Control and the Comfort Zone

I've been reminding myself lately that it's alright to feel hungry.  Experiencing mild hunger from time to time is not harmful, especially when you have some reserves on your body.  When I ran track in high school I remember one of the coaches telling us we were just afraid to push ourselves outside of our comfort zone, and that we could actually run longer and faster than we thought we could; if only we were willing to allow ourselves to experience some discomfort.  Obviously this coach didn't mean push ourselves to injury, just that it's okay to not always feel comfortable.  I think it's the same thing with eating, I've become pretty used to feeling comfortable, so I have to remind myself that hunger between meals doesn't need to be fed, and it's not going to harm me if I just let it be.

When I lost 35 pounds several years ago, it was during an extremely stressful time at work.  I remember one of my co-workers and closest friends asking me why I was even bothering with losing weight when we were dealing with mergers and RIFs.  I told her it was one thing I could control, and it felt good to have control over something and to be making progress.  I'm playing mental games with myself here, but if they help me to achieve my goal of better health and a more comfortable weight, then I don't have any problems with messing with my own head.  Especially when my scale has stared moving down again.

Fall colors on a recent sunny day

Fallen leaves covered in yesterday's rain

Weekly Weigh-In # 8

Well, I flat-lined this week.  I didn't gain any weight, which is good, I just maintained the same weight for the whole week.  I'm also a day late posting my weigh-in, more on that below.  I think traveling last week really threw me off, and it was hard to get back into the proper head space for making good food choices.  This weekend I went grocery shopping and picked up some healthy and low-calorie options for myself so they'd be on hand and accessible and I wouldn't have to think too hard when it was time to pick my food.

Weight:  137.4

I haven't posted much recently because I didn't necessarily want to take my readers along with me on my emotional roller-coaster ride.  I'm not surprised by how busy and stressful work has gotten lately, it's pretty much the regular cycle; and I am still very grateful to be employed.  However, I am having a difficult time dealing with it since home has also been pretty stressful so I feel like I don't have any time to recharge.  I think we're going to have to reach out to the specialists again to get some new tools to help my son.  He was doing so much better than he had been, then school started again.  He did really well for the first couple of weeks, but now we're struggling again, and seeing some new and rather unpleasant behaviors.  

The thing is, we have the type of structured and supportive home-life that should help.  My husband was a fourth-grade teacher for 17 years (now he teaches the teachers).  I ran a before and after school program for several years right after college and was really good with the troubled kids.  If there is any family that should be equipped to deal with a difficult child, it's us.  But we've run out of tools and ideas...and patience.  I just need some time where I don't have to wallow in stress to recharge a bit, so I have the patience again.  Right now it just feels like there's no chance to come up for air.  I realize that I need to make that time, but every time I plan on making that time, something happens and my plans go out the door.

I read an article this weekend about a mother of a difficult child who was dealing with so much stress that she had a type of heart problem similar to a heart attack.  Quite frankly I'm a little worried that if I don't do something to manage my stress, that's the road I'll be headed down.  Since all of this is making me want to have a break from myself, I didn't want to share any of it while I was at the apex of my emotional response.  Hopefully I'll figure out how to deal with this stress and will feel more like sharing.

We did get in a nice leaf drive up in the mountains this weekend.  I told myself to grab a sweater before we headed up since it was only about 72 degrees (Fahrenheit) at home, then forgot.  It was 52 degrees up in the mountains, and I was rather chilly when we stopped and got out to walk around and take pictures.  My dad would be incredibly disappointed that I didn't practice my 7 Ps:  Proper prior planning prevents piss-poor performance.

While Colorado's prevailing autumnal color will always be yellow, some of the aspen trees had orange leaves, a few were even leaning towards red up close.

I Could Use a Clone

Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I could just clone myself.  One of me to take care of work responsibilities, and one of me to take care of home responsibilities.  I didn't realize that having children meant that I would have so much homework again.  But it's our parental responsibility to check our son's planner and folder every night, make sure he's doing everything he's supposed to be doing, help him when he doesn't understand the assignments, and watch for information about things we have to do as parents.  It's a bit overwhelming on top of a full-time job, a home and yard to maintain, and trying to find some time to enjoy my family.  Although I am extremely grateful that my daughter stays on top of all her school work on her own, and just asks for help occasionally.  I don't know how single parents or people with more than two kids do it!

We got a letter from my son's teacher last night that he hadn't completed an assignment, and asking why we hadn't signed and returned the letter about it that she sent home last week.  I was out of town on a business trip last week, and my poor husband was trying to hold it all together himself.  I put a note on the new letter (after finding and signing the letter from last week too) saying that I was out of town and Dad was doing it all on his own.  My intention was to convey that my husband had been going it all alone without any help and so something had slipped through the cracks.  My husband saw the note and took it as my saying that he's a loser father not capable of handling things if I'm not around.  Since I think he held it together better than I would have, that certainly wasn't what I meant.  So that darn letter about this missing homework assignment even caused some marital strife.

