Exactly What I Needed to Read Today

I've been disappointed with how much I've had to work for about 13 years now.  I'll give you a hint about why I know exactly how long I've been feeling this way, my daughter will be 13 next month.  Up until I became a mother, I'd never had a problem with working really hard for pretty long hours.  I still don't have a problem with working really hard, it's just the long hours that are causing me problems now.  My values are family first, and I want to spend lots of time with my children because they grow up incredibly fast.  I'd also like to spend enough time with my husband that I don't find myself looking across the dinner table at a stranger when the kids are grown, plus I actually do like the guy and enjoy his company.  So ever since I returned to work after my first maternity leave back in the summer of 2001 I've wanted to work less.

My husband is a teacher so we've never been able to figure out the financial realities of making this work while maintaining the lifestyle we desire.  I don't want that to sound shallow, it's not like we live in a mansion and drive fancy vehicles, we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage AND eat if we didn't have my paycheck and we weren't willing to give up shelter or food.  Also, if I'm being completely honest, I really like the work I do and the intellectual stimulation it provides so I've never wanted to completely stop working.  Because I have abilities in multiple areas (a former CFO once referred to me as his "utility player") and have always been willing to help others, my job has always been rather large.  So it's made part-time work in my current role unfeasible.  (Has anyone else experienced the problem that when you offer to help with something it becomes part of your recurring job responsibilities?)

A couple of years ago I read a book called Our Divided Political Heart by E.J. Dionne Jr. that really made me think, but the reason why I've never forgotten the book is because of a quote in the book by Jeffrey Stout, a Princeton professor of religion that summed up my issue perfectly.

...he criticized its partisans for rarely offering "any clear sense of what to do about our misgivings aside from yearning pensively for conditions we are either unwilling or unable to bring about."

That's me in a nutshell:  Yearning pensively for a different work situation which I'm either unwilling and/or unable to bring about.  Then this morning I read something that really hit home and altered my perspective from this blog post titled Fear is the Root of Your Problems by Leo Babauta.  The reason why I feel so overwhelmed with all my responsibilities at work and home is because I have an ideal in my mind and I expect myself to meet that ideal.  From his blog post:

You have lots to do, but the amount isn’t the problem. The problem is you’re worried about getting it all done, which means you have an ideal (I’m going to get it all done on time, and it’ll be done perfectly) and you fear that this ideal won’t come true. So the fear is based on an ideal, but the ideal isn’t realistic. You won’t get it all done perfectly and on time. No one does. Accept the reality, that you’ll get some done, to the best of your ability, and if you fail you’ll learn from that, and that’s how the world works. No one is perfect. The ideal doesn’t exist.

He then gives advice on how to deal with the fear, and since his bullet about stress resonated most clearly with me, his point about choosing not to have an ideal also made the most sense to me.

We can return to this moment, and see that it is perfectly fine as is. There is no ideal when we’re seeing this actual moment and accepting it for what it is. If there’s no ideal, there’s no fear. If we don’t have an ideal of some kind of success, we don’t fear failure. If we don’t have an ideal of what we should be, we don’t fear that we’re not good enough. If we don’t have an ideal of what someone else should be, we don’t get angry at them.

I highly suggest reading the whole post linked above because there may be other issues that he talks about that resonate more with you. That is exactly what I needed to read today to help me to skew my perspective and start thinking about different ways I can choose to address these issues, because they aren't going away and I'm tired of pensive yearning.

Grateful for Music

I haven't been sleeping very well this week, but last night I finally managed to get a good night of sleep.  It's funny though how when I'm actually sleeping well, it's harder to get up when the alarm goes off at 4:15.  I will admit that I did not feel at all like working out this morning since I was so tired, but I put my earbuds in and managed to jog.  I don't think I would have been able to if it wasn't for the music, so I'm feeling especially grateful for music today.

My favorite bands tend toward the angsty, alternative hard rock persuasion:  Avenged Sevenfold, Rise Against, Three Days Grace, Ignite, and Disturbed.  Although I actually have a very eclectic taste in music and this morning I went with a total guilty pleasure, Breathe Carolina.  The techno hip-hop with a sprinkling of hard rock was just what I needed to get my body moving.  It's not always easy to make the right choice even when we know it's the right choice and really want to obtain the end goal.  Because of this, we all need to find those things, whether they be mantras, a favorite workout outfit, a partner (human or canine), or whatever it is that keeps us going.  Mine happened to be music this morning.

So rock on!  However you choose to do so!

Yes, those are all CDs; and we don't even collect physical media anymore.  I do have lots of choices when it comes to music!

Questions of Mastery

There's a book that's garnered quite a bit of attention that I must admit I haven't yet read in its entirety.  I have read excepts and seen quite a few reviews of the book.  The book is titled Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell and one of the concepts that really resonated with me is the 10,000 hour rule.  His supposition, which is borne out by research, is that in order to get really good at something we have to practice it for at least 10,000 hours.  We've all heard the old adage that "practice makes perfect."  I support my family by doing data and systems analysis.  If I estimate conservatively giving myself time for other activities and days off since college (5 hours per day times 5 days per week times 48 weeks per year times 18 years), I've spent about 21,600 hours doing this type of work.  I'm pretty good at it now and my Excel skills are rather advanced.

