Confessions of an Anguished Mother

Yesterday I promised to write about what has been causing me so much stress lately.  It isn't easy to talk about this, but I don't feel like I'm being authentic if I don't share it.  Also, there is such a stigma attached to this issue and I think the more we talk about it and expose it to the daylight, the less it will be stigmatized.  Plus I frequently feel like a failure as a parent, and I thought I should share this in case anyone else is dealing with similar issues so they won't feel so alone and unsupported.

So here goes:  I have a child with special needs.  He's very intelligent, so other than not always putting forth his best effort, academically he's doing fine.  Physically he's fine; he's not the most athletic child in the world, but he's participated in gymnastics for years and is actually pretty strong.  He has mental health problems. Unfortunately we still live in a time and place where these issues are somewhat taboo and no one wants to talk about them.  I shouldn't feel any more ashamed to have a child with emotional issues than one who has to use a wheelchair.  Yet people get support when their child has physical issues, support is very hard to come by with emotional and mental issues.  We also live in a time and place where public schools are so overwhelmed that they don't have the time or resources to properly support the families who are dealing with these issues.  Dealing with these issues at home is challenging, but it's dealing with them at school that makes me so stressed out about all of this most of the time.

My sweet boy as a baby.

My son has been diagnosed with several different disorders that are referred to by initialisms (not acronyms since they can't be pronounced as words; always the geek!).  Quite frankly I don't think those initialisms mean all that much.  The primary presenting issues that we deal with are his lack of ability to regulate his mood, doing or saying things prior to engaging his brain and thinking, and being defiant when he has things he needs to get done.  This sweet, kind, caring person "Hulks out".  (Since he loves Marvel super heroes so much, he understands that language so that's the term we've given it.)  He's physically lashed out at times, especially with his sister, and he verbally lashes out pretty much every time he loses control.  He's very smart, so he's able to come up with some pretty cutting and hurtful remarks when this happens.  After he's calmed down and/or thought about what he's done, he always feels so regretful; because he truly doesn't want to hurt others.  My son is a caring, kind, and generous person who gets hijacked by his own brain chemistry.

When we first starting experiencing these problems about three years ago in first grade (also the year he had a terrible teacher and in hindsight we should have intervened and gotten him moved into a different class), we applied regular discipline and consequences.  We were very clear with our expectations and very consistent and firm with the consequences.  At one time we had every single one of his toys in our room, and each day he had to earn a toy back.  He's been grounded more in the last three years than his sister has been in her almost thirteen years of life.  We were doing what everyone thought we should do, we were being the "heavies" with him.  But that didn't have a very good outcome.  One Saturday afternoon we ended up at the Children's Hospital on suicide watch.  I thought I was going to have to leave that hospital without him and let someone else take my little boy for the night.  It was the most awful and terrible moment of my life.  Thankfully he had calmed down enough by the end of the day that we were allowed to bring him home.

After that crisis we realized that:  a) we weren't dealing with normal issues, and b) we needed to try something different because what we had been doing wasn't working.  We got him in to see a therapist and a psychiatrist.  We started him on medication, which I hate, but I hate more the reputation he was getting at school and being worried that he would start to question his worth and value as a human being.

We continue to have issues even though we're doing everything we're supposed to do.  We have always provided a stable home with very little arguing or yelling.  We don't have any alcoholism or drug abuse in our family.  We provide natural consequences for bad choices.  We tell our children the rules and what we expect of them.  We praise them when they make good choices.  We model appropriate behavior.  We teach right from wrong.  We provide structure and routine.  We eat dinner together at the dining room table every evening (usually without any TV except for the infrequent special occasion).  We read bedtime stories every night.  We read books about how to help children with these types of issues.  The one area where I know we could do better is in modeling how to handle stress.

I realize that I sound like I'm trying to justify myself, I guess it's because I frequently feel judged and found wanting.  Even by some of our family.  In fact I believe that my brother-in-law's belief that my son acts the way he does because we're not disciplining him correctly played into his decision to move away.  Sometimes I want to scream, "look at my other child, she doesn't have this issue.  We're not doing anything wrong!"  I also get the impression that the school doesn't really believe that we're doing what we can to help our son to behave properly in the classroom setting.  Maybe that's not true, but that's how it feels.

What I want for my children is for both of them to have a strong sense of self-worth and to be the very best versions of themselves possible.  I want them to be happy with their choices and themselves.  I don't want them to be mired in regret and negativity.  I love my children more than life itself; there's nothing that I wouldn't do for them.  So I will never give up on trying to help my son (and my daughter) be the very best versions of themselves.

So it's time to make some new choices.  We're going to start family therapy to find out how we can best help and support each other.  We'll keep reading all the articles and books we can to learn from others going through the same things.  We also decided last night that we need to get our son involved in volunteer work.  He loves to help others and I think it will help him to see that he has more than many other people.  I also think helping others will help him to feel good about himself, which is terribly important because I think his self-esteem gets pretty eroded when he's always getting in trouble at school.

As stressful as all of this is, I still feel very fortunate.  I have a loving and supportive spouse who is my partner in this.  I have extended family who believe in us as parents and who believe in our children.  I was complaining earlier about how we live in a time when mental illness is still stigmatized and we don't get much support from the school.  But we also live in a time where we have access to support groups and information to help us through this.  So we're going to be alright.  We'll just keep choosing to help our son and make sure that we remind him that he's still good and this doesn't change how much we love him.

If you've read this far with me, thanks for sticking with me.  I guess all I really ask is that we all choose to support each other in this life.  We never truly know what another person may be dealing with, and sometimes knowing that someone out there is trying to understand and support you makes all the difference in the world.