My son's teacher has been teaching for 43 years, so when it comes to technology she's not on the leading edge.  Our school district offers an online parent portal, but my son's teacher refuses to use it.  So I don't actually know what my son is supposed to be doing unless he writes it down in his planner, and he's a 10-year old with ADHD.  I've even tried checking her website, but since she doesn't update that, I have no idea what's due if he doesn't write it down, yet I feel like I get in trouble if his work isn't done.  Sigh... 

I am Fortunate

I heard some wonderful and relaxing sounds on my walk this morning.

• Coyotes howling and yipping
• Insects singing
• A distant train whistle

I spend a great deal of time worrying about how I want my life to be different.  The big change that I want is to work part-time and/or from home so I have more time for my family.  This is particularly important to me because I have a challenging child.  But some things have happened recently to remind me how truly fortunate I am.

I have a professional job that supports my family and where I can use my skills to contribute to something larger than myself.  I get vacation time, sick time, and paid holidays.  I know that many other people fight to get enough hours to pay the bills and have to go to work even when they're sick.

My son is very challenging, but I'm so very lucky to have two healthy, bright, beautiful children.  I'm also extraordinarily lucky to have a partner to help me with this, and everything else.  My husband still loves me after 15 years of marriage and is still willing to stand by my side.  He even still finds me attractive, though I do not look like I did when I was 25 including carrying a few extra pounds.  Some of my friends who are dealing with challenging children are doing it basically alone, even some of them who are married.

While I live in suburbia, thanks to the creek that runs behind our house right into the rather extensive nearby open space, I still get to experience nature.  I think my soul would shrivel up and die if I wasn't around green and growing things on a regular basis (Las Vegas has never been very fun for me), so I am really fortunate to be able to see trees and plants every day.

For anyone who writes, I'm sure this experience will resonate:  I write the most wonderfully brilliant things in my head when I'm walking and showering.  Then by the time I can get in and sit down at a computer, the writing just doesn't flow as well, the words don't come as easily.  So this post sounded even better this morning, but at least I still got it down to share with others.

Welcome, Autumn!

Hello there, autumn.  I'm so happy to see you again!

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you probably realize that I LOVE autumn.  It's a wonderful time of year where the weather starts to become more comfortable, the colors start to blaze, and my proclivity for horror is accepted more readily.

There are several activities that we undertake each fall which I relish, and anticipate for months:

• Driving up into the mountains to see the changing colors.
• Reading The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving with my children.
• Reading the stories in October Dreams edited by Richard Chizmar and Robert Morrish, without my children.  (I'm squealing like a little girl inside right now as I just discovered that a follow-up anthology called October Dreams II is forthcoming from Cemetery Dance Publications!)
• Watching Disney's version of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow on The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad DVD.
• Watching The Lady in White with my children (my husband takes a pass on this one).
• Watching Monster House and The Nightmare before Christmas as a family.
• Going to the local pumpkin patch which is pretty impressive with the Flatirons in the background, and picking out our pumpkins and caramel apples.
• Carving our Jack-O-Lanterns and getting messy together as a family, then roasting the seeds.
• Helping the kids get dressed up in their Halloween costumes.
• Having our parents and my brother over on Halloween for a seasonal dinner of squash soup and pepitas.
• Being allowed to watch horror movies for the whole month of October without any arguments (or questions about my sanity).

I love the smells in the air during this season.  I love the sounds of leaves crunching underfoot and wind rattling the dry leaves still in the trees.  I love the splendor and intensity of the colors that lasts for such a brief time.  I also enjoy that once you get into the fall season, it's socially acceptable to begin anticipating the holiday season.

I do kind of miss when my kids were little (and we still had cable) and they'd watch Nick, Jr. and we'd hear the Falling for Fall song.  It's funky and fun, plus it teaches preschoolers how to use the word "prevaricating" in a sentence, I mean, you gotta love that!

Weekly Weigh-In # 7

I realize that I'm a day late on this post; life just got in the way of my motivation yesterday.  I did put a little weight on this week, but given that I was on a business trip in Chicago and it's less than 1 pound, I'm actually going to count this one as a win.  Well, maybe not a win, but definitely not a loss.

Week 7:  137.4

I was on a business trip with a co-worker and thought it would be exceptionally rude not to eat with her, so I made the decision to put some of my eating plans on hold.  However, I did still really try to pay attention to my portion sizes, and the type of food I ordered (when we weren't eating Chicago-style pizza anyway).

One of the most difficult things that I've found about making good food choices is dealing with social situations.  My husband's family are total foodies, and they like to eat out at nice restaurants to celebrate.  At every job I've ever held, meals and food are often the key type of celebrations for birthdays and project accomplishments.  Sometimes I just don't worry what anyone else will think and just put my foot down and won't participate, but other times I give in and eat like everyone else.

At any rate, I'm back home again this week and it should be easier to be in situations where I can make better food choices.  So hopefully next week will be moving back down again, even if I'm not being overly hard on myself this week.

Home Again

I got home from my business trip to Chicago last night around 10:30 PM.  I'm so very glad to be back home.  I really enjoy visiting the city, though I'm always ready to come home after a few days and spend time in nature again.  I was also very happy to get back to my regular camera instead of only having my camera phone, although it was an acceptable backup.

