Another Course Correction

I was MIA this weekend and yesterday because of how busy my life has been.  Or really that's just an excuse, because I could have made the time, but I used every spare minute that I had to read The Queen of Bedlam.  It's one of those books that I had a really hard time starting as it's obviously written for a male audience (my brother recommended it to me), but once it took off I couldn't put it down.  So I read instead of writing.

I'm back today now that I've finished the book to share another required course correction.  In my quest to make choices that add up the best possible version of me, I've decided that I need to work on few things and set a few goals.

• I want to weigh 125 pounds by Halloween.  I'm going to start posting my weekly chart again this weekend to hold myself accountable to myself and my readers.
• I want to focus on the positives in my life and be more grateful for all that I have.  I especially want to be more positive at work, which has always been the toughest place for me to maintain a positive attitude.
• I want to make more of an effort to connect with my friends.  My kids won't always be at home, and I'm going to be awfully lonely someday if I haven't made an effort to have a life outside of my immediate family.

Work was somewhat challenging again today and I'm emotionally worn out.  I know that it doesn't matter what I think other people should do and that I need to live in reality.  I just wish people would understand that if we all spent time working together instead of at cross-purposes or just trying to get out of as much work as possible; we'd be so much more successful.  We'd also probably all feel better and have more energy.  But some people seem bound and determined to expend all of their energy on avoiding work, which could have been accomplished in the time they spent trying to foist it off to someone else.  Clearly my second bullet point above is going to be the most challenging item.

I'm pretty sad about Robin Williams.  This celebrity death has definitely hit me harder than any other.  I think it's because I grew up watching him and he's not that old.  I imagine that I'll experience this more and more as I continue to age.  I'm especially sad because he wasn't able to get the help he needed to fight his own demons.  Accidents and illnesses are tough to deal with, but suicide is hard to get my head around.  I don't like to think of any other human being feeling so alone and lost.  It's just a reminder that we don't always know what's happening on the inside, and we should all try to be as kind as loving as possible.

Peace and Weight

This morning I ate breakfast on my deck surrounded by green trees.  I brought my current book (The Queen of Bedlam by Robert McCammon) with me and sat there sipping my tea until my daughter got up.  Then she sat out there with me and we visited.  It was about 62 degrees, peaceful, and wonderful.  While there are several noises in the neighborhood now (about 10:00), things were still very sleepy a couple of hours ago.

Since I work outside of the house full-time and we're usually fairly busy on the weekends, eating a leisurely breakfast on my back deck is a rare treat.  I would probably take it for granted if I got to do it all the time.  Maybe it's good that several of the things that I like to do can't be indulged in too often.  I think the rarity makes me far more likely to savor each moment.

I had been toying with the idea (again) of giving up on trying to lose weight.  I figured that I'm not actually overweight and I work out regularly so maybe it wasn't a big deal.  But then yesterday I had to put on my business suit and was forcefully reminded that I really have put too much weight back on.  So it's time to stop making excusing and justifications for my eating, since that's the root of the issue.  It's time to get serious again about making healthy eating choices, and it's time to stop ingesting so many calories.  It's painfully obvious that my body doesn't need that many calories and can't properly use them.  So time to redouble my efforts...again!

Photo Edits and Struggles

I've started playing with some fairly simple photo editing, and I have to admit that I'm having fun with it.  I'm also really liking the result I get sometimes.  It makes me feel kind of artistic.  I'm not going to stop taking and sharing pictures SOOC (straight out of the camera for those of you who don't want to google the acronym), but this provides some variety and adds some spice to my life!

We've got a thunderstorm rolling through this evening.  This is our second wave today, we also got hammered at lunch time.  It's kind of nice to listen to the thunder and see the flashes of lightning; provided that I'm inside!

I'm glad that I have this distraction right now.  Things have been a bit difficult both at work and at home this week.  There is one person who I work with who is just extremely challenging.  I'm sure this person isn't maliciously choosing to be difficult, that this individual believes their behaviors are justified and right.  I need to remind myself of this though because sometimes it feels mean and purposely adversarial.  I need to relax and not let this get to me because feeling upset about it only hurts me, and what's the point in that?  The best way to handle this is to take care of myself and stop worrying about it.  But it is easier said than done!

I'm also struggling a bit with my daughter.  She's 13 now and definitely a teenager.  It seems like everything I say or do right now is the wrong thing.  My husband isn't having as much trouble as I am, although I'm not sure what I'm doing that's so different.  I know this is just a phase, and that she's actually much easier on us than I was on my parents at this age.  I'm surprised my parents wanted anything to do with me when I was 13, I was terrible to them!  So maybe it's just time for my payback, and I just need to suck it up and deal with it.  The good thing is that she usually calms down after a bit and she's very good about apologizing.  So there's my silver lining.

Winding Down

While the summer season isn't over yet, (the high was almost 90 today) it is starting to wind down.  I have to turn the lights on when I shower at 5:00 in the morning now as it's too dark to shower by natural light.  My chrysanthemums are blooming, and my husband who is a teacher has returned to work.  We already did our back to school shopping (and dang, was that expensive!) and this week is the last week of the summer program for my son.