Since I'm essentially doing two full-time jobs now, the other part of my job is maintaining and configuring the Human Resources Information System (HRIS) at work.  I've been working with these systems since about the year 2000.  I initially started in a DOS-based system and then helped a former employer convert to a Windows-based system, and then to a different Windows-based system.  All of those systems were relational databases and I knew my way around them really well.  However, relational databases are beginning to go the way of the dinosaur and object-oriented databases (OODB) are becoming the standard; and the systems are now primarily being hosted by outside vendors using the software as a service (SaaS) model.

There is a reason that I'm bringing all of this up, and I promise it's not to bore you with the variety of initialisms used in my professional field.  The problem that I'm grappling with in this new world order is the inability to obtain mastery at the same level in the same way.  The HRIS I'm currently working with has major updates at least two times per year, and smaller updates nearly every week.  The process I used to load pay increases into the system last year isn't the same process I had to use this year.  So I've been worried that I won't reach the same level of mastery with this system as I have with past systems that I've used.  However, I did realize that in some ways I'm achieving a different kind of mastery.  I'm learning to be more flexible and how to better trouble-shoot issues.  I imagine that I'm learning how to think differently and creating new pathways in my brain.

But sometimes I miss how quickly I can analyze data in Excel using formulas I know and keyboard shortcuts.  I guess I just need to wrap my head around the fact that the world is changing.  The pace of new technology is only speeding up.  And unless I want to go the way of the dinosaur too, I'd better keep figuring out how to keep up.  Now I need to go read Outliers so I'm not just discussing what other people have said about it!

On a random side-note, we had a lovely dusting of snow this morning that sparkled beautifully in the morning sunlight, the picture doesn't quite do it justice.  Everything just looks so glorious and pure when covered in snow.

The Difference in Children

My kids look an awful lot alike,  since they both look like so much like their father.  But they almost couldn't be any different.  I have one who I have to constantly remind to relax and not take everything so seriously; and one who I have to constantly remind to do the right thing.  Sometimes it leaves me a bit dizzy.  Balancing parenting two very different children with what is currently a pretty stressful time at work for both my husband and me isn't leaving me with much in my tank right now.

Earlier tonight I was thinking that I can't possibly tell my son EVERY single thing he shouldn't do, that he's got to learn to apply some common sense and think things through.  We are meeting with a new therapist this coming weekend and I'm really hoping that she can help us with some strategies for helping our children and dealing with our own stress.  I've said it before, but it bears repeating:  Parenting is the most rewarding and the most difficult thing I've ever done.

On another note, I didn't post a weigh-in this weekend since I was in Estes Park and nowhere near a scale.  I'll be back to weekly updates next weekend.  For tonight I need to go to bed so I can replenish some of my energy and be able to deal with whatever parenting surprises tomorrow may bring!

Laundry and Dishes and Bills, Oh My!

I recently read a blog post about how we all use the idea of being busy as a substitute for feeling important, and that we simply need to prioritize and make choices about how we spend our time.  While I understand this concept and agree to an extent that we choose how to spend our time, there are also certain things that you have to do if you want to be a responsible person.  While it may be true that no one cares how clean my house is, I don't want to live in a pig sty.  People probably would care if I sent my kids to school naked; and I  imagine that we'd eventually be evicted if I stopped paying the mortgage.

I have so much for which to be grateful for, and I really am happy.  But there are times when I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities in my life, which can lead not to unhappiness, but to feeling discontented.  Sometimes I think about how hard I've always worked and I question if being in this state with constant demands on my time and energy is really worth all that work.  I started officially working when I was 15 (I babysat for pay starting at 12).  I put myself through college because my dad got laid off from his engineering job during my senior year.  I've worked ever since with my only breaks being while I was on maternity leave.  While I would never trade my life with anyone else, some days I do think it would be nice to be independently wealthy and not have to get up and go to work every day.  I think I would feel less resentful of the time that I spend on household chores if I had more down time overall.

But maybe I'd just find new things to be discontented about.  Maybe it's good to be this busy all the time.  Perhaps this helps me to hone in on the important things that align with my values and choose wisely how to spend my time.  Maybe I'd just waste time if I had more of it.  I wouldn't mind finding out one way or the other, but I guess for now I'll just keep on keeping on.  After all, I see people whose lives aren't as satisfying as mine who work even harder than I do, so I guess I should keep that in perspective.  And I'll keep on doing the laundry and dishes and paying the bills!

Estes Park!

We're enjoying our annual weekend in Estes Park with my family.  Right now I'm sitting next to a fire compliments of my brother, and listening to my husband strumming softly on his guitar.  This is such a relaxing time and place for me.

Today we had the best snowshoeing trip we've had in years.  There was a very significant base and then 2 weekends ago Bear Lake got 3 feet of snow.  There was so much fresh powder it was tons of fun.  Like most years when we were standing in the parking lot in the whipping wind while our hands were going numb from strapping on both our snowshoes and the kid's; I think, "why are we doing this to ourselves?"  But like every other time, as soon as we get back in the trees and the blood starts pumping, I remember how much fun it is.  This year my daughter went with the grown ups, rather than playing at the big lake.  The only picture I got was of my daughter, brother, and nephew in the parking lot.  It was so windy and snowy today that I didn't want to risk anything happening to my camera.

The views weren't quite as majestic as usual since it was snowing and windy, but the snow covered trees were simply beautiful.  At one point we were walking through some trees and the wind suddenly whipped up and we got covered with all the snow that had previously been on the trees.  It was a very good workout, and tonight I'm going to eat my lemon pudding birthday cake with no qualms.

Estes Park is one of the prettiest places in Colorado with amazing views and lots of wildlife.  Please enjoy the pictures from the day!

