Because Denver is normally so sunny, we were seeing stories in the news that people were suffering from seasonal affective disorder. I did read in the news this morning that while we aren't done with the rain (which is actually a good thing), we're going to be heading into a more typical pattern where we have sun in the morning and rain in the afternoon. I like a rainy day, or even a couple of rainy days every once in awhile, but I was starting to feel claustrophobic under constantly gray skies. I'm pleased with the change in the weather pattern.

The end of the school year continues to be busy, but we're in the home stretch now. My daughter's middle school continuation was last Friday. She is such a hard-working and conscientious student and was recognized for that with several academic awards.

My son's elementary school continuation is coming up this Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I can walk him to school one last time, then spend the day with him after the ceremony. Oh, and so I can deal with my emotions at home rather than at work. I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I'm still struggling to deal emotionally with the fact that this part of our lives is drawing to a close.

Today is Memorial Day here in the U.S. which is the day we're supposed to remember all of the service men and women who died in battle for our country. I'm remembering my dad today. He didn't die in battle, although I think it's safe to say that he did die younger than he otherwise might have partially due to physical and emotional injuries he suffered in battle.

Not everyone in the picture above survived battle though. My dad is in the top row on the left end.

This afternoon while we're having out dinner over at my in-laws (hopefully on the porch, but we'll have to see if the weather is amenable), I'll be thinking of my dad and the sacrifice he, and countless others made.

Catching my Breath and Defining Success

Whoo! It has been a crazy week here in very dreary weather. We've had all kinds of end-of-year school activities, including my daughter's first high school band rehearsal, even though she's not done with middle school quite yet. Dropping her off at the high school for an event was a bit surreal for me. It's just hard to get my head around the fact that I'll be the parent of a high school student this fall. I've been running the mom taxi full tilt because my husband also has wrap-up items for the end of the school year, my in-laws are in Texas for a wedding, and my mom (and her sister) are in Illinois visiting family, so we've lost all of our back-up plans for transporting the kids. The long Memorial Day weekend is going to be very appreciated in our house!

We haven't seen the sun since last weekend, and then it was only briefly. A friend who moved to Washington state recently posted on Facebook that she couldn't believe how sunny and warm it's been in the Pacific Northwest. Apparently we've switched weather patterns with them. It was warmer in Galway, Ireland (where we're headed in about one week!) than in Denver yesterday. It's been a little depressing to be under cloud cover for this long, but I suppose it's really good for us because everything is really green, and maybe the fire season won't be as bad this year.

Update: After I finished writing this post, the sun briefly made an appearance today!

I've been thinking lately about how we each individually define success for ourselves. I recently saw an article about the commencement speech given by Stephen Colbert at Wake Forest University. It reminded me of a comic that I saw once based on life advice from Bill Watterson (the creator of the Calvin and Hobbes comic). This morning I was listening to music on my walk (in the pouring rain) and a song that I've really been enjoying came on. It was Love The Way You Hate Me by Like a Storm. It takes a slightly less positive approach to the topic, but is basically saying the same thing as the above speech and comic: We all have to figure out for ourselves what we want to achieve and how we want to achieve it.

Based on the choices I've made over the years, I think I've always had a defined version of success for myself. But I don't think I've ever really embraced that definition before, and therefore always felt slightly guilty about my choices, even though I knew they were right for me. Lately I've been feeling less guilt because I've realized that I am making the right choices for me and my family to reach the end-state that is important to me. When I leave this world (hopefully a long time from now), I want to be remembered as a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I want my family and the other people who I've chosen to spend my time with to feel like they were valued and appreciated by me. I also hope that at least in a small way, I'll have been kind and giving to strangers and people who have been less fortunate than me.

