Cautiously Optimistic

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic right now, because I think breaking my weight-loss down into smaller increment goals is going to work. I feel very motivated to lose the three pounds that I set as my goal for this 10-day window. As another way to keep myself motivated, I'm tracking my weight and calorie consumption daily, and I will be sharing that chart with you all on the tenth day. So I will have to publicly demonstrate to everyone that I'm keeping my commitments to myself.

I was a little worried about starting this personal challenge this week since we have family in town and we're eating dinner differently. But thus far I've been really good about eating very small amounts during the day so I have enough calories left for a reasonable dinner. On Tuesday morning we had an all staff meeting and I sat between two co-workers who were noshing on bagels smeared with cream cheese and cinnamon rolls. It actually felt somewhat empowering to make the decision not to eat anything at the meeting since I'd already had my oatmeal for the morning.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but for the first time in a long time I am starting to see that proverbial light at the end of this tunnel.

Eating the Right Amount for the Right Reasons

So I finished watching A Nightmare on Elm Street yesterday, and I have to say that it's much less frightening and much campier than I remember it being. It was still a unique premise and I still enjoyed watching it though.

I'm on day 1 of my 10-day self-challenge, and I'm happy to report that it's going really well. I really (really, really) hope that by breaking this down into smaller increments I can make some real and sustained progress, because I'm just plain uncomfortable at my current weight.

I have been giving a great deal of thought to the reasons that I eat too much, and I've identified several issues that I'm hoping to address now.

Most of the items listed above were in a post I wrote last week and never published, because I was feeling so down about my lack of progress and allowed the post to go in a very negative direction. I think this is a more productive post and I believe that through a concerted effort with more short-term goals that I will finally be able to get my eating under control and lose the excess weight I'm carrying right now.

New Plan

Snapdragons in my front yard.

I've been trying to get my eating under control so that I can lose weight for nearly three years now, and haven't had any success. I believe it was Einstein who said that doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. So instead of just continuing to do what I've been doing and getting more and more frustrated and angry with myself, I'm going to take a different approach.

I know what my ultimate goal weight is, and I'm still planning to get there. But since right now that means losing about 20 pounds, I need to break this into smaller increments. I know that if I start experiencing some success, it'll motivate me to keep going. I also know that if I think in the shorter-term, it's easier to commit to eating right. So my plan is to start tomorrow and eat clean for 10 days. I know I can manage 10 days, and that the scale will start moving in the right direction again. Then I'll do it again for 10 days, and again after that, etc.

It is going to be a challenging time because my cousin and his family are in town and we'll be having dinner with them nearly every night. But if I make good choices during the day, I should go into dinner with enough calories that I can eat a reasonable meal.

I'll be checking in with my progress on Wednesday, August 5th for my first 10-day cycle. At that time I'm hoping to report that I ate 1300 or fewer calories each day, and that I've lost three pounds. If I stick with this plan, I will still be able to reach my goal weight in time for Halloween and the theatrical release of Crimson Peak (my reward for hitting my goal). But I'm hoping by mentally approaching this differently, it won't feel as overwhelming or daunting. Wish me luck!

This is totally unrelated to the rest of my post, but I'm super excited because Netflix just added the original Nightmare on Elm Street to streaming. The movie reminds me of my childhood and sleepovers in my best friend's basement. It's also a very unique horror movie that is just plain enjoyable to watch. So I've been watching a few minutes at a time on my tablet in between loads of laundry this morning. The other exciting development is that I ordered a large print of a photo I took of Kylemore Abbey when we were in Ireland from Shutterfly. It turned out beautifully and looks so nice on our dining room wall. I've got a couple of smaller, canvas prints on order also and am very excited to see those on my walls!

Hanging on the dining room wall. You can see the corner of the chandelier also.

MIA Checkin

I realize I've been kind of MIA this week. With my husband and son being out of town, I've been spending every free moment hanging out with my daughter so haven't really had time to write. I also don't have much to say right now, well, I don't have much to say out loud anyway. I'm saying plenty in my own head, but it's kind of dark at the moment and not really something that anyone else would want to hear.

I thought that maybe I'd sleep better this week with our king-sized bed all to myself, but no such luck. I have, however, been able to toss and turn with impunity and without regard for anyone else. I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon about sleeping pills. I'll probably restrict myself to no more than once or twice per week, but I'm hoping that occasionally being able to sleep through the night will really start to make a difference in my energy level.