Sick and Tired and Being Sick and Tired

I'm sick...AGAIN!  I used to get sick about once every 2 years.  Since I started working downtown about 2 years ago now, I've been sick about the same number of times that I had been sick in the prior 12 years.  It's starting to get fairly frustrating.  I accepted long ago that I'd always be tired since I haven't slept well in about a decade.  But being sick all the time on top of it is almost more than I can deal with.  I'm especially disappointed right now because I get to go snowshoeing this weekend which I look forward to all year, and I don't know how much stamina I'm going to have.  Also, I'm participating in a series of 5Ks and I'm supposed to be training.  Between the ice which lasted way longer than it should have recently in Denver, and getting sick every month, I imagine I'll be doing a jog/walk instead of a run for at least the first race.

I was trying to decide what's causing the problem, and I really don't know, but I'm guessing it's a combination of things.  I use public transit now so I'm sure I'm exposed to a multitude of new germs.  I am pretty good about regular hand washing (the amount of hand lotion I go through can attest to that!), but I'm probably not so great about keeping my hands away from my face.  I tend to rest my chin in my hands when I'm thinking.  When I worked in the suburbs I used to work out most days during lunch in the open space across the street, so I got plenty of fresh air and vitamin D.  Now I get up before work to work out when it's still dark (even in the summer) and the air downtown where I spend my days is simply more polluted.  I don't have any more stress than I did previously, some of it is a different kind, but I would say the overall level is the same.  So I think it's some combination of lack of exposure to sunlight, polluted air, and being around so many more people.

Now I just need to figure out what to do about it.  I suppose choosing NOT to whine would be a good first step (I'm attempting to nudge myself at the moment).  But every once in awhile it does feel good to just vent for a minute or two!  My husband swears by Kick-Ass Immune and I've tried using it, but I didn't see a big enough improvement to make it worth choking the stuff down.  So I guess I'll just keep trying to wash my hands and try to get better about keeping them away from my face.

Attempting to Juggle

There's a song by a band named Enchant called Juggling Knives that I really relate to.  Especially the line, "and now the choice is juggling nine or dropping ten."  That pretty much sums up my life, and I suspect the lives of most parents of young children.  My life feels like this precariously balanced house of cards, and as long as everything is going along exactly as expected, then I can manage.  But this is life after all, and there are frequent unexpected events.  Calls from the school, a deadline changed at work, a last-minute meeting for me or my husband.  And since everything is so precariously balanced to begin with, that one little thing can send the whole mess tumbling.

It can make choosing the correct course somewhat difficult at times.  Although when I do make good choices, it is at least one thing that I feel like I have some control over.  So I try to remind myself how good that feels and that I should keep making those good choices.  I don't know how to truly solve this problem.  I suppose eventually my children will grow up and then it won't be such an issue.  But I guess until then, I'll keep trying to juggle, and hope that people stop trying to throw that tenth knife in there!

Weighty Issues

I sometimes find myself feeling jealous of others who don't seem to have make such difficult choices when it comes to food and exercise.  I've known two people who have truly struggled with trying to put weight on.  They have been just as frustrated as I am that it's so hard to keep it off.  But it can be hard not to feel envious when they can eat larger portion sizes and regular sodas and still not gain a pound.  I just have to remind myself that they would like to gain a pound, and probably sometimes feel jealous that I have to work to keep the weight off.

I'll never forget the vitriol that flowed after Kate Moss told an interviewer that her mantra was "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  I fully understand that people are (understandably) upset about the unrealistic expectations that the fashion and modeling industries place on young girls and how that can contribute to eating disorders and other problems.  But I also think that Kate Moss was trying to use that mantra to help her make good food choices.  Of course it would have probably been better to replace skinny with healthy.  But support for everyone in their health choices and in learning to like themselves better as they are would be much more beneficial than judging and condemning.

We shouldn't judge others as we don't know what their particular journey is like or how they feel about their weight.  And although I am working towards a lower weight so I'll be healthier, more comfortable, and more confident; I also think we should all focus less on physical appearance and more on the content of our character.  I sometimes wonder how many people make resolutions to be kinder?  Imagine what good we could do in the world if instead of all those New Year's resolutions to be thinner, everyone focused on being good to each other.  Just a thought.

I also need to report my weekly weigh-in.  I actually posted an early weigh-in to try and keep myself honest over my birthday weekend.  I did go back up to 134 pounds, but I think that's pretty good considering the delicious, gourmet birthday dinners (yes, plural) that I got treated to.

A Valentine's Day Celebration of Love

It's Valentine's Day today and I wanted to take this opportunity to appreciate a very special love.  There are lots of people who I admire in this world, mostly those people who use their unique talents and abilities to be loving (in the sense of the Greek word, agape) and try to make the world a better place for everyone.  But the people who have been the absolute best example of love for me are my maternal grandparents.

My grandparents provided an amazing and persistent example of what love and marriage should look like.  Not only did they provide an example of romantic love, they also showed me how to be loving to family and others.  My grandfather was so kind and patient, and always positive.  My grandmother shows her deep care by the acts she performs for everyone.  She is incredibly giving, I remember her sitting up nights with me when I was little and had a charlie horse in my leg, and also feeding me gallons of Schwan's ice cream when I had strep throat.  She's also incredibly generous financially to this day.