Professionally I hope that people have tools and reports that are useful to them and help them to do their jobs. I've never been interested in climbing the corporate ladder. I like being a high-level individual contributor. That role is where I have the ability to make the largest impact while still having plenty of time for my family. This has caused friction at times in the past because it doesn't match other's definition of "success" which is to take on larger roles and start supervising others. When I communicate that I don't want to move into that type of role, I sometimes get classified as a "low potential" employee, which is true from a succession planning standpoint, but ignores the tremendous contribution I can make in my role.

Owning my definition and realizing that my choices will help me get there has really helped my attitude of late. I feel calmer and more centered because I'm not constantly second-guessing myself every time I make a choice. I suppose this is one of those advantages to growing older and getting more comfortable in one's own skin.

What about you? Do you believe that you've defined, and are making choices, based on your own personal definition of success? Do you struggle with feeling judged by others for doing so? Do you feel like you've let others define what success should look like for you?

Parental Musings

Fair warning that I'm going to be jumping up onto my soapbox today. John Oliver did an interesting piece on Mother's Day that's been showing up on several of the HR blogs that I follow, Jon Hyman being one of my favorites. I highly recommend that you click the link to watch the twelve-minute video, it's definitely worth your time. The upshot of the piece is that unlike pretty much the rest of the world, in the United States, mothers don't get paid maternity leave (and don't even get me started on paternity leave, apparently we don't think fathers matter at all). This topic is near and dear to my heart because becoming a mother was the most wonderful thing that I ever accomplished, and it also ended up having a very profound emotional impact on me, and not necessarily in the way it's supposed to.

I think I nearly went insane after my daughter was born and I realized that I wasn't going to be able to stay with her for as long as I wanted to. At one point I remember having a phone conversation with my mother who told me that she thought I needed to see a therapist. I responded to her rather brusquely, saying, "no I don't, I need to be at home with my daughter!" I was forced to make a horrific choice: pay all my bills, or stay with my baby daughter. While my parents and in-laws wouldn't have let us starve or end up on the street, relying on them to support us wouldn't have been the right thing to do. The other side of this coin, and putting all false modesty aside, is that I'm good at the work I do. I find it satisfying and fulfilling and I didn't want to walk away from my career either. I just wanted to stay with my babies until they were a little older and resume my career without penalties.

The thing is, I was luckier than most. I had a salaried job so I had short-term disability. I got 6 weeks paid leave at 60% of my salary. When I had my daughter, I could only afford to take the time off for which I would receive some pay. I ended up getting an unplanned seventh week off with her because my grandfather died so I got bereavement pay for one week. That was very bittersweet though because my grandfather was so excited about his first great-grandchild and he never got to meet her. Plus, he was the most amazing man I've ever met (you can read about him here and here), and I wasn't ready to have him exit my life.

When I had my son we were in a better financial situation and I was able to save up and take all twelve weeks allowed in the U.S. While I still wasn't ready to leave him, it wasn't as hard to leave him at three months as it was to leave my daughter when she still wasn't even two months old, though it was still really difficult. I was so stressed out by the whole situation both times that I wasn't able to keep producing milk for as long as I'd planned. Plus I'll say it again, I had it better than probably at least half of the other U.S. mothers out there who don't get any paid time off. If it was this hard for me, what must it be like for those mothers?

I have a great deal to contribute to the company I work for, and it's a symbiotic relationship where we both benefit. The company gets a really solid work product and some creative solutions to issues. I get to keep getting better at data analysis, logic problems, and math. Isn't that what we need to keep this country moving forward? Why isn't it worth having someone else cover the role for all of the talented and hardworking mothers (and fathers) out there for a few months so they can bond with and care for their newborn babies?

OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now. I remember holding my infant daughter thinking I wish I could find a way to help other mothers so they didn't have to go through what I went through. I realize that I'm not doing much right now, but maybe just making others aware will help a little bit, so thanks for reading if you stayed with me this far.

