Personality Traits

How do you want others to describe you?  I know how I'd like to be described, though I doubt that anyone who really knows me would describe me this way.  I'd like people to say that I'm kind, authentic, and possess equanimity.  (Equanimity:  mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.)  I might get the kind and authentic labels, but I don't possess equanimity.

I come from a long line of people with short and explosive tempers.  But just because it's genetically coded and environmentally taught, doesn't mean that I have to choose to react the same way.  I would like to respond more calmly and unemotionally.  I would like to serenely take things in and objectively decide the best course of action.  Unfortunately right now my first reaction is generally incredulity and anger, before I respond in an appropriate way.  I think I do a decent job of projecting a certain level of calm, but I'm certainly not feeling it internally.

The words that people who know me probably would apply to me are words like strong, brave, and driven.  When I was in college I participated in ROTC for one semester.  (Until they told me I was getting a full-ride scholarship which would have meant active duty instead of reserves, so I quit.)  One of the sergeants (who was from the south) once told me that I was "harder than woodpecker lips."  My dad told me one time that there was a core of steel inside of me, and that I was pretty easy to get along with until you hit that core, then I was implacable.

My dad bought my son a magnet several years ago with a John Wayne quote on it that says, "courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."  I tend to agree with that definition (though I like a slightly less western version), and I guess I am pretty courageous in some areas of my life.  I'm scared to death that I'm not equipped to raise my son.  But I keep reaching out for help, reading everything I can get my hands on about his issue, and wading in every day to work with him.  I'm frightened that being authentic and putting myself out in the world to be judged will result in admonishment and insults.  But I keep doing it anyway.  So I guess there are some personality traits that I possess that are helpful, even if I don't value them as much as the traits I don't have.

I heard a sermon once about true forgiveness with a GPS as an analogy.  It doesn't matter how many wrong turns you make or how lousy you might be at following directions, the GPS just recalculates and gives you new directions.  Because all that matters to the GPS is reaching the destination.  I wish I could be more like that with my fellow human beings, since I know that we're all wrestling with our own demons.  I guess I have more to work on than just my weight, which is probably good, because after all; what would the point of life be without goals?