Happy Halloween!

Have a spooky and happy Halloween!

Jack-O-Lanterns

My kiddos got their pumpkins carved tonight, so we're all set for All Hallow's Eve tomorrow!

The daughter 

 

The son

The pair

Contrast

This has been a somewhat challenging week at work.  My boss is out of town for meetings, and we've got a board meeting coming up so she needs to keep having several meetings with all of us here to make sure that the board materials are finalized.  She was in California for the beginning of the week, then New York, so she's been in multiple time zones that we've had to work with.  She's pretty bad about calendar management when she's here in the office, so being out of the office it's been even worse.  She keeps scheduling meetings, then changing meetings at the last minute, then expecting us to drop everything else and meet immediately, and also double-scheduling meetings with outside vendors which I have to clean up.   I'm going to have a serious conversation with her the next time we're both in the office (which won't be next week since I'll be traveling).  I don't have time to do my job, which requires focused time, and manage her calendar.  I realize that this is an area where I'm not particularly strong, but I'm a bit OCD and I'm a planner, and these moving-target meetings are not the way I in which I work best.

Yesterday afternoon I was on one of the calls while I was driving my kids to their piano lessons.  The call continued for the entirety of my son's lesson, so I didn't get my normal 1:1 time with my daughter which was disappointing.  Thankfully, it was over when my daughter went in for her lesson, so I got to go with my son to the park.  It was the perfect salve for a work day like that one.  We walked together and visited.  We swung together, even though my hips are a bit wide for the swing these days.  We watched hundreds of seagulls circling overhead.  We played in fallen leaves.  The contrast between the hectic day and the calming evening was very pronounced yesterday.  I could feel the tension and stress draining away from my mind and my body as I spent some time with my kiddo.  My son also had a good night, so for now the new plan with him seems to be working.

This pictures are all from my camera phone, so they're not quite as crisp, but they still captured the walk.

Cottonwood tree in the afternoon sunlight.

A Flock of Seagulls (the actual birds, not the band!) ;)

Making it rain...leaves.

The park bench in all its autumnal splendor.

This little flower is still going strong, even though it's almost the end of October.

Tonight after my son's gymnastics class we're going to turn the Halloween music on and carve our pumpkins.  So no matter what happens at work today, I know that I'll have that to look forward to!  I hope all of my readers have a great day too.

Crazy!

I didn't get a post up last night because the last couple of nights have been exceptionally difficult in our house.  My son is going through another really rough patch right now.  I know that last night I got so upset because I didn't manage my expectations.  After a really bad night on Monday, I thought we had worked a few things out and that it wouldn't happen again, and we don't normally see these types of behaviors two nights in a row.  So it really threw me for a loop when we had to deal with the same thing a second night in a row when I wasn't expecting it (and didn't really have the energy for it).  We have developed a new plan though, so I'm hopeful that tonight will be better, and prepared in case it isn't.

Last night I was so upset and nauseous, that there was no point in trying to go to sleep.  So instead I drew a hot bath, turned off the lights, and lit a candle.  I used calming lavender and rosemary soap.  After the bath I used a full-body relaxation technique I learned as a teenager.  At that point I was ready to go to sleep, and actually slept really well last night, only awakening one time when I needed another blanket.  Of course I still only got about 6 hours of sleep, but for the first time in a long time it was restful sleep.  I might need to try a bath, yoga, and/or meditation every night before bed as that always seems to be when I sleep the best.  Although it can be hard to find the time to fit it in.

As I was lying in the bath, I did some thinking.  Things are only as bad as I allow them to be with my reactions and responses.  We still have so much to be grateful for.  We have our health, our home, and our family.  I can still choose to do better.  That is if I don't totally lose it because work is beyond crazy right now.  Sigh...

A Quintessential Autumn Day

The sound of the leaves rattling against each other in the breeze and crunching under foot.

An owl hooting from the treetops.

A distant train whistle blowing mournfully.

A crisp walk in the cool evening air.

A new moon behind the nearly barren trees.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown on the television.

Weekly Progress Report

I've really been focusing this week on controlling my stress and my reactions to others.  For awhile I had been letting other people's issues really get me down.  I'm very happy to report that I've made some really good progress on this front.  There were some rather difficult situations at work this week, and I decided to just view them objectively and not let them effect my emotional well-being.  My son is also continuing to be super challenging at times, and at times as sweet as can be.  I'm also working to just be calm with him when he's at his worst, and make sure to really enjoy him and praise him when he's making good choices, instead of getting so upset with him.  This seems to be a strategy that's working for now, so I'm going to keep at it.