On a related note, as a parent of a teenager and an almost pre-teen, I frequently feel like a complete failure. Yesterday I saw some evidence that my husband and I might not be doing such a terrible job after all. While playing chauffeur to my daughter she told me, "I just want you and Dad to know how grateful I am that you're my parents. You let me make my own choices and don't just expect me to do what you'd do."

Later while my son was building Legos in the family room he said to his father and me, "by the way, thank you for always supporting me." So apparently (right now anyway), my kids feel loved, supported, and like they get to choose the direction for their own lives. Maybe we're are doing a decent job with this parenting thing after all.

Colorado Blue Check-In

I've decided to stop weighing myself until after we get back from our vacation. I'm hoping that I'll stop rebelling against myself in the meantime.

We've had another crazy-busy weekend. This time of year is challenging with all the end-of-year school activities, graduations, and vacation preparation. We also wanted to see the new Avengers movie, and the kids had a piano recital.

It's rained again every evening recently, and is supposed to rain every day for the foreseeable future. We have, however, been able to see our (usually) typical Colorado blue skies in the mornings.

We know it's going to rain when the clouds over the mountains look like this.

Here's what every afternoon and evening has looked like lately. We're going to be well prepared for Ireland's weather.

Photos from the piano recital. It's fun to watch...er listen to the kids progress and get better over time.

My daughter's been exercising her artistic side of late. She painted her nails like watermelons and drew an eye for fun.

Things are going to continue to be busy for the next couple of weeks, and then we'll be on vacation for a couple of weeks. So the posts may get spotty for awhile. I'll be back on my regular schedule by mid-June.

Rebel Without a Cause

Here's a sample of my internal dialogue lately.

I'm hungry.

No, I'm not; I just want some food.

OK, I want some food.

I can't have any right now, I've already had enough calories for the time being.

I don't care about the calories, I want some food.

Why do I want food right now?

I don't know, perhaps to escape the tedium of my bourgeois life?

I have a great life. There are people who have it so much tougher than I do. I'm being very ungrateful feeling bored with my life.

Great, now I feel guilty!

I know how to feel better and stop feeling so guilty: food!

No, that won't work, then I'll just feel guilty for eating and I'll regret it later.

I have to be strong and stick with my plan.

Why do I need to stick to this plan? Weight is just a number and isn't something for which people should be judging me. Besides, it's not like I'm overweight.

But I'd be more comfortable at a lower weight.

I can do whatever I want! Being an adult hasn't been as fun as I thought it would be. But I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want.

But I want to lose weight.

This one time won't hurt.

This "one" time becomes all the time though.

I want food, I'm having food.

Of course this entire mental conversation and eventual (and right now, inevitable) rebellion is against myself; which makes zero sense. I've never liked anyone telling me what to do. Apparently that extends to me.

I was so motivated to get back on track with the weight loss after not being able to fit into my snow pants this year. But then I had a dinner where I gave myself permission to "cheat", and I haven't been able to recapture that motivation since then.

So I was thinking that maybe I'm an "abstainer" using Gretchen Rubin's definition. But right now I'm like a petulant toddler and feel even more tempted if I decide eating too many calories is "off limits."
I just wish I could find a way to fuel my body without eating. Because if I could completely abstain from food, I think I'd be alright. It's this balancing act between eating enough to function and live, and not overeating that's causing me issues. Sigh...

On a related note, apparently today is National Chocolate Chip Day. I didn't even realize that was a thing. At any rate, I couldn't resist the soft cookie with chocolate chips and walnuts at work today.

The stormy sky over my daughter's school last night following her last middle school band concert.

The stormy sky over my son's school this afternoon.

Some pictures of the creek on my walk to pick up my son this afternoon.

Some of the kids that play down there built this little bridge over a narrow spot.

Stormy Skies and Exhaustion

Western sky this evening

Eastern sky this morning

We've had very unsettled weather today. The sun can't decide if it wants to hide behind the clouds or shine brightly. It was a little challenging driving my kids to piano tonight because one moment it would be gray and dreary and the next moment the sun was in my eyes making it hard to drive. Since I managed to break my (admittedly cheap) sunglasses over the weekend, I just had to deal.