I took today off from work since it's my last day alone with my daughter, and slept in (well, after waking up early and forcing myself to stay in bed longer). So when I got up, the sun was already up and it was already kind of hot outside. Instead of going outside for my morning workout, I used our recently inherited treadmill in our reorganized basement which now contains all of our workout equipment. Our weights, exercise balls, yoga mats, etc. used to be scattered throughout several rooms in the house and we had to gather what we needed prior to starting a workout. This new arrangement is so much easier, and makes the house look nicer also. We got the treadmill after my husband's grandmother took a spill and broke her leg and some ribs. She's recovering beautifully and has already moved into her new senior apartment, but she couldn't use the treadmill any longer so gave it to us.

My eating has been...acceptable this week. Acceptable meaning I'm not gaining any weight. However, I'm still eating too many calories to lose weight. This is why my thoughts have been so dark of late, and why I haven't felt like posting as much. I just can't seem to get this figured out. I just don't have any motivating thoughts worth sharing.

As far as the future, I'm looking forward to seeing my husband and son again this evening. I will probably have a hard time posting next week also because my cousin and his family are coming for a visit. We always have such a nice time visiting when they're here, so maybe the following week I'll be in a better head space and have the time to post more regularly.

Just Me and My Girl

I had a post about my issues with eating and food ready to go yesterday, but I decided it was too negative and not ready for primetime.

My husband and son are in Moab together right now so my daughter and I are spending quality time together. Tonight when I took her to piano lessons I was able to go for a real walk. For the first time in a long time I only had to contend with a few errant raindrops in an otherwise sunny sky.

I grabbed a couple of pretty flower shots while I was out and about.

One of the many busy bees on these flowers.

Weekly Progress Report #23

Weight: 143.5 pounds

Weight Change: +0.2 pounds

I apologize for not getting my post up on time yesterday. My daughter and I went out to breakfast together, went hiking at Moraine Park, and had a picnic lunch. Then we we got home I had a raging headache and had to lie down. Then it was time for dinner, and there was laundry to finish, so I just never found time to fit it in.

All of the pictures in this post are from my cellphone camera. I was debating whether or not I wanted to take my camera and deal with the bulky extra weight on the hike, and then forgot to grab it; so that made my decision for me. The pictures aren't as nice, but they still captured our day together. We were hiking near where we spread my dad's ashes last fall, so it was kind of nice to visit and be reminded of him.

Me and my girl. We unintentionally matched shirts.

On the path in the meadow, with the beautiful Rockies in the background.

A pine tree growing out of a rock.

The fast moving river.

Despite these signs near the river, we still saw people out on the rocks. Apparently someone was going for the Darwin award.

The rocky trail in the Rocky Mountains.

It was such a nice morning with my daughter. It was amazing how easy it was to visit and connect away from all of the normal distractions. She told me she'd give me the same Mother's Day present next year, although we didn't need to wait that long if I didn't want to. I think I wasn't the only one who really enjoyed the day!

Flowers and No News

I realize I haven't posted in a couple of days. It's another case of nothing really going on, so I just don't have anything to write about.

We had a nice, sunny morning so I got outside and did some much needed weeding in the yard. With all of the extra moisture we've been getting, the weeds are flourishing right now. The inevitable afternoon storm is moving in now, which made for excellent lighting to get a few shots of some of my flowers.

I took the shot below the other evening. This is basically what it looks like every evening right now since the clouds and storms show up nearly every afternoon.

Tomorrow morning my daughter is taking me out to breakfast, then we're going to go hiking and have a picnic lunch together. It's my mother's day present, just a bit delayed. My husband is taking my son and one of his friends to see Ant Man at the theater while we're off hiking. My weekly progress report will come a little later in the day than usual with the morning activities. Although I think I'll just be breaking even this week. I didn't do such a great job with the My Fitness Pal app every day. But I have been doing more intense workouts again, so at least I feel healthy, even with the excess weight. I really better get it figured out though, or I won't be able to see Crimson Peak in the theater!

Living Dangerously

My daughter had piano lessons again this evening, and like every other recent evening, we were in the midst of a heavy rain and thunderstorm. But there was no way I was sitting in the car through a lesson again tonight. Safe or not (and it really wasn't since lighting was less than a tenth of mile away), I was going for a walk.