Now that I'm getting that back under control, it's time to refocus again on eating right.  I haven't even been trying there this week, unless maybe I was trying to gain weight, in which case I was successful.  I'm back up to 139.9.  Sigh...

I'm still not getting as much sleep as I'd like to.  Friday night my husband and I stayed up late to watch The Ring since it's imperative to watch horror movies this time of year.  Then I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't back to sleep for awhile, as I'm wont to do.  Then the neighbor's dogs started barking at 5:15 in the morning, and I was done sleeping for the night.  I've been tracking my sleep on my new jawbone band, and was a bit frustrated with the message it gave me today. 

You get less sleep than the average female UPster.  When you're tempted to stay up late, remember that extra shut-eye could boost productivity in the morning.

As if I'm staying awake on purpose!  My husband makes fun of how early I've been going to bed lately.  My problem for years has been that I can't stay asleep.  Sometimes when I wake up during the night I'm so tired that I can't physically keep my eyes open, but I still can't fall asleep.  But I guess I'll keep tracking for a bit and see if I figure out a way to start sleeping more.

That's my check-in for this week.  I hope you all have a great week and make some progress on your goals!

What is Art?

I've had some thoughts on art recently based on some photography that I've seen.  I follow a blog called Digital Photography School because I always want to keep improving and getting better.  There was a post last week with pictures of splashes, and the one that really caught my eye was called A Splash of Rose.  The post this week contained spooky images, and some of these are simply amazing.  These kinds of pictures are what I consider "art."  These are the kinds of things that not just anyone can do, it takes an artist to create these images.  I've been considering for quite some time trying to create a website and sell my photography.  While I have a good eye for composition and I keep my eyes open for photographic opportunities, I'm not so sure that I make pictures that anyone else with a good camera couldn't capture.  So I haven't tried to sell my work because at this point I don't think it's close enough to art to really interest anyone.  If I can’t do something unique that couldn't be done by the average person, why would anyone want to spend money on it?

This is similar to the way I feel about some abstract art:  I could make some of those things, as could anyone else.  It’s only when it’s unique and takes a level of talent not enjoyed by the average person, that I find it to be art worth appreciating.  My husband has a different take on abstract art.  He thinks that it's still art if someone thought it up.  However, if all it took was an idea, I'd be a published author hundreds of times over.  I just don't think it's difficult to come up with a good idea.  Executing on the idea is the hard part.  So we have to agree to disagree on this one.

One place where I do have unique “artistic” talent is in how I can use math and formulas to create tools for others.  That’s something that I can do that not everyone else can do.  Which is why someone pays me to do math, and no one has ever paid me to take pictures, or create a cross-stitch (something else I enjoy).

I do have the Lightroom download on my wishlist for Christmas this year so that I can start doing some post processing, and maybe once I get good at that I'll start feeling like I have a product that's worth selling.  I used to think that it wasn't real photography if you couldn't make it look the way you wanted to directly from the camera.  But I have a picture that I took late this summer of cherries on a tree that would really pop if I could make the photo black and white and just keep the cherries in color.  I also know that you can't get some photos straight out of the camera if the background and foreground need to be captured with different exposure levels.  So I'm hoping that I get my Christmas wish so maybe I can start getting more artistic and eventually reach a place where my pictures are better than just anyone can make with a decent camera, where I actually produce photographic art.

Leaves in the flowers, which are still blooming since it's been so warm this fall.

 

Our maple is finally turning yellow.

A bush in our backyard.  This has gone through some post-processing to really make the red pop.

Strange Obsession

I haven't had time to really check in over the last couple of days because we've had so many activities happening in the evenings.  Tuesday night I got to watch my daughter's band performance, and while I will admit that I'm biased, I think those 8th graders did really well.  My son got to go on a field trip to the symphony orchestra today and I was really bummed that I had training presentations to give at work today, because I would have loved to chaperone and see them perform Halloween music like The Hall of the Mountain King.  It's been a very musical week for our family.

I have an obsession that may have lessened a bit today, for kind of a silly reason.  I love to look at pictures of Vermont.  Every picture I've ever seen makes it look like one of the most beautiful places on the planet.  There's a blogger who I love to read, and I'll be honest that it started out as a way to view life in Vermont, though I've continued reading because she's such a good writer.  I follow another blog about Vermont called Happy Vermont because I get to look at more pictures, and these really are the most scenic places in the state.