My grandparents were farmers out in rural Illinois.  And I do mean rural Illinois, up until high school I sent their mail to Rural Route 1.  (They finally changed to street names so emergency vehicles would have an easier time navigating their roads.)  They had 3 children and a 4th on the way when my grandpa got sick with polio.  This was Labor Day, 1954, one year before the Salk vaccine was released.  He had to be hospitalized and the doctors didn't initially expect him to survive.  He exceeded those expectations and lived but had to be placed into an iron lung.  Again the doctors thought he'd never be able to come out of that machinery.  He surprised them yet again when he learned to gulp air so that he could leave the iron lung.  Nearly eight months after he was initially admitted to the hospital he was able to go home with all kinds of specialized equipment.  He had a respirator that he needed to wear when he was eating and a bed that see-sawed to make sure he kept breathing.  He also went home without the ability to move anything below his neck on his own.  He spent the rest of his life as a quadriplegic.

Obviously this new state of affairs didn't fit well with my grandpa's occupation as a farmer.  But my grandparents had an amazing support system in their farming community.  Their parents were all very close and helped out immensely.  Their neighbors also pitched in and made sure that my grandparents didn't lose their livelihood, another amazing example of love.  My grandparents worked out an arrangement with their neighbors that my grandpa would do all the research on the newest farming technologies while the neighbors would help take care of their land.  He was given an electric typewriter and a special stand was built to hold it so he could type correspondence using a plastic mouthpiece.  He typed the bulletin for their church for decades.

I spent part of several summers with my grandparents when I was younger.  We'd go out for a family vacation and my parents would leave me behind to come home later.  I was very lucky that I got to know my grandparents so well, even though we lived 1,000 miles away.  I got to see the example they set of what it means to get married and be together in sickness and in health.  I saw my grandma get by on very limited sleep for years and graciously take care of my grandpa's every need.  I saw my grandpa rise above his limitations to be an endlessly positive person who everyone grew to respect.  I also saw him make sacrifices for my grandma because he loved her so much.  As they both started to get older it got harder on my grandma physically to take care of my grandpa, so he chose to start eating less food so he'd lose weight which would be easier on my grandma.  I saw a couple who genuinely enjoyed each other's company and were best friends.  I realized from a young age that I wanted what they had when I got married.  I was very lucky that I found that kind of love, and my husband and I actually got married on my grandparent's 51st wedding anniversary.

When I was in college I wrote a letter to my grandpa about how much his example meant to me.  I was a bit embarrassed to send it, but I am so grateful that I found the courage to send it to him so he would know how much he had inspired me.  My grandpa died when my daughter was 6 weeks old, which was very hard for me.  We were going to head out to Illinois for my cousin's wedding that summer and he was so excited to meet his first great grandchild.  I console myself with the knowledge that he at least got to see pictures of her.  He would be amazed to know that in addition to his 9 grandchildren, he now has 18 great grandchildren with another on the way.

Part of the reason I call this blog "Choosing My Course" is also because of my grandpa.  He was faced with a choice about how to approach life after his illness, and he made the most admirable choice possible. While my grandpa was in the hospital and was dealing with the knowledge that he'd be paralyzed for the rest of his life, he said a doctor sat with him and told him he had a choice:  He could be bitter about everything he'd lost, or he could be grateful for all of the good things he still had.  He could have very understandably wallowed in self-pity about how his life had so drastically changed.  But instead he chose to appreciate his family and neighbors who helped out and kept their farm going.  He chose to appreciate their 4 children and the 5th child who came later (another example of something the doctors thought couldn't happen).  He chose to find ways to continue to be a contributing member of his community, back before handicapped assistive devices were widely available.  He chose to continue smiling, laughing, and loving.

This is the love that I want to celebrate this Valentine's Day.  I don't think I'd be who I am today without it.  This is a picture of my grandparents on their 50th wedding anniversary in 1998, still very much in love with each other.

Workout Check In

I've been doing cardio workouts most mornings recently and decided I needed to make sure and get some strength training in too (which can also be a cardio workout!)  This morning I used an app that I purchased called Skimble Workout Trainer.  It wasn't cheap, I think it was $15.99, but I really like it because it provides videos and lots of different pre-built workout options.  There is a free version, but the workout choices are much more limited.  I thought I was going to be pretty sore after all those squats, but I must be in slightly better shape than I had realized, as I'm feeling alright.  Although I guess the real test will be tomorrow morning.

I decided to post my weigh-in from this morning to try and keep myself honest this weekend.  The scale showed 133 pounds this morning, so I'm down 3 pounds from when I started, and about 3 1/2 pounds from last Sunday which is my normal weigh-in day.  The thing is, I have a birthday coming up this weekend.  I'm going to be 40.  I guess it's not really that big of a deal, it's just hard to wrap my head around it when I've only recently started feeling like I'm a little older than right out of college.  It's good to still feel so young, right?  Not just delusional?! At any rate, my husband is taking me out to dinner on Saturday night and his parents are taking the whole family out to dinner on Sunday night.  So I need to be really careful about what I eat for both breakfast and lunch, and then the food that I choose to eat for dinner.  Otherwise my Sunday weigh-in will be uncomfortable.

Next weekend I get to celebrate my birthday with my family, but I won't have to be as careful about my choices.  We're going snowshoeing (I'm really excited) and I've figured out that I burn about 2,000 calories hiking through the snow.  We never stay on the trail so we end up wading through the deep powder which is a really good workout.  Since I'm not sure that I could eat much more than 2,000 calories in one day before bursting,  I can be a bit less strict with the food choices that day.

