Choosing My Attitude

I've been doing some heavy thinking, reading, and reflecting about my attitude of late. I even considered getting some professional help, though I ultimately decided that I didn't need to go that route. You see, I have a pretty great life and so much for which to be thankful.

• I have a loving and supportive husband.
• I have two beautiful, healthy children.
• I'm gainfully employed.
• We live in a comfortable house in a quiet neighborhood.
• We have supportive but not intrusive extended family.
• I'm safe.

People with much fewer blessings manage to be more content than I've been in quite some time (if ever). What I've come to realize is that while my life isn't perfect and there are still areas where I need to improve, it will never be enough and I will never be happy unless I choose to be. 

The past couple of days have been a good exercise in letting go of the bothersome things and focusing on being comfortable with who and where I am. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that this means I've got it all figured out. There have been times in the past where I've managed to convince myself that I could choose my attitude and choose happiness and contentment. It generally only lasts for a short time and then I'm right back into my normal habits of negative thought. However, just because I'm sure I'll continue to fall short of my own goals, doesn't mean I should stop striving.

I've also been thinking about the things that have been bothering me lately in an attempt to actually be able to deal with them.

• I miss my dad.
  This is never going to go away completely, but I can feel even now that time will lesson this pain.
• The new family dynamic without my dad has been challenging.
  My mother has been needier than I would have expected. My brother and my aunt both seem to think it's a free-for-all to express every religious and political opinion that they have now that my dad isn't there to tell them to "shut it." Learning how to ignore this irksome behavior when it's in my face is probably a good life lesson.
• I’m sad about my children growing up so fast.
  My son is in his final month of elementary school and this fall I'll have one child starting high school and the other starting middle school. I loved being a mother to young children, and I am trying to allow myself to mourn the passing of this phase of my life, while enjoying the people my children are becoming. Sometimes I also feel a little sad that I didn't always fully enjoy each moment when my children were small. Which is a good reminder to do so now.
• I thought I’d do more with my life, and I’m somewhat disappointed in myself.
  My parents, teachers, and friends all seemed to think I'd do something amazing with my life. Now I'm getting a lesson in humility because I'm no better or different than anyone else. I do try to acknowledge how lucky I am to do work that really uses my skills and abilities and pays the bills.
• I wish I’d majored in math in college.
  I've thought about getting a master's degree in math, but right now I'm just not willing to take that time away from my children. So who knows, maybe I'll be one of those elderly grandmothers who gets another college degree.
• I thought if I worked hard and did what I supposed to when I was younger that this part of my life would be easier.
  I guess I, like many young people are, was deluded and thought that somehow everything would magically become easier once I was an adult.
• I’d like to live in a more rural area so that I could experience more solitude in nature.
  But my husband loves the ease of access that we have to all different kinds of cultural and dining experiences where we are. Plus, we're close to our families and really don't want to change that. At least we live close enough to the mountains that we can experience nature when we want to.

So in many ways, I've been going through your standard mid-life crisis. I had imagined that I was coming out on the other side, but I guess I was just entering into a different phase of this crisis. Also, I've been worried that if I act alright, others will expect me to be able to handle everything. But I’m not sure that’s a legitimate concern as I can always ask for help if I get overwhelmed, even if others can’t readily tell that I’m feeling that way.

The upshot of all of this is that I'm attempting to recognize that I need to choose how I want to feel. If I want to feel more content and happier, then I must make the choice to feel that way. I can't expect the issues that will always exist in life to go away. I can make a choice to focus on the positives in my life and let go of the idea of perfection, which none of us can ever actually attain. If I make this choice (and I'll have to make it over and over again), I know that I can find that coveted contentment. Another bonus is that I should be able to stop eating for emotional reasons and actually lose weight.