Now, I've never actually been to Vermont, or any where in New England for that matter.  I found a cool feature on Google Sheets where you can make a chart using a map either of the world or the U.S.  One day I charted all the states I've visited and mapped it.  I have visited nearly every other state in the continental U.S., but never any in New England.  Perhaps this is part of the reason I've remained obsessed for so many years; because I've never found any relief from my desire to visit.  I think my obsession probably started with Newhart, even though only the intro was actually filmed in Vermont.

Today when I was reading the Happy Vermont blog post, I saw something that surprised me (even though it shouldn't have).  "Glastenbury Mountain is one of the highest peaks in Vermont with an elevation of 3,748 feet."  Um, that's lower than my elevation here in Denver (ya know, in the Mile High City), and the suburb I live in is closer to 6,000 feet above sea level.  While I don't hike 14ers very often because I feel like I have the flu when I get done (even Denverites can get altitude sickness), I have hiked several of them, and regularly spend time over 8,000 feet.  I suppose that it shouldn't change my attitude because a lower elevation doesn't mean Vermont is any less beautiful just because the mountains aren't as high as I'm used to.  But it did make me feel more grateful for my home state (well, since I was 9 months old and my parents moved here from Illinois).  Maybe I'll be slightly less obsessed now, and maybe I won't be.  I still desperately want to visit someday.

In the meantime, I've been running around taking pictures of the colorful leaves since they're starting to wane now and I want to capture all the fall beauty while it lasts.

This tree has leaves that are red, yellow, and orange.

Here's a closer picture of the multi-colored tree.

Raining Leaves

It's raining leaves tonight in my yard and it's simply beautiful, and somehow very peaceful.  I don't have time to write a real post right now because I get to watch my daughter perform at her band concert tonight!

Internal Control

I had been feeling pretty upset lately due to factors beyond my control at work and at home.  I was letting it effect my mood, my health, and my attitude.  I think my husband was at his wit's end trying to figure out how to help me, and I know I wasn't very pleasant to be around.  Last week I decided I needed to stop and take stock of the situation.

I work with some challenging people at my job (don't we all?).  They aren't going to stop being challenging just because it's upsetting to me.  It doesn't actually help anything to get worked up, and probably just makes things worse.  I realized that my happiness can't depend on things going the way I want them to.  I have to figure out how to be happy regardless of what's going on around me.  I tell my children all the time you can only control yourself, and it's fine to feel emotions, but you still control your reactions.  It's so much easier to give advice than it is to heed it!

Now obviously it's much easier to tell oneself that it doesn't do any good to get upset by factors beyond our control (especially other people), than it is to not get upset.  It takes work, effort and constant reminders.  It is worth it though, when I find reasons to be happy regardless of what is happening externally.  It also affords me more energy for being a mom, which makes me happier, so I start a positive cycle instead of being stuck in that vicious, negative cycle of unhappiness.

I wish I was one of those people who didn't ever let things get to me, but I'm just not.  I have way to much of my dad in me to be able to just ignore problems when I see them, even when, or maybe especially when, I can't do anything to fix them.  So just telling myself that I shouldn't let things bother me doesn't work long-term.  What I have found to be working is reminding myself that I'm making the choices that are right for me.  I have to define success for myself, and stop apologizing for my choices.  I enjoy my work and have to support my family.  My definition of success at work is doing interesting and challenging work that contributes to something larger than myself, and making enough money to support my family.  My definition of success does not include a fancy title and more responsibility.  So when I make choices to work hard and get my work done, then get home to be with my family, that is a conscious choice I'm making and I don't need to feel badly about it.  I've found that if I remind myself why I'm making the choices I am, and how said choices work in my life, that it's easier to let go of the negative emotions.  It's easier to feel good about what I'm doing and in turn to feel happy.

I'm sure this will be a cycle, and that I'll have my low times again (over and over and over...)  I don't think I've magically figured out how to change a life-time of learned habits supported by genetics.  I do think I'm making steps to choose my course forward again, instead of feeling like things are just happening to me.  I suppose in some ways it's nice not to have everything figured out by the time we're 18, it allows us to keep growing and learning, which I very much enjoy.

This new approach will also hopefully allow me to really refocus my efforts to get healthier and lose about 15 pounds.  I've been using food as a crutch to deal with my emotions so I haven't been able to sustain any progress on that front.  Now that I'm attempting to take control of my emotions again, I should be able to stop using food in that manner.

