Trying to Do Better

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was in such a bad place mentally that I didn't have anything positive or productive to contribute to a conversation.  I'm trying to do better than that and be responsible for my own reactions to external stimuli.  I think I did pretty well today, both with the way I chose to react and, probably as a result of that, with the way I ate today.

I'll write more about my plan for continued improvement in the next few days, but for tonight I need to try to get some rest.  The last couple of nights have been particularly bad and I've only had about 7 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.  In the meantime, here are a few photos that I took.

Late blooms on the rosebush

The harvest moon last night at about midnight (when I wasn't sleeping)

Another shot of the moon with clouds moving in front of it

Weekly Weigh-In #5

Ugh!  I had a terrible weekend as far as eating goes.  I actually purposefully stress ate.  Everything sort of crashed and burned last Friday afternoon, and I decided that I had to do something to find a little bit of pleasure out of life, so I chose food.  And my weight is up to 140 pounds.  This is the highest it's been in over 3 years, and a real problem.  My clothes are way too tight to be comfortable right now, and my energy levels are severely dropping.  I have got to start moving this in the right direction.

I wrote a rather extensive post about my son at one point.  Lately he's been doing so much better, but this past week he basically reverted to all of his old ways, and Friday afternoon we had a horrible fight, which left me feeling like a worthless parent who can't manage my child or myself.  I also had tea with my mom on Friday since it was my dad's first birthday since his death.  My mom is still not handling it very well, and I'm not sure how to best support her.  Especially since I really want to heal and move on, and not keep rehashing this.  I also discovered in the conversation with my mom that someone close to us is currently doing something that I find morally repulsive.  So all of that on top of the fact that I think I'm dealing with a mid-life crisis just sent me over the edge emotionally.  Which is why I turned to food and a quick fix.

I wrote on Friday that I did a yoga workout, and I don't like to do yoga because I'm not even remotely flexible, but that I like the way my body feels after I do yoga.  The opposite is true of food:  I like the way I feel when I'm eating it, but I don't like the way I feel after I eat.  The big difference between the two is that if I just make myself spend the 20 to 45 minutes doing a workout, I know I'll feel good afterward.  But I have to deny myself food that I enjoy all day long.  I know that I need to approach food from a different mental place.  I also know that I need to figure out a healthier way to deal with the stress in my life.  If anyone has any helpful suggestions, I'm open to hearing them.  Because obviously I'm not figuring this out on my own at the moment.

We have had some really pretty skies lately due to storms rolling through.  I guess it's important to find something good to focus on!

Friday Reflections

My workout this morning did not go as planned.  I was super exhausted after another night of not being able to sleep, even though it was raining and cooler which should have helped.  When the alarm went off at 4:15 I seriously thought about shutting it off and just going back to sleep.  But I knew that if I started allowing myself to make an exception for one day, it would just lead to another, and another, and pretty soon I wouldn't be working out anymore.  So I got up and remembered my resolution to go for a walk if I felt too tired to do anything else.  But then I realized it was still raining, which is unusual for Colorado, and made going for a walk prohibitive.  I still could have gone, but I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to soak all of my clothes.

I tried to think about what else I could do in the house that wouldn't be too difficult given my state of exhaustion.  I decided to do a yoga session.  I don't actually like doing yoga because I'm very inflexible, but I like the way I feel after I've completed the workout.  It's sort of energizing and it's always a good muscle workout.  So I managed to get a decent workout in this morning after all.

Yesterday evening was rather challenging due to my son's homework load.  He had a Scholastic News Reader, 3 math sheets (2 were supposed to be completed in class), and a letter to write to his teacher about another math sheet that he had completed but never turned in.  Not only was the amount of homework somewhat extreme, but he was pretty belligerent and so everything was taking longer than it should have.  I didn't handle him particularly well and felt like a pretty poor mother.  Which I'm sure contributed to inability to sleep last night.  I guess it's good that we get more than one chance to do this parenting thing right.

Today on the way home from work one of my favorite radio stations was doing a throw-back lunch hour.  All the songs they were playing were from my college years, and it made me feel very happy.  College was the most fun I've ever had.  Parenting is more rewarding than attending college was, but most of the time it's not more fun.  So I was enjoying the memories that those songs were dredging up of exploration and learning, both in the academic sense and in figuring out who I was going to be as an adult.

Today is my dad's birthday, the first one since his death.  He would have been 68 today had he survived.  It's still hard to believe he's gone, but I guess I am healing as I can go several days without tearing up now.  I'm meeting my mom for coffee this afternoon so we can have a little time to remember him.  I think it's probably still harder for her than it is for me since he was her daily companion and as an adult I only saw my dad about once every other week.

