Sunset

Today my daughter had to host the induction ceremony for the incoming 6th graders into The National Junior Honor Society.  As a 7th grader she had to be there to help set up and assist with the ceremony.  She started at 2:30 this afternoon and called me at 7:15 to come pick her up.  The only things they fed the kids in all that time was some gogurt and kettle corn.  At 2:30.

My poor kiddo was very hungry by the time she got home at 7:30.  But she was very patient when I told her that I had to pull into the college parking lot by the house to get a shot of the sunset.  It was just too glorious to pass up.

Frustration

It is very important to me to be kind.  I don't always succeed beautifully, but I do try because I think it's the most important thing we can do for one another.  The place where I definitely struggle the most to be kind to others is at work.  I am there to do a job, that's why they pay me to be there.  I work with a couple of people who have been fairly blunt in saying that they are at work to make friends.  I have a hard time being patient with and kind to those people.  It's something I am trying to work on.  It's not fair to expect everyone else to share my values.

I tend to be somewhat like my recently late father in expecting everyone to give 100% effort to every task that they undertake.  But I always thought my dad was unnecessarily hard on people.  So I want to make different choices.  I want to be kind and more accepting of others who are different than me.  I don't have any prejudices based on physical attributes, but I clearly have a prejudice where values differ.  That's something I really need to work on.  It's not alright to dislike someone because they're different than me, even if it is an issue with the content of their character.

My husband and I took a walk on this sunny, windy Colorado afternoon so I could vent and try to get back into the proper head space; I needed an extreme attitude adjustment.  Being outside always makes me feel better which never ceases to amaze me.  I would think that by now I'd realize how much better I feel after I get outside, but it still surprises every time it happens.  I like the picture I got along our creek (with my phone camera), I know it's not technically perfect, but I think it captures the feel of the afternoon perfectly.

Shadows and Wind and Bits and Bobs

Ever since I was young and had to take naps (I really wish someone would make me take naps now!), I remember staring at the shadows of tree branches blowing in the wind to help myself fall asleep.  There is something infinitely relaxing and soothing about watching shadows in sunlight.

This morning when I went for a walk/jog I had to pause my pedometer and stop and take a picture of this tree which has already leafed out and was right in the path of the street light.  It was quite lovely against the dark sky.  

We've had some significant wind today, I actually had a hard time walking into the wind on my way to the bus stop this afternoon after work.  You can get some sense of the motion in this picture.

You can also see that we're still waiting for most of the trees to leaf out.  I'll be very glad to see everything turn green this year.

Colors and How Not to Parent

I don't know why favorite colors have always been so important to people, but as long as I can remember I've answered that inevitable question with, "blue and green."  My son asked me my third favorite color and I told him purple.  When I was younger I didn't really know why I liked those colors so much, but I think I've got it figured out now.

I love the color of trees against the sky, and lilacs are my favorite flowers.  I think it's probably because they're so brief in their beauty and it just seems so special.

Last night we watched the latest episode of The Cosmos.  It's a fantastic show and it makes for good and educational family viewing.  Neil deGrasse Tyson was discussing how we can't ever actually touch another person.  This morning my son was mad because I made the totally unreasonable demand that he wear a sweatshirt since it was only 36 degrees.  I told him I was tired of the melodrama and to cool it.  He hit my arm and when I told him he's not allowed to hit, he told me that he hadn't actually touched me.  I told him he'd better stop or he wouldn't be allowed to watch The Cosmos any longer; after I laughed out loud.  There goes my parenting cred...I don't think I'm supposed to laugh at those things!  Oh well, it did diffuse the tension over the stupid sweatshirt.

I used to think that someday this parenting thing would get easier, but then I look at my 44-year old brother-in-law and the somewhat off-the-beaten-path choices he's made for his life and I know my in-laws still worry.  So it probably doesn't ever get any easier, but I imagine some day we won't fight over jackets when it's cold!

Astonishing Nature

I realized that due to my writing hiatus I never posted pictures of the crab apple tree on our creek when it bloomed.  I did take pictures though, so I have them to share now.

It looked absolutely stunning about a week ago.  It's starting to fade now, it's definitely a short-lived blooming.  But although the tree isn't as striking, the ground around the tree is very festive right now.