So here goes, I'll keep you posted on my results!

Offline Re-Calibration

I've been working on re-calibrating my attitude offline this week, and am very pleased to report that I'm meeting with some success.  I'm working on coming to terms with the fact that external factors shouldn't dictate my happiness.  In some ways I think a little less navel-gazing is helping me to just let things go rather than rehashing them ad nauseam.

I will write soon about how I'm managing, because I think this actually might be more helpful than my rather unsuccessful struggles to lose weight this year (though I haven't given up there).  More to come soon!

This morning's sky

The beautiful view sitting at a red light this morning

Amazing Autumn

We are currently experiencing the most beautiful autumn I can remember in a long time.  I just had to share a few photos, especially after my much heavier post earlier today.

Feeding the Wrong Wolf

Last night I gorged the dark wolf.  My son has been exceedingly difficult again lately.  We had a short reprieve this past week when we came up with something that worked again in helping him to modulate his behavior.  But like everything else we've ever tried, it only worked for a few days before he stopped caring.  The other day my boss was telling me about her son's migraine headaches, and said to me, "at least you know how to deal with your son's issues.  It's awful not knowing how to help my son."  What?!  I was so taken aback by both the inappropriate comparison and the power differential that exists in that situation, that I didn't even respond.  I wish I had said something about not comparing the two situations.  It is really freaking horrible when one's child is in physical pain and one doesn't know how to help.

It's also horrible that my child has a potentially misdiagnosed mental illness and I simply don't have the tools to help him.  It's horrible to worry about whether or not my son will become a decent person; and to worry about whether or not he'll decide to take his own life someday, like he's been threatening to do on and off since he was seven years old.  The guilt is horrible when I don't want to be around my child who senses when I'm at my weakest, most exhausted state, and intentionally antagonizes me.  He has actually told us before when he wasn't in the thrall of his issues, that he enjoys upsetting us when he's in that mood.  It's horrible that I have to remind myself that he has good qualities so I can be loving.  He is very gentle with and kind to babies and small children.  He befriends the kids who are marginalized by other children.  His mind works differently than others so he often sees things through a unique and helpful perspective.  He has a great sense of humor.  I have to hold on to these things when he's being completely defiant and telling me he doesn't even want me around.  It's also horrible that I have another child who doesn't get the attention she needs and deserves because I have no time or energy left after dealing with her brother.  Sometimes I feel that not only am I not capable of parenting these children, but that I shouldn't be doing it because I'm doing more harm than good.

I'm also still struggling terribly with my dad's death this past spring.  He was an exceedingly difficult man, and quite frankly I wasn't prepared for how badly I would miss him in light of those issues.  I also didn't understand how much of a foil he was with the rest of my family.  I'm uncertain how to navigate my extended family relationships and dynamics without him there.  I was always the "good" child who did everything I was supposed to do, and now I feel like the black sheep who hasn't fallen in line with everyone else.

None of us truly know what may be going on with another person.  I certainly don't share all of this personal stuff at work (and am even hesitant to share it here, but I can't write if I'm not being authentic).  That is why it's so important to always approach others with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  A difficult interaction with a coworker or a stranger may be the straw that breaks this camel's back.  If that happened, I'm sure the unfortunate person on the receiving end of my breakdown would think my reaction was totally out of proportion to the stimuli.  They'd be right of course, and still be wrong because they wouldn't understand the underlying issues.

Like many other people, I have lots of wonderful things in my life, and I have some really crappy things in my life.  I guess now I have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue to make choices that put my health and weight in that crappy category; or if I'm going to make choices that put my health and weight in the other category.  I also have to decide how I'm going to react to all of this.  Right now I'm completely stressed out.  My body aches.  I'm eating way more than I need to attempt to meet an emotional need with food.  Last night I actually thought I might be having a stress-induced heart attack when I was having chest pains (my exercise regime doesn't exempt me from heart problems, look at Sergei Grinkov, and my dad did die of heart problems).  I need to decide which wolf to feed, how healthy I want to be, and how I want to live my life.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

 - Rush, Freewill

Choice Story

I love this story and the way it makes me thinks about my choices of emotional responses.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil -- it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good -- it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Story courtesy of Huffington Post.

I know which wolf I've been choosing to feed lately.  I guess I've still got some work to do.

My yard late this afternoon.

Along the creek on my early Sunday morning walk (from my phone camera, sorry for the quality).