My husband and I have a date night planned for tomorrow evening, I'm very excited to get to spend some time as a couple.  He informed me last weekend that it had been 99 days since our last date night, so we were due.  I hope everyone else has a wonderful weekend during this time of transition from summer to fall!

I think we're also going to need to pick cherries this weekend.

Choosing to Choose

So...yesterday I was super whiny, and I don't even like whining!  I feel like I haven't been choosing anything about my course lately, but just riding along on the whims of outside forces.  Although I guess that's still a choice that I'm making, to abdicate responsibility for my own choices.

We did decide to cut out the visit with the great aunts last night as after we got home from work we had a doctor's appointment for one child, piano lessons for both, both kids had massive amounts of homework, and my husband had band practice.  We just had to say no to something because there are only so many hours in the day.  Every day I feel more in awe of my mother.  She worked full-time; went to school; took care of 2 kids, all the house responsibilities, and my dad (who was more work than my brother and me combined).  I don't know how she did it.  She still has more energy than I do and she's 64 years old now.

Last night when we were discussing how we were going to fit everything in tonight, I decided that I was working from home today.  That way my son could walk home from school and get started on his homework earlier.  It wasn't really a day I was scheduled to work from home, but many of those days have been eaten up with meetings recently, so I didn't feel too bad about adding an extra one (or I could say replacing one of the lost days).  It just makes everything so much easier when I can cut out the nearly 2-hour daily commute to and from work.  Plus, I'm more productive when I'm working at home and not dealing with constant interruptions.

What this really boils down to is that I need to spend some more time thinking about how I can make different choices so that I don't always feel so overwhelmed.  I can't stop there though, I've got to then execute on those choices.  Because ever since my daughter was born over 13 years ago, I've felt overwhelmed and like there isn't enough time to fit everything in, and that I'm not actually spending time on the high-value items.  I need to identify my definition of success, and figure out which activities will contribute to that vision and end-state.

So I promise fewer whining posts and more posts about how I'm making better choices, which I hope will help give others some ideas also.  Because if I can't help someone else to start thinking, there's really no reason for all this navel gazing!

Since I was working from home today I walked my son to school and was able to get a few pictures (on my phone of course).

Dragonfly

Grapes

Life in the Fast Lane

Between work, school, and home obligations, I'm feeling pretty pressed for time.  I didn't realize how much work it would mean for me as a parent when my kids had homework.  I never thought it would be so difficult to find time to keep my house picked up.  Back when my husband and I were first married, our apartment was always neat and clean.  Now I just try to make my house not-as-embarrassing when we're having company.

I'm not the only one feeling the pinch either.  My daughter is about to go out of her gourd with the amount of homework she has tonight, and she still has to fit in piano lessons.  My husband and I are tag-teaming the doctor's appointments and lessons this afternoon, before he heads off to band practice tonight.  Plus his great aunt's are still in town visiting and want to see us tonight.  We may have to bow out of that obligation if I intend to keep my sanity.  I don't have enough calories left for the day to drink heavily tonight!

I was actually feeling pretty whiny about all of this earlier today.  I kept thinking why does this have to be so hard for me?  Why can't I just be independently wealthy and not have to work?  But then I remembered:  Oh, that's right, because I'm actually very lucky and have it easier than most other people in the world.  I also don't deserve that any more than any other people who are struggling with much more pressing problems.  I never have to worry about where I'm going to sleep tonight, or if I'll be able to feed my family.  My "first-world" problems are mostly self-imposed anyway; if I just didn't try to fit so much into my life, I wouldn't have this stress.  Although I'm really not sure what I could cut out, I don't want to get ill from dirty dishes and it might be frowned upon if we didn't have clean clothes to wear outside.  I also think we might run into issues if I didn't pay the bills.  But even when I remind myself of these truths, it's hard to end the pity party.

Oh well.  It is what it is.  I guess it's probably best to just keep moving forward so I can do it all again tomorrow!

Extended Family Time

We've spent time with extended family every day since last Saturday, and today is no exception.  My husband's great aunts are visiting their sister (my husband's grandma) right now so we'll be spending the evening with them again tonight.  We are actually quite fortunate that we have such a supportive extended family, with only a few total wackos, who luckily we didn't have to see recently.

I won't have time to write a regular post again tonight since we'll be out visiting, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to express my gratitude both for family; and for the peaceful times we enjoy after the visit is over.

During the visit last night during I took a few minutes out to grab a few photos in the nearly dusk light.

We also saw a spider on our way home.

Then tonight I grabbed a few photos while we were waiting for everyone to arrive, including a lovely one of my girl.

Happy Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day to everyone out there who gets to celebrate today.  In the case of parents, that just means laboring at home instead of work, but at least we get to be with our kiddos!