Now we're in middle school and we have several teachers that we have to work with, with varying degrees of success. His math teacher seems to have a major control issue and she and my son appear to have a major personality conflict. At this point they're both being intensely stubborn and I'm tempted to ask if it's possible to home-school for just one subject. I would look at another teacher, but with the inside knowledge we have from my husband working in the school district, I don't think there are any better options. We had quite the interesting email exchange with this woman yesterday, which made it abundantly clear that a student who is compliant is much more important to her than a student who is learning. I think one of my biggest frustrations from this situation is that my son has always loved math, and know he's saying he hates it. We're meeting with at least this teacher this coming Friday (and I'm hoping some of the others as well) and I think it's time to unleash my inner bitch. I've tried the calm, kind, patient, partnership mode and we're not seeing any positive improvement, so I think I'm done being nice. My son's education and his emotional well-being are too important to let this go any longer.
The rest of his teachers are frustrated because he doesn't put enough effort into his work. They all claim that when he's participating in classroom discussions he demonstrates very creative and intelligent thinking, but they can't get him to put any of that down on paper when it comes to homework and tests. He was placed in honors Language Arts with an excellent teacher and for the first time since Kindergarten claims to enjoy writing. But if he doesn't start putting more effort into his work, he's not going to get to stay in that class. Aside from effort issues though, the rest of his teachers are dealing with him and not creating an adversarial learning (or non-learning) environment.
Part of the frustration we're experiencing is that once again, we're feeling judged and deemed unworthy as parents. Especially with this math teacher, who seems to think that we're not doing anything to address the issues. We're trying to keep the lines of communication open and we've been very forthcoming with our interactions with the psychiatrist and adjusting medication. We keep talking to our son about school and what he needs to do there. We are providing consequences and he's currently grounded from friends and electronics. Short of sitting with my son all day and making sure he's on-task, I'm not sure what else we're supposed to do. My daughter has never required this type of parenting, so these aren't skills we needed to develop prior to now. A big part of the reason I found a new job was so that I could be closer to home and have a shorter commute so I could be with my son in the mornings. We've read dozens of books* and the we're finding some promising information now in one called Smart but Scattered Teens which talks about the executive skills we need to help our son develop. We are doing everything we know how to do, and trying to find new solutions daily, but this teacher seems to think that if she just keeps telling us that he's not meeting expectations that we'll come up with some magic bullet to fix the problem.
If there was some magical solution that I could apply in this situation, does this woman honestly believe that I wouldn't have already done so? I don't want to watch my son suffer this way. I don't want to deal with his temper and outbursts every time we need him to do a chore around the house. I don't want to worry about his safety when he threatens to hurt himself or tries to run away. I was the girl and young woman who almost never cried, and lately tears have been almost a daily occurrence because I'm so worried about my son and how he's going to navigate life. I'm about 96% sure that we're doing the right things and once his brain development and maturity reach a certain point, we'll see a wonderful young man who can make unique contributions because he sees the world differently. But there's that 4% of me that worries that I'm raising my uncle. My dad's youngest brother and only surviving sibling is the most awful human being I've ever encountered. What if this is all genetic and my son grows up to be like that? That concern keeps me up at night and is causing me so much stress right now that I'm actually losing my hair. Instead of support and assistance from the school we're getting judgment and more stress.
My husband and the principal at my son's school were close friends in high school. We haven't wanted to call on that relationship to handle problems, but since we're about to go Falling Down on this math teacher, I think it's time to use this relationship to get some different results. We're going to go in with a list of items we need addressed and we're going to take the approach that due to my son's mental health issues, he needs accommodations from the school and his teachers. We are also going to investigate a 504 plan which will legally require the school to make some more accommodations.
If you've stuck with this long rant, thanks for reading. If your child has any issues with ADHD or other mental illnesses, know that you're not alone out there, and maybe the book I listed above, or one of the others below will help you. I'm trying very hard to get myself into a better mental place so I can be an effective advocate for my son, instead of just feeling helpless and frustrated. If I can help even one other parent, it will make this all feel more manageable.
* Some more helpful books:
- 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child
- Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence
- The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
- Boy Writers
- Bright Minds, Poor Grades
- The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety
- Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens
- The Explosive Child
- Joey Pigza Swallowed the Key (this one is for the kiddos)
- Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety
- Mitten Strings for God (this one is more about creating space in our lives, but I found it helpful)
- The Motivated Brain
- My Anxious Mind: A Teen's Guide to Managing Anxiety and Panic
- Parenting Children with ADHD
- The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens
- Stress Free Kids
- Superparenting for ADD
- Talking Back to OCD
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