I always have mixed feelings this time of year.  I'm not overly fond of extreme heat, so I'm looking forward to cooler weather.  I love the colors and smells of autumn.  I also love getting to read my fall/Halloween books, and preparing for the Halloween holiday.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving
October Dreams edited by Richard Chizmar and Robert Morrish

The new school year is also kind of exciting, for me at least.  Although I always feel a little nostalgic remembering my school days which I loved when we visit on back to school night.  My work doesn't have a natural break or rhythm like school, it's just non-stop.

But despite all the things I'm looking forward to, the end of summer marks the accelerating passage of time.  It's another ending.  Plus, my husband does all the cleaning during the summer and once he goes back to work I have to reclaim my chores.  But whether I'm mentally prepared or not, summer is going to draw to a close.  So I guess I'd better get myself ready.

Photos From Tonight's Walk

I took my camera with me on my walk tonight, and just had to share a few of the photos.  I have to admit that I had a little fun with the photo editor on a couple of these!

No post-processing on this one, just the SOOC view of the sunset.

With all the moisture we've had this summer, the apple trees are going to have an abundant harvest.
I did do just a small adjustment to this picture since it was getting dark and I had to use the flash so it looked a little washed out.

Clouds, definitely edited!

I made this one B&W and increased the moodiness.  All of a sudden I'm in the mood for Halloween!

Tiger Lilly in my backyard, also SOOC.

Progress on Multiple Fronts

My husband found a book titled 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child that has really helped us to approach our son differently and we've seen a positive improvement.  It's not a miracle and now we have absolutely no problems, but it really has helped us, and him, to do better.  It's exciting to see positive progress.  I'm also finding myself able to enjoy him more and just appreciate him for who he is.  Now we'll see if we can keep it up once school starts, and get the teacher on board from day one.

There was a quote in that book that applies to every positive change we try to make:  "Strive for progress, not perfection."  That really made me think about my weight loss attempts.  I think partly because I haven't immediately reached my goal I've felt disenchanted and stopped even trying very hard.  I did just get back from vacation and was able to hold steady, so that's definitely going in the "win" column.  But I think if I can keep this idea in mind that I just need to be making progress, I won't become so easily disillusioned and ready to just throw up my hands.

I've also been doing some professional soul-searching and feel like I'm in a much better place.  I'm just not taking things so personally and I'm not worrying about other people's issues.  There are still some folks who are unpleasant and aren't pulling their weight, but it's not my problem.  I just need to make sure I'm doing a good job and continuing to grow.  I may have some other news in the work arena in the next few weeks; but either way I'm in a better head space now.  Of course just returning from vacation might be helping that also!

This is a picture of the sky during my walk with my husband last night.  The colors were just so pretty that I had to share.

Nostalgia and Yearning

Today my daughter asked if she could take some of our cooking utensils with her to college (5 years from now).  I told her of course she could, that we'd send her off with everything she needed, plus lots of tears.  She informed me that I'm very sentimental and nostalgic about childhood.  I wanted to tell her that I didn't understand how my mother felt either when I was her age, and to just wait until she became a mother herself.  But I refrained and simply agreed that I do indeed have those emotions about her childhood.   When you're a child time seems interminable.  Then you become an adult and at some point you realize that there's no special exclusion for you; that you are indeed mortal also.  When that realization occurs (usually somewhat subconsciously), that's when it seems like time speeds up and moves incredibly fast.  You understand that there is a limited amount of time in which to accomplish whatever it is you desire to do with your life.

I am struggling a bit right now with all of this as we've started getting back to school information and are planning on buying school supplies today.  My daughter will be starting her last year of middle school, and my son will be starting his last year of elementary school.  This fall we have to start looking into the high schools and which programs are offered where, and which schools allow students to choice in.  I distinctly remember sitting in the library at the elementary school for my daughter's kindergarten orientation and thinking I can't believe I already have a child starting elementary school.  I couldn't believe how quickly her infant and toddler years flew by.  Now I'm only 1 short year away from having a child in high school!

We just returned from a family vacation in which we included a stop in Santa Fe.  Here's a picture of my daughter the last time we visited Santa Fe, compared to this trip.

2002

2014
This picture is actually in the Black Canyon of the Gunnison as I didn't get any great pictures of her in Santa Fe

Here's a picture of my son's hotel bed on this trip.  I know it won't be much longer before he's done with toys and I won't have any really little ones any longer.

 

I'm fully aware that life doesn't end when one's children grow up.  I know that I'll have time to focus on myself and my relationship with my husband that's currently hard to come by.  But there's also just something so special about raising a child.  It makes me feel very useful and needed.  My favorite sound is my children's laughter.  I love it when they're being silly and get the giggles, that is music to my ears.  I'll miss that sound when they grow up and move out.  I'll even miss the constant calls of "Mom" whenever I try to do anything away from them.

Well, that's probably enough wallowing in sentimentality for one day!  Time to get back to enjoying the current moment with these precious kiddos, before I have to return to work tomorrow for the official end of my vacation.