I'd also like to thank everyone who reached out to me after reading yesterday's post.  I feel so much less alone and more confident that with all the support of our friends and family that we'll be able to find the strength and resources to help our son.  We are truly blessed and extremely grateful!

Confessions of an Anguished Mother

Yesterday I promised to write about what has been causing me so much stress lately.  It isn't easy to talk about this, but I don't feel like I'm being authentic if I don't share it.  Also, there is such a stigma attached to this issue and I think the more we talk about it and expose it to the daylight, the less it will be stigmatized.  Plus I frequently feel like a failure as a parent, and I thought I should share this in case anyone else is dealing with similar issues so they won't feel so alone and unsupported.

So here goes:  I have a child with special needs.  He's very intelligent, so other than not always putting forth his best effort, academically he's doing fine.  Physically he's fine; he's not the most athletic child in the world, but he's participated in gymnastics for years and is actually pretty strong.  He has mental health problems. Unfortunately we still live in a time and place where these issues are somewhat taboo and no one wants to talk about them.  I shouldn't feel any more ashamed to have a child with emotional issues than one who has to use a wheelchair.  Yet people get support when their child has physical issues, support is very hard to come by with emotional and mental issues.  We also live in a time and place where public schools are so overwhelmed that they don't have the time or resources to properly support the families who are dealing with these issues.  Dealing with these issues at home is challenging, but it's dealing with them at school that makes me so stressed out about all of this most of the time.

My sweet boy as a baby.

My son has been diagnosed with several different disorders that are referred to by initialisms (not acronyms since they can't be pronounced as words; always the geek!).  Quite frankly I don't think those initialisms mean all that much.  The primary presenting issues that we deal with are his lack of ability to regulate his mood, doing or saying things prior to engaging his brain and thinking, and being defiant when he has things he needs to get done.  This sweet, kind, caring person "Hulks out".  (Since he loves Marvel super heroes so much, he understands that language so that's the term we've given it.)  He's physically lashed out at times, especially with his sister, and he verbally lashes out pretty much every time he loses control.  He's very smart, so he's able to come up with some pretty cutting and hurtful remarks when this happens.  After he's calmed down and/or thought about what he's done, he always feels so regretful; because he truly doesn't want to hurt others.  My son is a caring, kind, and generous person who gets hijacked by his own brain chemistry.

When we first starting experiencing these problems about three years ago in first grade (also the year he had a terrible teacher and in hindsight we should have intervened and gotten him moved into a different class), we applied regular discipline and consequences.  We were very clear with our expectations and very consistent and firm with the consequences.  At one time we had every single one of his toys in our room, and each day he had to earn a toy back.  He's been grounded more in the last three years than his sister has been in her almost thirteen years of life.  We were doing what everyone thought we should do, we were being the "heavies" with him.  But that didn't have a very good outcome.  One Saturday afternoon we ended up at the Children's Hospital on suicide watch.  I thought I was going to have to leave that hospital without him and let someone else take my little boy for the night.  It was the most awful and terrible moment of my life.  Thankfully he had calmed down enough by the end of the day that we were allowed to bring him home.

After that crisis we realized that:  a) we weren't dealing with normal issues, and b) we needed to try something different because what we had been doing wasn't working.  We got him in to see a therapist and a psychiatrist.  We started him on medication, which I hate, but I hate more the reputation he was getting at school and being worried that he would start to question his worth and value as a human being.

We continue to have issues even though we're doing everything we're supposed to do.  We have always provided a stable home with very little arguing or yelling.  We don't have any alcoholism or drug abuse in our family.  We provide natural consequences for bad choices.  We tell our children the rules and what we expect of them.  We praise them when they make good choices.  We model appropriate behavior.  We teach right from wrong.  We provide structure and routine.  We eat dinner together at the dining room table every evening (usually without any TV except for the infrequent special occasion).  We read bedtime stories every night.  We read books about how to help children with these types of issues.  The one area where I know we could do better is in modeling how to handle stress.

I realize that I sound like I'm trying to justify myself, I guess it's because I frequently feel judged and found wanting.  Even by some of our family.  In fact I believe that my brother-in-law's belief that my son acts the way he does because we're not disciplining him correctly played into his decision to move away.  Sometimes I want to scream, "look at my other child, she doesn't have this issue.  We're not doing anything wrong!"  I also get the impression that the school doesn't really believe that we're doing what we can to help our son to behave properly in the classroom setting.  Maybe that's not true, but that's how it feels.

What I want for my children is for both of them to have a strong sense of self-worth and to be the very best versions of themselves possible.  I want them to be happy with their choices and themselves.  I don't want them to be mired in regret and negativity.  I love my children more than life itself; there's nothing that I wouldn't do for them.  So I will never give up on trying to help my son (and my daughter) be the very best versions of themselves.

So it's time to make some new choices.  We're going to start family therapy to find out how we can best help and support each other.  We'll keep reading all the articles and books we can to learn from others going through the same things.  We also decided last night that we need to get our son involved in volunteer work.  He loves to help others and I think it will help him to see that he has more than many other people.  I also think helping others will help him to feel good about himself, which is terribly important because I think his self-esteem gets pretty eroded when he's always getting in trouble at school.

As stressful as all of this is, I still feel very fortunate.  I have a loving and supportive spouse who is my partner in this.  I have extended family who believe in us as parents and who believe in our children.  I was complaining earlier about how we live in a time when mental illness is still stigmatized and we don't get much support from the school.  But we also live in a time where we have access to support groups and information to help us through this.  So we're going to be alright.  We'll just keep choosing to help our son and make sure that we remind him that he's still good and this doesn't change how much we love him.