I'm glad I went. I heard train whistles, bird songs, and thunder, which thankfully became more distant as the walk went on. The sun actually was out for most of the day, but it was while I was in my office at work, so I didn't really get to see it. It did start peeking out around the clouds again towards the end of my walk.

I've been doing a decent, though not perfect job with my food this week. I'm eating more slightly calories than I should be, but I'm not throwing my hands up and just pigging out either. If I can keep this up and just make some slight adjustments, I really think I might be on the right path this time.

Dreary

The meteorologists don't always get it right. We've had another gray, rainy day. I think I might be suffering from seasonal affective disorder. In Denver. In July.

We saw more sun when we were in Ireland, sheesh!

Weekly Progress Report #22

Weight: 143.3 pounds

Weight Change: -2.0 pounds

I made positive progress this week. I actually won an internal debate with myself yesterday afternoon, so I'm feeling pretty good about that. I wanted dark chocolate and natural peanut butter pretty badly. These foods aren't bad for me per se, but there is a very high calorie count associated with peanut butter. So as much as I wanted to eat that snack, I decided that it wasn't worth it because it wouldn't help me to achieve my goals. It's been a long time since this type of internal argument has ended well, so perhaps I am truly making some progress now.

This morning I had another positive experience. Sometimes I look in the mirror and all I see are my imperfections and the excess fat on my body. This morning when I looked in the mirror I was able to look past the flaws and see the muscle tone which is a result of a strong commitment to regular workouts. Wanting to allow that muscle tone to show through could be another good motivator to losing some of this extra weight.

We've had a couple of sunny days recently, and it sounds like the coming week is supposed to be pretty sunny (and unfortunately, hot). Then next weekend the storm pattern is supposed to move back in and the rest of the summer is supposed to be fairly rainy. The meteorologists are also predicting early and heavy snows this fall. Which actually sounds kind of exciting to me since I love snow and cooler weather.

These pretty purple flowers are the blooms on a ground cover we have in our back yard. I have no idea what it is since it was here when we moved in, but I do love it when it blooms. It's really cool because it's one of those types of flowers that closes every night and reopens every day in the sunlight.

Strolling Down Memory Lane

I've mentioned before that my husband is off during the summer so he's currently doing projects around the house. His latest project is converting all of our old VHS home movies into a digital format. Yesterday evening I got to watch my wedding. Today I got to see excerpts from my now 14-year old daughter's first year of life. By the time my son was born we were exclusively on digital devices, so I've watched videos from his infancy from time-to-time, but this was the first time, probably since we made the recordings, that I've seen video of my daughter from that age.

It's almost magical to see ourselves as newlyweds and new parents again. We were so young and inexperienced back then. My daughter was the center of our family's universe. She was the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and the first great-grandchild for some of our grandparents. It was also very wonderful to see video of people who aren't with us any longer. I saw an aunt, an uncle, a grandfather, and a great-grandfather who have since died. We saw my husband's grandmother not only while she was still alive, but before the Alzheimer's had stolen much of her personality. But my very favorite was getting to see my Dad walk me down the aisle, and watching our easy interactions during my daughter's first birthday party.

My husband asked if it made me sad. I told him no, it actually reminded me of how wonderful our lives have been and made me feel very grateful. I've been feeling a little down lately, I think because I'm so tired (I do have a doctor's appointment on July 24th to do something about that). So it was exactly what I needed. I also a very productive half day at work today, so between the two I'm feeling much better now than I was this morning.

Brief Sunshine

Look what I saw today: Sunshine!

It's been a few days since we've seen the sun, and it's gone behind the clouds again this afternoon, but at least it hasn't been overcast all day. I was starting to wonder, and not for the first time this summer, if I'd been transported to the Northwest without my knowledge.

I saw a wonderful little quote today when I was reading the comments on one of the blogs I follow.
"The plural of anecdote is not data." I wish I'd had such a clever come-back for one particular instance when someone tried to "prove" a point by telling me about one anecdote.

I didn't do as well with my food today, but instead of just deciding that the whole day was shot once I'd made one bad choice and totally pigging out, I stopped and ate right for the rest of the day. If I can get this down, I think I might really have a chance at making some progress.

Solitude Solution

Thistles against our gray, rainy sky.