City from Navy Pier

Chicago Tribune building from the river

It's probably just in my head, but I feel like I can actually breath deeper and more easily when I start walking through the terminal at DIA after I've been gone for awhile.  It was a little disappointing that my family was asleep by the time I got home, but it was wonderful to greet them this morning after nearly a week away.

I came home to an autumnal haze in the trees, with fall only a few days away.  I spent some time on the creek today enjoying the views.

Final Night in Chicago

Last night after class I had to rush back to the hotel room and work until the minute we had planned to leave for dinner.  Then after a tapas dinner we walked around for awhile so I wasn't able to post again last night.  I'm very excited to be going home this evening.  Everyone will be in bed by the time I get home, so I won't actually see my family until tomorrow morning, but I'll know that I'm back with them.

The co-worker who I've been traveling with is a really good travel companion.  She likes to try all different kinds of food and explore the city.  We've been to 3 different neighborhoods here and seen some beautiful buildings, churches, and courtyards.

Hancock building behind the waterworks building

Streetlight

Doors at St John's Episcopal Church

Once I get back home and get settled my posts should contain a little more meat again!

City Lights

Yesterday was another day of training for 8 hours, and then we had dinner at Lou Malnati's pizza; which some argue is the best pizza in Chicago, although others claim it's Giordano's.  I think they're actually two different kinds of pizza even though they're both called "Chicago-style."  I'd call Giordano's a casserole rather than a pizza.  Both are really tasty, but I don't think they're the exact same kind of food.  Obviously the eating well while traveling idea isn't working out too well.

We walked through Millennium Park last night after dinner, and I did manage to get a few more shots of the city, as well as some pictures of some pretty impressive art work by Jaume Plensa installed at the park.

Art Institute of Chicago exterior

City from Millennium Park

1004 Portraits art exhibition
The light was rather reflective on this surface

1004 Portraits art exhibition
These are actually almost flat on one side, but the perspective is super cool

Buckingham Fountain

In Transit

It's been a couple of days since I've been able to post.  It's difficult to write when you're traveling for business (and binge-watching Haven on Netflix in the hotel room).  But since I have a little bit of time before the training starts this morning, (and the WiFi connection isn't working well enough to watch Haven), I thought I'd use the time to check in.

I'm in Chicago for a training class and traveling with a co-worker who is a pretty good travel partner.  She's willing to go explore and try new things.  I once worked and traveled with a woman who wouldn't eat anywhere but chain restaurants and wouldn't walk any further than the parking lot of the hotel.  She was pretty shocked when I told her I'd gone out for a walk and found a wonderful park, in a town I'd never visited before.

The training class is going fairly well so far, except that the instructor is rather impatient with the slower learners in the class.  Luckily this type of stuff comes easily to me so I'm not having any problems, but it's uncomfortable to watch him practically berate people if they didn't understand his instructions the first time.  This particular company sends their folks through rotations, so sometimes we get technical experts for the training classes who aren't really born teachers.  But I imagine we'll all get through this, and he is very knowledgeable so I feel like we're getting deeper information.

Last night I walked about 4 miles with my co-worker to eat at a German bar called the Glunz Tavern that opened in 1888, then closed down for prohibition and didn't reopen for 90 years.  I knew it was going to be difficult to eat well this week, and I'm feeling a bit nervous about my weigh-in at the end of the week.  But I'll keep trying to make sensible decisions and being really careful with breakfast, since we'll be eating out at lunch also.

This is a window inside the Glunz Tavern which I believe they have backlit.

This was one of the lighted buildings on our walk back.  Since Google so kindly auto-awesomed the photo for me, I thought I'd share that version.  Cell phones are decent back-up cameras, but low-light is generally not their strength, so this version is more interesting.

I'll try to find some time to post a few more pictures each evening while I'm here in Chicago this week.  It really is a very beautiful city with some amazing architecture.

Weekly Weigh In # 6

I managed to make good choices and eat well this week, and the scale is moving back in the right direction.  I'm back down to 136.8.

This coming week is going to be more challenging because I'll be on a business trip with a co-worker.  If I was going alone, it would be even easier than it is at home to eat properly.  But I've traveled with this co-worker before and I know she likes to eat out.  So my plan is to be really careful at breakfast and lunch so I can eat out with her in the evening.  I'll get in to Chicago tomorrow evening, and I won't be getting back home until late Friday night, so I'll have nearly a week of having to be really careful.  But I can do this, and I want to do it.

The sky looked kind of like a Monet painting this morning when I got up, so I thought I'd share the photos.  My pictures this coming week will be more urban and I won't have my camera with me, so they'll be cell phone photos, but hopefully I'll still manage to share a few nice pictures.

The Final Farewell

We spread my father's ashes in the mountains this morning.  My mom said a few words and while she was saying a prayer, the elk who was walking in the valley below us bugled.  It was the perfect setting.  Here's the view from the hill.

 
Then we went for a hike and enjoyed the cool, beautiful late summer day in the mountains.

I also had to share this picture; this is a street light, mountain style!