I'm so tired right now that I can hardly function. Last night was a really bad sleeping night. I went to bed around 9:30 and dozed for a little while before waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. At 10:45 I gave up and headed out to the front room where I did some yoga and stretching but still couldn't sleep. At about 12:15 I tried going back to bed but still couldn't sleep. Around 1:00 after not being able to fall asleep for 45 minutes, I gave up again and went back out to the front room. I did manage to doze on the couch some that time. I went back to bed around 3:10 and managed to sleep until my alarm went off at 4:15. Needless to say, I'm dragging tonight because that was not enough rest.

I did make it through the day alright because I used my secret weapon: coffee. I drink tea ALL the time, but I don't have coffee very often. So on those days when I'm really dragging a cup of coffee gets me through my work day. I'm doing the single parent thing tonight because my husband is at band practice. I think I'm going to go to bed as soon as I get my kiddos tucked in, and I'm really hoping for better luck sleeping tonight!

Working Late

I had to work late today so I only have time for a quick check-in with some random thoughts.

This morning my drive to work (well, the bus stop) was simply lovely. The green trees bracketed a pale orange sky to the east. To the west, the front range mountains were blue with the white snow-capped peaks in the back in front of a pink sky. I wanted so badly to stop and take some pictures, but once again my job interfered with my hobby!

These pictures are from a walk I took with my husband last night. While I'd like to slow time down and keep my children smaller for a longer time, there is something to be said for them reaching an age where my husband and I can leave them at home and go for a walk.

I started doing Pilates back in the late 90s. I still occasionally do the mat routine because it's such a great abs workout. The thing I really appreciate about it is how it's taught me to hold my abdominal muscles when I'm doing any type of exercise. I think I get a better core workout using those techniques when I'm doing anything now, even bicep curls or walking.

Love/Hate Relationship

I have kind of a love/hate relationship with the place where I live. Since I'm becoming more agoraphobic and misanthropic as I get older, I don't like that there are so many people in Denver. I really dislike the traffic on the streets and in the store aisles.

One thing that I do love about Denver: The speed with which the weather changes. Yesterday morning we woke up to six inches of snow. Today the sun is out, the sky is blue, all the snow is gone, and everything is dry.

Weekly Progress Report # 19 and Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there! We're having a rather unique Mother's Day from a weather perspective.

Yep, we got about 6 inches of snow overnight. I've already noticed one tree branch sitting on the fence, I'm hoping we don't lose any others.

It was raining off and on again all day yesterday, then around 7:00 last night it turned to snow, and kept up until this morning. But now the sun is out, for the first time in over a week! So this will all be gone by tomorrow morning; that's Colorado for you.

Here's a picture out my in-laws back door when the snow first started falling last evening, it still just looks mostly wet at this point.

This picture is about an hour later when the snow started to stick.

We've had a busy weekend which by the time it's all over will have included a college graduation party and two Mother's Day celebrations. My kids were in seventh heaven at the graduation party because our friends got new puppies.

This picture is before everyone else had arrived when they had the puppies all to themselves.

The weigh-in is not such good news this week. I had a mediocre week with food choices. Most days I ate more calories than I should have, but it wasn't double or anything too outrageous. Then last night my husband and my father-in-law prepared their annual Mother's Day feast. I tried to take fairly small amounts of everything, but they had just prepared so many courses that even eating small amounts I was overly full and uncomfortable last night. My husband tries to reign his dad in, but it just doesn't work. My father-in-law always comes from a good place, but I need to figure out how to say "no, thanks" to him without hurting his feelings. Because pretty much every time I totally derail myself, it's because we've had dinner with my in-laws and my father-in-law has pushed food and drink until I give in. I'm not saying this is his fault, I'm just saying I need to figure out how to deal with this.