Yesterday I did some yard work starting to clean up for spring.  We're running a little late on getting the yard ready, but the past couple of weekends haven't been conducive to working in the yard.  It felt good to get out and dig in the dirt.  I saw lots of little insects and spiders, especially pill bugs.  It's a nice reminder of how much life is out in the yard.  I also had some company from a little rabbit.  

When I was cleaning up one of the beds, I noticed that there was a plant sprouting right up through a dead leaf; it had created a perfect hole through the middle of the leaf.

This week on walks I also saw many other wonderful sights.  There were mushrooms growing on an old tree stump, a tulip garden at my son's school, and lots of beautiful flowering trees and shrubs.  Nature really is amazing, especially this time of year when everything is waking up again.

Last night my daughter and I walked a 5K for the virtual series of 5K races we're doing this year.  It was a beautiful evening and we had some nice mother-daughter time.  We heard frogs croaking, birds singing, and saw a heron (or maybe a crane, but I think it was a heron) fly overhead.

Choosing My Quote #1

I've decided to start a new feature.  I don't know how frequently I'll do this, if it'll be monthly, weekly, or just randomly.  But I've decided to start sharing some quotes about the choices we make because there are so many good quotes out there.  Some of my favorites are from the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings books, but I've decided to start with a song I listened to the other day.  Music lyrics are some of the best poetry out there, and I really liked these lyrics.

Springtime In My Yard

I went for a walk with my husband tonight and was wishing that we had more time so I could stop and take a few pictures of all the pretty spring flowers.  But he wanted to do an aerobic walk so I couldn't stop.  When we got back home I realized that my yard was a veritable cornucopia of spring beauty, so I took my camera outside and captured some the lovely spring sights.

The violets are starting to take over the yard, but I don't mind too much since they're so pretty

The lilacs are almost ready; it looks like they'll be gorgeous this year

Holly bushes have lovely yellow flowers in the spring

The maple tree is starting to leaf out

Close up of the maple tree

Checking In

I had really been doing much better about posting regularly, but I've hit a snag.  I know that my readers can only deal with so many posts about how I'm trying to deal with losing my dad; but unfortunately that's pretty much all I can think about.  So my posting may continue to be a bit spotty for a little while.  I'll be doing something and think, "the last time I did this my dad was still alive."  Or I'll see or hear something that I know he would enjoy and think, "I can't ever share this with him."  There is no one who will ever love me the exact same way my dad did, so that type of love is gone from my life forever.  Of course I'm also dealing with regret and guilt that I didn't put my pride aside and try to nurture an even deeper relationship with my dad when I had a chance.  While I knew intellectually that he could go at any time because he wasn't particularly healthy; I don't think I ever really believed that we would go this soon.  I didn't lose my first grandparent until I was 27 years old, I guess I just expected to have both of my parents around for much longer.  Luckily my mom is really healthy and we have a great relationship.
I'm hoping that I can start to figure out how to move forward better after this week.  Tomorrow is the memorial service and it almost feels like I can't start healing until after that happens.  I put together the slide show and my husband wrote a song that he's going to play while we watch the pictures.  I wrote the eulogy which I have to deliver directly after the slide show (I'm not sure why my mom's pastor thought that would be a good order!)  My mom wanted either my brother or me to deliver the eulogy, and my brother said no way would he able to do that because he'd be too much of a mess.  It reminded me of the scene in Steel Magnolias where Sally Field's character says "men are supposed to be made of steel or something."  I know I can do it; I'm sure I'll have to pause and take some deep breaths at times, and that there will be tears, but I can do it.  Then the nursing home where my mom works and my dad had worked for a little while is hosting a memorial service on Friday.  So maybe after that I can start healing and figuring out to move on from here.

On another note, I went for a walk this afternoon and took some pictures of all the spring sights around my neighborhood.

I'm not sure what type of bush this is, but I wish there was a way to capture smells and share them because it gives off the the most heavenly scent.

