Fair warning that I'm going to be jumping up onto my soapbox today. John Oliver did an interesting piece on Mother's Day that's been showing up on several of the HR blogs that I follow, Jon Hyman being one of my favorites. I highly recommend that you click the link to watch the twelve-minute video, it's definitely worth your time. The upshot of the piece is that unlike pretty much the rest of the world, in the United States, mothers don't get paid maternity leave (and don't even get me started on paternity leave, apparently we don't think fathers matter at all). This topic is near and dear to my heart because becoming a mother was the most wonderful thing that I ever accomplished, and it also ended up having a very profound emotional impact on me, and not necessarily in the way it's supposed to.
I think I nearly went insane after my daughter was born and I realized that I wasn't going to be able to stay with her for as long as I wanted to. At one point I remember having a phone conversation with my mother who told me that she thought I needed to see a therapist. I responded to her rather brusquely, saying, "no I don't, I need to be at home with my daughter!" I was forced to make a horrific choice: pay all my bills, or stay with my baby daughter. While my parents and in-laws wouldn't have let us starve or end up on the street, relying on them to support us wouldn't have been the right thing to do. The other side of this coin, and putting all false modesty aside, is that I'm good at the work I do. I find it satisfying and fulfilling and I didn't want to walk away from my career either. I just wanted to stay with my babies until they were a little older and resume my career without penalties.
The thing is, I was luckier than most. I had a salaried job so I had short-term disability. I got 6 weeks paid leave at 60% of my salary. When I had my daughter, I could only afford to take the time off for which I would receive some pay. I ended up getting an unplanned seventh week off with her because my grandfather died so I got bereavement pay for one week. That was very bittersweet though because my grandfather was so excited about his first great-grandchild and he never got to meet her. Plus, he was the most amazing man I've ever met (you can read about him here and here), and I wasn't ready to have him exit my life.
When I had my son we were in a better financial situation and I was able to save up and take all twelve weeks allowed in the U.S. While I still wasn't ready to leave him, it wasn't as hard to leave him at three months as it was to leave my daughter when she still wasn't even two months old, though it was still really difficult. I was so stressed out by the whole situation both times that I wasn't able to keep producing milk for as long as I'd planned. Plus I'll say it again, I had it better than probably at least half of the other U.S. mothers out there who don't get any paid time off. If it was this hard for me, what must it be like for those mothers?
I have a great deal to contribute to the company I work for, and it's a symbiotic relationship where we both benefit. The company gets a really solid work product and some creative solutions to issues. I get to keep getting better at data analysis, logic problems, and math. Isn't that what we need to keep this country moving forward? Why isn't it worth having someone else cover the role for all of the talented and hardworking mothers (and fathers) out there for a few months so they can bond with and care for their newborn babies?
OK, I'm stepping down from the soapbox now. I remember holding my infant daughter thinking I wish I could find a way to help other mothers so they didn't have to go through what I went through. I realize that I'm not doing much right now, but maybe just making others aware will help a little bit, so thanks for reading if you stayed with me this far.
On a related note, as a parent of a teenager and an almost pre-teen, I frequently feel like a complete failure. Yesterday I saw some evidence that my husband and I might not be doing such a terrible job after all. While playing chauffeur to my daughter she told me, "I just want you and Dad to know how grateful I am that you're my parents. You let me make my own choices and don't just expect me to do what you'd do."
Later while my son was building Legos in the family room he said to his father and me, "by the way, thank you for always supporting me." So apparently (right now anyway), my kids feel loved, supported, and like they get to choose the direction for their own lives. Maybe we're are doing a decent job with this parenting thing after all.
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