Rebel Without a Cause

Here's a sample of my internal dialogue lately.

I'm hungry.

No, I'm not; I just want some food.

OK, I want some food.

I can't have any right now, I've already had enough calories for the time being.

I don't care about the calories, I want some food.

Why do I want food right now?

I don't know, perhaps to escape the tedium of my bourgeois life?

I have a great life. There are people who have it so much tougher than I do. I'm being very ungrateful feeling bored with my life.

Great, now I feel guilty!

I know how to feel better and stop feeling so guilty: food!

No, that won't work, then I'll just feel guilty for eating and I'll regret it later.

I have to be strong and stick with my plan.

Why do I need to stick to this plan? Weight is just a number and isn't something for which people should be judging me. Besides, it's not like I'm overweight.

But I'd be more comfortable at a lower weight.

I can do whatever I want! Being an adult hasn't been as fun as I thought it would be. But I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want.

But I want to lose weight.

This one time won't hurt.

This "one" time becomes all the time though.

I want food, I'm having food.

Of course this entire mental conversation and eventual (and right now, inevitable) rebellion is against myself; which makes zero sense. I've never liked anyone telling me what to do. Apparently that extends to me.

I was so motivated to get back on track with the weight loss after not being able to fit into my snow pants this year. But then I had a dinner where I gave myself permission to "cheat", and I haven't been able to recapture that motivation since then.

So I was thinking that maybe I'm an "abstainer" using Gretchen Rubin's definition. But right now I'm like a petulant toddler and feel even more tempted if I decide eating too many calories is "off limits."
I just wish I could find a way to fuel my body without eating. Because if I could completely abstain from food, I think I'd be alright. It's this balancing act between eating enough to function and live, and not overeating that's causing me issues. Sigh...

On a related note, apparently today is National Chocolate Chip Day. I didn't even realize that was a thing. At any rate, I couldn't resist the soft cookie with chocolate chips and walnuts at work today.

The stormy sky over my daughter's school last night following her last middle school band concert.

The stormy sky over my son's school this afternoon.

Some pictures of the creek on my walk to pick up my son this afternoon.

Some of the kids that play down there built this little bridge over a narrow spot.