Here's the bananas foster my husband made to go with his homemade vanilla custard. This followed shrimp, olive salad, green salad, corn maque choux, jambalaya, and bread for a New Orleans feast.

Weight: 142.1 pounds

Weight Change: + 1.6 pounds

Tonight we're taking my mom out to dinner for Indian, so I imagine today I'll be consuming more calories than I ought to also. I've decided that I'm going to get serious again tomorrow though. We're leaving for Ireland in three weeks, and I'd really like my new pants to be a little looser for this trip. Then I'm just going to try to make sensible portion choices while we're in Ireland. Once we get back home I'll really start the push to reach my goal weight by Halloween.

Soggy

I haven't had much to say lately, so I decided not to write any posts which wouldn't have had much substance. I thought I'd check in today though so my readers would know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've been doing a pretty good job with choosing my attitude and have been feeling much better. It hasn't yet translated to eating better though. One step at a time I guess.

We've had pretty much constant rain for nearly a week now, and it's supposed to continue through this weekend. More than one person has made the comment "apparently we live in Seattle now." I actually love the rain and we need the moisture. However, I do feel for the people in Lyons and Evergreen who are finally recovering from the flooding in September of 2013, and who are now being threatened by high waters again.

Rain drops bouncing on the puddle, er...table

Droopy, green trees

Wet, drippy branches 

Green everywhere

The other thing that's been a bit of an issue is that we really have to watch where we walk, since the sidewalk and our driveway are covered with worms!

Ireland Weather Preview

Nature is currently giving us a preview of our Ireland trip. We've had overcast skies and rain on and off for several days now. The sound has been lovely and everything smells so clean and fresh. The creek is running right now, and everything is turning very green.

This is the most I've seen of the sun in about three days.

The mountains were finally visible again today. On Monday morning I could see a vague outline of the southern front-range, but the northern front-range was completely concealed behind towering clouds. I'm listening to the soothing sounds of rain and far-off thunder as I type this tonight.

Because Denver gets a high amount of sunny days each year (we're one of the sunniest places in the continental U.S.), it's kind of nice to have a change in the weather. Although I am going to be glad to see the sun again when the weather pattern is finally supposed to change next week.

Choosing My Attitude

I've been doing some heavy thinking, reading, and reflecting about my attitude of late. I even considered getting some professional help, though I ultimately decided that I didn't need to go that route. You see, I have a pretty great life and so much for which to be thankful.

• I have a loving and supportive husband.
• I have two beautiful, healthy children.
• I'm gainfully employed.
• We live in a comfortable house in a quiet neighborhood.
• We have supportive but not intrusive extended family.
• I'm safe.

People with much fewer blessings manage to be more content than I've been in quite some time (if ever). What I've come to realize is that while my life isn't perfect and there are still areas where I need to improve, it will never be enough and I will never be happy unless I choose to be. 

The past couple of days have been a good exercise in letting go of the bothersome things and focusing on being comfortable with who and where I am. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that this means I've got it all figured out. There have been times in the past where I've managed to convince myself that I could choose my attitude and choose happiness and contentment. It generally only lasts for a short time and then I'm right back into my normal habits of negative thought. However, just because I'm sure I'll continue to fall short of my own goals, doesn't mean I should stop striving.

I've also been thinking about the things that have been bothering me lately in an attempt to actually be able to deal with them.