Today has been a very difficult day. I've managed not to use food to deal with the problems though, so that's a win. Instead of eating, I went for a walk and listened to Van Morrison's Moondance album. What I really wanted to do was sit behind my grandmother's barn like I used to when I was young and things were upsetting me. It was in the middle of nowhere and I didn't see other people at all. There is nothing that rejuvenates me like being alone in nature. Unfortunately there were other people on the path along the creek tonight. But getting outside even for a little while really did help. Then eating dinner with my family finished making everything all better.

Getting Back on Course

Lately I've been feeling a little down, and pretty bad about myself because I've been unable to make any progress in losing weight. So I've decided that I need to make some fundamental changes to provide myself a better chance of success.

I'm going to start getting some sleep. I've reached the point where I'm willing to try sleeping pills again. I won't use them daily, but I can't keep functioning at such a reduced capacity because it negatively impacts every part of my life. I know it's contributing to why I seem to be unable to make good food decisions when it's in front of me.

I'm going to work on my stress. I'm honestly not even sure why I feel stressed any longer. I have so much in my life for which to be grateful, and all in all it's a pretty good and comfortable life. Even so, I frequently feel tense and stressed. So I'm working my way through a stress management book. I'm hoping that will also help me to sleep better and mean the pills will just be a back-up plan.

I'm going to faithfully use My Fitness Pal again. It was by tracking my calories with that app that I was able to lose weight in the past. I've been using it in a very spotty fashion for the past three years. It's time to be diligent again and keep myself honest on the number of calories I'm consuming. I'm happy to report that today I ate the proper number of calories and the right kinds of food.

I'm going to try to be kinder to myself. Everything I've ever read about weight-loss (or any personal improvement) is that people are more successful when they treat themselves with kindness. I haven't been feeling very good about myself lately, and even getting back down to my goal weight won't change that if I don't figure out how to accept me as I am. I realized something today that may really help: I am important enough to feel better.

I know I've re-committed in the past and done well for a short time, but was never able to sustain it. So I guess there's no guarantee that this time will be any different. But I'm hoping that a more multi-faceted approach dealing with some of the underlying issues will yield a better result.

We've had a couple of nice, rainy days and the temperature tonight is just perfect, even if the humidity is higher than I'd like

Water droplets on the spider web in the evergreen bush.

Another view of the water-covered spider web.

The beautiful lilies in my backyard.

Rain drops on the leaves.

Book Recommendation: I just finished listening to the Drunken Fireworks audio book by Stephen King this morning while I was working out. I love his writing and his character development, and it was so much fun to listen to someone read his work with a North Eastern accent. I definitely recommend it for anyone who enjoys audio books.
I may make this a regular feature since I read so much (in this rare case, listen) and like to share good books with others.

Weekly Progress Report #21

Well, another week of utter, and abject failure under my belt.

Weight: 145.3 pounds

I don't really have anything else to say about it right now. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

Happy 4th of July!

We spent the morning at Brainard Lake with my family, kind of hiking. It's hard to get a real hike in with little kiddos running around!

 

Now we're sitting here listening to the thunder roll through, I'm hoping that the storms will clear out before this evening so we can walk over the city park to watch tonight's fireworks with my in-laws. I hope that you have a great holiday and get to spend it with the people you enjoy!

Reminder

I saw this article this morning that reminded me about the mindset I had when I started this blog. It could have used an editor since there are some missing words and duplicate periods, although sometimes when I look back at my old posts I groan when I see those types of errors. But leaving the typos aside, it's a well-written article that reminded me how important my daily choices are; and that I'm frequently making the wrong choice if I ever really intend to achieve my goals.

Hillside in Ireland on the way to Dublin from Limerick

I'm experiencing vacation withdrawal. Both because Ireland was so beautiful and rural and I loved it; and because I miss being with my family full-time. Tuesday night my husband had a meeting so it was just me and the kids. At one point my son got upset and left the family room. I figured I'd give him a few minutes to calm down, since he was upset because I called him out for eating too many pieces of candy. When I went to check on him he was in bed asleep. It made me really sad because during the summer I leave the house before anyone else is awake, so I didn't get to say goodnight or tell him to have a good day. I did write him a note and left it on his lunch box, and I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping. But it's not quite the same thing as giving him a hug and telling him to have a good day in person.