If you've read this far with me, thanks for sticking with me.  I guess all I really ask is that we all choose to support each other in this life.  We never truly know what another person may be dealing with, and sometimes knowing that someone out there is trying to understand and support you makes all the difference in the world.

Choosing to Share

Today was another really difficult day.  I've decided to share the reason why I've been struggling so much lately.  Both because it could possibly help others who may be going through a similar situation, and because I think it's time to try and remove the some of the stigma from this issue.

But I simply don't have the energy to do so tonight.  I'll write the full post tomorrow.  For today I just wanted to hop on here and report that even in the midst of this challenge,  I managed to make good choices in both my eating and getting my workout in today.  We have to celebrate the small wins sometimes.  One day at a time!

Doing Dishes May Be Hazardous To Your Health

I've often said that it's a good thing my parents didn't name me "Grace" as I might have had to change my name in shame.  I've been doing dishes for a LONG time.  When I was really little we had a portable dishwasher.  When it died my parents never replaced it.  We often asked my dad to get a dishwasher, but he always responded, "I don't need a dishwasher; I've already got two dishwashers."  Referring of course, to my brother and me.  So I grew up hand washing dishes, and lots of them.  Even though I do have a dishwasher now, I actually still do a great deal of hand washing because my husband likes his kitchen toys, and many of the nicer knives and pans can't go in the dishwasher.

This scar an my right hand is from doing dishes in college.

I had my hand inside of a glass and was spinning the dish rag when the glass shattered.  I was alone and had quite an interesting time driving with a towel on my hand to get somewhere where I could get some help with steri-strips to close it up.  In hindsight, I probably should have gotten stitches so the scar wouldn't have been so large, but oh well.

Last night I was doing dishes and walked over to the table to pick up two mugs to place them in the dishwasher.  My husband had Modern Family on the TV, which is one show I really enjoy.  So instead of walking like a normal person, I backed up to the sink watching the TV and carrying the mugs.  Of course I ran into the open dishwasher door and tripped.  We have a very hard tile in our kitchen and I was actually kind of scared that I was going to crack open my head, especially since I didn't have a free hand to catch myself.

Luckily the only damage is a nasty bruise and cut on my elbow and one smashed mug - I managed to save the other one!  I guess there are some advantages to having some padding on my backside.  But I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just stop doing dishes since there have been several other minor cuts throughout the years also.  Just kidding (mostly)...but if I happen to die in a household accident someday, I'm sure it'll be while I'm doing the dishes!

Choosing to Correct My Course

I'm fairly embarrassed to report my weigh-in today; and rather disappointed in myself.  When I stood on the scale this morning I had actually gained weight, so today's weigh-in is 136.6.  Once again I was going down at the beginning of the week and thought I'd be able to report a loss of about 1 1/2 pounds for the week.  But after an extraordinarily difficult day on Friday (parenting is the most rewarding, and most difficult task I've ever undertaken), I made really poor choices on Friday evening and all day Saturday.  I did manage to go for a run/walk on Saturday morning.  I was planning on going for a run but my 9 1/2 year old son wanted to go with me, so we had to do a combo.  But I learned long ago that unless I exercise basically all day, I really can't make up for poor food choices by exercising.

I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time getting my head back in this mode.  Here's a picture of me in the summer of 2011 after I'd lost 35 pounds (I actually needed the belt to hold those pants up, it wasn't just a fashion accessory).

My sister-in-law once told me that she didn't know how I did it, that I was like a machine and refused to make a poor eating choice.  But that's not the experience I'm having now.  I guess the good thing is that I seem to be identifying my triggers and figuring out when I have the most difficulty.  Now I just need to figure out how to deal with them.  The weekends tend to be tough because not only do I have more access to food, but I'm married to a "foodie."  Please don't misunderstand; I'm not in any way implying that this is my husband's fault.  But he's such a good cook and he enjoys food so much, that sometimes I feel like I limit my time with him if I don't eat the same things he's eating.  And I like to spend time with him, so I guess I need to discuss with him how we can hang out with different types of food and/or without food.

I don't make New Year's resolutions per se, but I do try to focus on areas where I want to improve.  At the end of December I had written down in my journal that I wanted to lose weight so my joints would be less achy and my clothes would fit better.  I also wrote down that I wanted to work on being more appreciative and kinder, and to complain less.  I really want to make better choices that lead to me being a better person and having a more positive impact on those around me.  So far I'm not doing as well as I'd like on any of these.  But one of the advantages of not calling these "resolutions" but instead areas where I'd like to focus, is that I don't have to feel like I've failed in early February.  I can just refocus and continue to try harder.  I can make course corrections and keep on journeying.

Alexander and Blah!

Today was not a good day.  Some really crummy stuff happened, which was the last thing I needed coming off of two particularly stressful weeks at work.  I just keep thinking of Alexander right now.

So once I finish cleaning my house this afternoon, I think I'm going to plop in front of the TV for the rest of the night.  I know, probably not the best thing to do, but I just don't have it in my to anything more tonight.  Tomorrow morning though, I'm going for a run.  I don't care if it is snowy and icy; I'm going stir crazy and I need to get outdoors and exercise.  It's just more soothing to the soul than exercising indoors.  Besides, I need to be training for my upcoming 5Ks anyway.

