I've been having a hard time with my family gatherings since my dad's death about two and half months ago. My dad was a difficult man who demanded perfection from those around him and would bitterly berate anyone who fell short of his expectations. The irony of his own imperfections was lost on no one, including him, which is one of the reasons he fought depression. But he was a balancing influence in the family, and helped to keep the inevitable conversations about religion and politics much more reasonable. Now that he's gone, those conversations are very one-sided, and I feel like a pariah in my family because I don't share the same views as everyone else.
My son has been having more and more good days lately, but this weekend when we told the kids that we were cleaning, he had a really bad day. He became this whole other person, and we saw a nasty side of his personality not normally in view. He actually admitted at one point that he liked making everyone else upset because it was fun when he was in that kind of a mood. My husband and I think it's some twisted form on attention-seeking and controlling behaviors. But whatever caused it; it was a rough day. I felt like a failure as a mother and allowed my own temper to get the better of me. I had to apologize afterwards for screaming, and I do mean actual screaming, and door slamming.
This is also just a difficult time of year for me. Since my husband is a teacher, he and the kids are off during the summer. So every weekday morning I get ready in a dark house and leave while everyone else is still sleeping. I know this isn't a big deal, but it wears on me as the summer wears on. I start to feel somewhat resentful and it makes it even harder to go to work every day.
I know this is just a bunch of lame excuses and that the real issue is more likely that I'm afraid of failure, so I'm setting myself up to fail on purpose. Now that I've been able to articulate all of this, I think I can use some mental strategies to make some changes in my behaviors. Next weekend I'll be home and will do a weigh-in.
On a more positive note, we were able to watch the fireworks on Friday night. We got a deluge that afternoon, and I was in jeans and a sweatshirt after 96 degrees earlier that day, but we got to watch the show. We sat on a blanket on top of a tarp so we didn't get soaked. It was an amazing show this year and I really enjoyed being out there.
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