Flowering Trees

Tulips in different stages

Cute little rabbit

Goodbye To My Dad

My father passed away last Sunday.  I've been experiencing quite a broad range of emotions as I deal with this loss.  My father was, as my brother puts it, a complicated man.  He was extremely intelligent; if I ever wanted to know about something or know how to do something, I asked my dad.  He was also very generous.  His preferred method of showing affection was by providing gifts.  But his generosity didn't end there, he always stopped during snow storms to help people who were stuck.  He took a job several years ago where the company had hired an indigent gentleman who didn't even know his own last name, whom the company paid under the table.  The man was getting older and wasn't working out very well any longer so the owners of the company were just going to throw him out on the street.  My dad told them he'd report them if they did that and asked for some time to provide a better solution.  (No one ever accused my dad of having too much tact, but you always knew where you stood with him.)  He did research on his own time and found the gentleman's history, he had been in a mental institution in Pueblo before he moved to Denver.  My dad found his last name and got him set up with social security.  He put him on the company's payroll for a time so he could start showing wages earned.  He found a home and eventually a new job for this man.  He also started picking him up and bringing him to our family holiday celebrations so the man wouldn't be alone.

My dad served two tours in the Army during the Vietnam conflict.  He was on a fire rescue crew and had very fond memories of his service (along with PTSD).  Because of his military experience he always believed in the 7 Ps:  proper prior planning prevents piss-poor performance.  This was drilled into me as a child and it's the reason I carry such a gigantic purse today.  When we went into the hospital room to say goodbye to my dad on Sunday night, my son asked if he could have a clipping of my dad's hair to keep.  My mom turned to me and asked if I had a pocket knife with scissors.  I of course did, and my sister-in-law said, "he'd be proud that you had that and practiced your 7 Ps."

He loved to read and draw.  He worked as a draftsman, an aerospace engineer, and a technical writer.  He owned his own businesses twice, once providing police and emergency equipment, and once as a consulting Technical Writer.  He was constantly drawing floor plans and garden plans.  When we were going through his things after he passed away, we came across countless plans that he'd drawn in every single area of the house.  He was going to help me draw the floor plans for a cabin in the mountains someday when I'd saved enough money.  I think he had actually already drawn them up, so I'm hoping we find them as we continue to sort through his things since I can't ask him now.

He was also the person I most enjoyed sharing my photography with.  My dad and I actually have very similar traits, they just manifested differently in us.  So there was a great deal of head butting that occurred between the two of us.  But we both loved photography, and it was something we could share.  I loved showing him my pictures because I knew he appreciated both the subject and the technical ability.  I wrote all about how I got started in photography and how my dad gave me my first real camera in this post.

Those are the wonderful things that I remember about my dad, and now they're all that really matter.  But in life he could be very difficult and frustrating at times.  He didn't treat my mom very well and was never appreciative of how much she did for him.  He said some pretty cutting things to me, especially during my teenage years.  And of course he didn't take care of himself, which is why he died at 67 years of age.  But I don't know if he was capable of making different choices, at least not without a monumental amount of effort.  My grandfather beat my dad terribly the whole time he was growing up.  But I think that wasn't even the worst of it, I think my dad could have dealt with that.  I think the thing that really messed him up was that he was never good enough for his dad.  My paternal grandfather was not a good person.  (I've posted about my maternal grandpa here and he was the exact opposite, he was the best person I'd ever known.)  My dad's father was also extraordinarily intelligent.  There wasn't anything he didn't know about, even when he was older and near death, he just KNEW about everything.  But he had no emotional intelligence.  He told my dad all the time that he was stupid and wasn't doing things correctly.  My parents actually moved to Colorado from Illinois when I was a baby to get away from my dad's parents.  But my dad was never able to fully escape.  One time when my grandparents came to visit the first words out of my grandfather's mouth to my dad were, "what kind of god damn idiot would put rocks in his yard?"  Of course no one did that in Illinois, but Colorado doesn't get the same kind of moisture so it made perfect sense here.

But despite the complicated relationship we all had with my dad, I miss him.  He's the one and only dad I ever get.  He was hard to get close to, but I'm so grateful now that I made more of an effort as I got older.  I hugged my dad more often, he never initiated those hugs, but he always hugged me back when I initiated them and called me "darlin'."  He wasn't one to say, "I love you" very often.  In fact after he had his heart attack in 1997 and was recovering from bypass surgery, my brother told my dad that he loved him and my dad responded with, "I love you, too."  My brother and I looked at each other and said "he's not awake from the anesthesia yet."  But he did love me.  I've always known that, even when he said mean things.  I guess maybe that's why my self-esteem has never suffered the way his did.  I wish he had believed in himself more, because there really was a great deal of good there.

Goodbye, Dad.  I love you.  I miss you.  I wish you were still here, complications and all.