On a related note because I like to listen to music when I run, does anyone have any good recommendations for earbuds for miniature ears?  I have got seriously tiny ears, I think they're smaller than most infant's ears.  I did find one brand that fit really well, but they don't seem to last for more than about 4 months (and I'm very gentle with them); and I just don't want to spend the money to replace them again.  So anyone know of any high-quality children's sized earbuds?

Bookworm

I think I may have mentioned a time or two that I like to read, and I read a lot.  I read for pleasure.  I read for information.  I read for escape.

One of many overflowing bookshelves in my house.  It would be worse, but now I use the Kindle app.

I really enjoy reading history books, but I've noticed something kind of odd about the changing way that historians are writing.  I read a very good book called Roger Williams and the Creation of the American Soul:  Church, State, and the Birth of Liberty by John Barry.  Another good one was The Fall of Anne Boleyn:  A Countdown by Claire Ridgway.  Both of these were well written books that I really enjoyed reading.  But I remember thinking it was a bit too obvious how much the authors liked and admired their subjects, to the detriment of others players during the time.  There's nothing wrong with having an affinity for one's subject, but whenever there was an historical disagreement or conflict, the authors always assumed their subject was in the right and the other player was in the wrong.  It just didn't seem terribly objective.

Then I read another book called Nicholas and Alexandra by Robert K. Massie.  While he also clearly liked the last Russian Tsar and his wife, he could be more objective about them as people and didn't always just assume that they were in the right.  He was in fact pretty realistic about Alexandra's eccentricities.    Then I realized that the latter book was originally published in 1967, while the first two books were published in 2012.  So then I started wondering:  Are we slipping in our requirements of objectivity in reporting/writing in general?  Maybe not, but sometimes it feels that way.

Then today I saw an article on NPR to which I did not have a very positive reaction.  Engineers at MIT have created a book that you "wear" so you can experience physical stimuli to match the protagonist's emotional state.  It's kind of an interesting idea, but I don't think it's something I'd ever be interested in.  A big part of the appeal of a book over a movie is that every experience is what I create.  I don't think I like the idea of someone else figuring out what I should imagine or experience.  I want to have my own physical reaction and create my own pictures in my head.  Of course now I sound like a cranky old person opposed to technology.   But my husband thinks it sounds interesting, so maybe it's just me; but then he doesn't like to read quite as much as I do.

It's the Little Things

Sometimes it really is the little things that matter.  I'm so excited to use my new journal.

I finally used up the old one (I think this is number 6 lifetime).  Yes, it's a little lame to get this excited about a new journal, but it's got a beautiful Celtic design on the front and it's green, and leather!  This is my first leather journal and it just feels good to hold it.

One of the other little things that I really love is this tea infuser that my in-laws got me for Christmas a couple of years ago.

I LOVE tea, and loose leaf tea really does taste better.  I can't use it all the time since I just don't have time in the morning before work to heat the water in the tea kettle and then allow the tea to steep in the infuser.  But I always use it when I'm working from home and on the weekends.

Part of why I like these "little" things so much is that they help me get through the "big" things.  This year is going to have several big things to get through.  I'm turning 40 this month.  My daughter is turning 13 next month, I'm officially going to have a teenager.  My son is turning 10 this summer (or "a decade" as he calls it).  My husband and I will be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this summer.  We'll also be sending our newly minted teenager to Europe on a school trip.  I'm definitely going to need tea (maybe spiked) and a place to record my feelings to get through that time.  I'm very excited for her and proud of her and know that the trip will be good for her.  But I'm going to have major Momma anxiety while she's across the Atlantic ocean for 2 weeks.  Sometimes it really is the little things that can make the difference between stress and coping!

On another note, it's cold here.  I mean, bone-chilling.  I've lived in Colorado since I was 9 months old and most winters we've had a really cold snap.  But this is the third time this winter we've received a weather warning because of the windchill urging us to limit out time outdoors to avoid hypothermia and frostbite.  I think I saw the thermometer reach 1 degree (Fahrenheit) today, but with the windchill it still feels like 14 below.  I guess I'm a wimp, because I don't like this any longer.  Although it is quite lovely.

What's In a Name?

There's a reason that I named this blog "choosing my course".  I believe that what truly defines us is the choices we make.  I know that I'd rather define myself by my intentions, but that's not reality.  Some people abdicate their responsibility for their own choices.  Some of the people that I love do this and it makes me very sad and frustrated.  The reason I originally started this blog (even though I didn't post very often at the beginning), was because I got a slap in the face and realized I needed to take control of my own choices.

My parents were supposed to go to Alaska for vacation in the late summer of 2010.  But my dad was feeling so crummy that they had to cancel the trip.  That fall my dad had a heart catheterization and the doctor came into the room afterwards to tell us about the results.  He told my dad that he had been given a second chance to make different choices back in 1998 when he'd had a heart attack and quintuple bypass.  My dad had actually died that night, but thankfully my mother is a geriatric nurse practitioner and my parents had called the ambulance previously.  So when his heart stopped he was already on the stretcher and the EMTs were able to revive him.

The doctor told my dad that there wasn't much more they could do for him.  The bypass surgery was to give him the opportunity to exercise, eat right, and control his type II diabetes.  My dad hadn't chosen to do any of that.  I know that he feels like some of those choices have been taken from him because he was injured in both the Vietnam war, and again when I was in Kindergarten.  So he's in a great deal of pain most of the time and it makes it difficult for him to exercise.  He also fights depression from a rather unhealthy upbringing with an abusive father.  But the reality is that he could still choose to eat right and start small with exercise.

