One Day at a Time

Yesterday morning I got up and did a hard workout.  I've been working out every morning, but I had sort of been going through the motions rather than really focusing and making sure it was a real challenge.  I also entered all of my calories for the day and stayed within my goal.  This morning when I stood on the scale it was moving in the right direction for the first time in quite awhile (even though it is still WAY to high).

This morning I did it again, and while I haven't yet eaten dinner, I've managed to count my calories all day and I don't believe I'll go over my limit tonight either.  I do feel hungry in the afternoon time since I get up so dang early in the morning.  But a little hunger isn't going to kill me, especially not right now when I have so much in reserve.

I've got a long way to go again since I've been using food to deal with all of the stress and grief in my life this year.  I've had other times this year where I've been really good for a couple of days and then just revert back to my old habits.  So I have to remind myself that each day is its own event, and each day requires a commitment to making the right choices.  While I'm not so delusional to think that this will be easy to maintain long-term, I think I may finally be in the right mental place to make a better effort.  I'm looking forward to my weigh-in this coming weekend.  It's still going to be much higher than I want it to be, even if I do make good choices every single day this week.  But I might finally be on track to improve.

Solution?

I haven't written much lately, mainly because I'm trying a different approach to dealing with my pervasive ennui.  Howard Gardner proposed a theory of multiple intelligences, claiming that just because someone doesn't do well on a traditional IQ test doesn't mean they aren't intelligent; just that their intelligence may lie in another area.  You can find tests online that will help you to understand where your intelligence lies.  I found one at one point and unsurprisingly my top three areas were verbal/linguistic, logical/mathematical, and intrapersonal.  Since these are the types of intelligence/skills that show up best in traditional schooling, I guess that's why I was always a good student.  Lately though, I've been having an issue with the high intrapersonal intelligence.  I spend a great deal of time navel-gazing, and since I can't ever come up with any solutions to any of the issues on which I endlessly ruminate, I just continue to feel bad.  So I've actually been trying to do a little less introspection, and a little more living in the moment without worrying about the implications.

It does seem to be helping as I've been feeling less helpless and panicked lately.  However, it makes it very hard to write since I'm basically stopping myself from any self-reflection.  I want to clarify that I know that I have "first-world problems" and that I should be more grateful and less discontented.  But what can I say?  I'm just having a hard time moving in that direction.  Trying to convince myself that I should be more grateful just makes me feel guilty, which doesn't help at all.

My husband saw this quote below online that is attributed to an unknown author.  This pretty well sums it up for me.  I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure books as a kid, and I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to be an adult when I could do whatever I wanted.  I suppose that still is an option; if I was willing to let my life totally go down the drain.

At any rate, I will try to get on here at least once per week and at a minimum share my weigh-in results.  I have got to figure out how to motivate myself to lose weight again as I'm almost to the point where I'll need to move up a size in clothes, and I so don't want to do that.  It would mean admitting defeat and accepting a lower level of health and a lower quality of life as I age.  This is completely unacceptable because I know how frustrated I feel that my dad died so young because he didn't take care of himself and I don't want to do that to my family.  It's also a problem because I HATE shopping.  It's practically torture at the best of times, and I especially hate it when I'm heavy and nothing looks right when I try it on.  That was one of the really nice things when I'd lost all the weight before.  I still hated shopping, but at least I knew that if I saw something I liked it would look fine on me, so it was quicker and easier.

Here are some pictures from recent walks, including a large tree that was removed which is making my son sort of sad.  They're all from my camera phone so not quite as clear.

Christmas Lights

The moon behind the clouds and trees

A few leaves still hanging on

The wood from the big tree next to the creek path

The tree stump

One of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days where for some reason you just don't feel like you're firing on all cylinders?  I'm not sure exactly what my problem is today, but I'm feeling inadequate.  It makes me not want to even write a blog post because I'm fighting the thought, "why would anyone even care what I have to say?  What makes me think I'm interesting enough to even be writing a blog?"  Do you ever wonder what you have to offer?  Some days I'm not sure why anyone would be interested in hearing what I have to say.

I'm decent at math, but I'm not one of those amazing super-genius types about which TV shows are made.  I can take nice pictures, but I'm certainly not supporting myself on my photography.  I'm providing a safe and loving home for my children, but I don't have any amazing parenting answers.  I have one child who just does what she's supposed to do (I don't really know why) and another child who becomes defiant and difficult EVERY SINGLE TIME he needs to accomplish something, like a chore.  I'm really working on making good choices, but I fail at least as often as I succeed.  I've been seriously trying to lose weight for 20 weeks and have less than 2 pounds to show for it.

Why, oh why would anyone be interested in anything that I have to say?  Maybe because it really does help motivate other people to know that regardless of how hard I try, I'm still a fallible human being.  Maybe if someone as imperfect as me can manage to make good choices on occasion, then it will give others hope that they'll be able to do the same.  I do hope that honesty and sharing my struggles inspires someone else to keep trying, because it really is about the journey, not the destination.