• I miss my dad.
  This is never going to go away completely, but I can feel even now that time will lesson this pain.
• The new family dynamic without my dad has been challenging.
  My mother has been needier than I would have expected. My brother and my aunt both seem to think it's a free-for-all to express every religious and political opinion that they have now that my dad isn't there to tell them to "shut it." Learning how to ignore this irksome behavior when it's in my face is probably a good life lesson.
• I’m sad about my children growing up so fast.
  My son is in his final month of elementary school and this fall I'll have one child starting high school and the other starting middle school. I loved being a mother to young children, and I am trying to allow myself to mourn the passing of this phase of my life, while enjoying the people my children are becoming. Sometimes I also feel a little sad that I didn't always fully enjoy each moment when my children were small. Which is a good reminder to do so now.
• I thought I’d do more with my life, and I’m somewhat disappointed in myself.
  My parents, teachers, and friends all seemed to think I'd do something amazing with my life. Now I'm getting a lesson in humility because I'm no better or different than anyone else. I do try to acknowledge how lucky I am to do work that really uses my skills and abilities and pays the bills.
• I wish I’d majored in math in college.
  I've thought about getting a master's degree in math, but right now I'm just not willing to take that time away from my children. So who knows, maybe I'll be one of those elderly grandmothers who gets another college degree.
• I thought if I worked hard and did what I supposed to when I was younger that this part of my life would be easier.
  I guess I, like many young people are, was deluded and thought that somehow everything would magically become easier once I was an adult.
• I’d like to live in a more rural area so that I could experience more solitude in nature.
  But my husband loves the ease of access that we have to all different kinds of cultural and dining experiences where we are. Plus, we're close to our families and really don't want to change that. At least we live close enough to the mountains that we can experience nature when we want to.

So in many ways, I've been going through your standard mid-life crisis. I had imagined that I was coming out on the other side, but I guess I was just entering into a different phase of this crisis. Also, I've been worried that if I act alright, others will expect me to be able to handle everything. But I’m not sure that’s a legitimate concern as I can always ask for help if I get overwhelmed, even if others can’t readily tell that I’m feeling that way.

The upshot of all of this is that I'm attempting to recognize that I need to choose how I want to feel. If I want to feel more content and happier, then I must make the choice to feel that way. I can't expect the issues that will always exist in life to go away. I can make a choice to focus on the positives in my life and let go of the idea of perfection, which none of us can ever actually attain. If I make this choice (and I'll have to make it over and over again), I know that I can find that coveted contentment. Another bonus is that I should be able to stop eating for emotional reasons and actually lose weight.

Weekly Progress Report #18

Weight: 140.5 pounds

Weight Change: +2.0 pounds

I've extended my chart as I'm clearly going to need more time to lose this weight. My goal now is to be at my goal weight by Halloween. If I can't lose 15 pounds by October, I never will. It was a bad food week, because it was a bad emotional week. I am really struggling right now, and using food to deal with it. I wish I could figure out exactly what's wrong so I could deal with it in a healthier way; but I think it's a multi-layered and multi-faceted issue, so it's just going to take some time. If I ever figure out how to articulate what's going on, I'll try to share since perhaps my journey can help others.

It's been a busy weekend for us. We did our shopping for our Ireland trip (yes, I had to do so at this weight. Sigh...) Apparently my son's feet are at a size that's very unique right now, as we could not find good walking/hiking shoes for him. We went to four different stores, including REI and Cabela's and they don't carry children's shoes large enough, or men's shoes small enough. So we ended up ordering online. They have free returns in case we have to take more than one shot at finding shoes that actually fit. It was terribly frustrating, especially since I don't like to shop anyway. But we're almost ready and I'm getting really excited for some time to unplug and take a break from all of responsibilities.

I was about to go all Drum Eatenton on the birds in our front tree this morning at 4:00. It's that wonderful weather time of year where we can sleep with the windows open. I'm just trying to figure out why the birds find it necessary to get up before the sun. Especially on Sunday when I don't have to get up at 4:15!

Mountains from the southwest side of my neighborhood

Mountains from the northwest side of my neighborhood

My neighbor's pretty ground cover

We've had some beautiful weather lately with perfect temperatures. It's supposed to rain every day this coming week, so I imagine everything will continue to leaf out and turn green. I've seen some irises blooming, so I'm hoping mine will bloom in time for Mother's day.

I hope that you all have a great week, and get to see lots of beautiful nature continuing to wake for the spring!