My dad still hasn't made any different choices and still doesn't feel well.  But I heard the doctor loud and clear that day.  I had allowed myself to get a bit overweight at 150 pounds.  I'm only 5'5" so that was too heavy.  That was when I started recording all my food and exercise and in only 3 1/2 months I lost 35 pounds and got back down to my high school weight of 115 pounds.  (I actually went lower than that for awhile so I started adding back in more calories, because that was just too skinny.)  I felt strong and healthy and proud of my choices.  I've allowed myself to put some of that weight back on and am now working to take it off again.  For some reason it's been harder this time, but making myself accountable on here should help to at a minimum shame me into making better choices!

So I actually picked the name for this blog very consciously, in an effort to remind myself that it's not what I want or intend that matters.  It's what I actually choose to do that matters.  One of my favorite lines from Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech is, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."  I truly believe that we discover the content of our character by the choices we make, and that is a valid way to judge myself.  So I'm going to continue "choosing my course," and while I have no illusions that I'll always make the right choices, I will keep trying and getting myself back on course.

Lack of Progress

As I had anticipated, my weigh-in yesterday was disappointing.  After doing fairly well early in the week, I gave in to my desire to stress eat at the end of the week and so the scale was right back at 136 when I stood on it yesterday.  I wanted to stress eat again today after getting about 4 hours of sleep last night and still being in the middle of my annual crush time at work.  However, I've avoided doing so thus far.  Now I just need to eat a good dinner.

I have a whole new level of sympathy for single parents after a weekend without my husband.  Last night when I was attempting to sleep without much luck, my son came into my bedroom at about 10:30 telling me he'd thrown up.  I know that I should be a loving and supportive mother who comforts her child who just got sick, but my son has a talent for making himself vomit whenever he wants to get out of something.  Of course what he wanted to get out of was going back to school on Monday.  I've mentioned that things are pretty crazy right now at work and there was NO way I could miss work today.  So I had my son brush his teeth, I put the soiled blanket in the hamper, (I am still feeling extremely grateful that it was just one blanket and I didn't have to remake the whole bed or get a cleaning bucket out.!), got my son a drink of water, and told him to go back to sleep.

Given the continuing sleep issues I experience, this was not conducive to climbing back into my bed and falling asleep.  So after tossing and turning for about an hour and feeling freezing cold and achy (my body's normal reaction to exhaustion), I got up and took some ibuprofen.  I don't like to take medicine and I certainly couldn't take a sleeping aid at 11:30 at night when my alarm goes off at 4:15.  But I thought just taking away some of the achiness might help me to actually fall asleep.  It did eventually work and I was sleeping pretty well when the alarm went off, which tends to make it quite jarring.

I did manage to complete my workout and get my son ready and off to school on time this morning so I wasn't late to work, so that was a huge achievement!  Tonight I'll pick my husband up from the airport with a whole new appreciation for having him as my partner.  Raising children is hard work, and I am very lucky to have help most of the time.  I'm also really lucky in that my parents and my in-laws are close and always willing to help out, although I don't like to impose too often.

This week I will make better choices about food and eating, and I know I'll have more encouraging weigh-in results to report next week.  Also, my work clothes will fit better!

Calgon, take me away!

Today has been quite the comedy of errors.  It started yesterday afternoon with an email from my son's teacher that he needed to redo a writing assignment this weekend because he had rushed through it.  Now, if we put math homework in front of this kid, he gladly works through it; but writing is a completely different story.  It's like pulling teeth getting him to write.  My husband did try to get him to redo the work last night, but Friday nights are tough since everyone is worn out from the week.  The reason my husband tried so hard to get the work done last night was because this morning I dropped him off at the airport to go to a concert.  So now I'm fighting through this writing assignment all by myself.

We also had a birthday party to attend today.  We went to Target and picked up a birthday card and gift card.  We got home and I noticed that Google Now showed that I was supposed to be at the party at 2.  It was 2:05 at this point and I was very confused.  I had received the Evite that stated the time of the party from 6 PM to 8 PM.  I did see that I got another Evite email, but I had assumed it was just a reminder.  Nope, it was an update to the time.  (Side note:  I guess it's good, if a bit scary, that Google Now reads my email for me.)  So I told my son to grab the cards and we'd go.  That's when I realized that the clerk at Target hadn't given us the bag with the cards.  We had to go back to Target and they had to watch the security tape of us checking out to confirm that we indeed hadn't taken the cards before they could replace the items.  We finally arrived at the birthday party 45 minutes late.

As I write this out, it doesn't look as bad as it felt at the time, but I was practically in tears.  Although I did realize that I needed to provide a better example of how to handle (admittedly minor) adversity for my children so I made myself calm down.  Of course now I have to shamefully admit that I don't think my weigh-in tomorrow is going to be encouraging.  I was using excuses to "justify" eating junk, and too much food.  This after the past couple of weeks reading Gretchen Rubin's posts on loophole-spotting.  Oh well, tomorrow is a new day, and I know it will be better than today.  And I will make better choices than I did today.

I realize that I'm giving away my age by referencing an old commercial in the title, but it's just so fitting.  However, it's winter in Colorado and my skin is dry enough.  So instead of soaking in a bubble bath, I think I'm going to watch Blade tonight.  There's nothing like vampires and Wesley Snipes in a tight shirt to take me away from my troubles!