Old, Fat, and Ugly

Winter night

My dad used to have two responses when people asked the perfunctory, "how are you" question. They of course were expecting a simple "fine" in response, but that's not what they got. If it was a stranger he generally responded, "almost perfect." If it was a family member, he nearly always answered, "old, fat, and ugly." I remember one time shortly before his death he answered me that way; then when he asked me how I was doing, I told him, "I'm getting there too." He protested that it wasn't true, and I think it may have been the first time he'd wished he didn't answer in such a snarky way.

Lately, I have really been feeling like the later answer would be an appropriate response for me also. I've regained all of the weight I managed to lose six years ago. I've been diagnosed with lichen planopilaris and am balding. I also found out that hair loss due to this issue is generally permanent because the hair follicles are scarred over. I've been dealing with so much stress for so long now due to my son's issues, that I look old and tired. So I am truly feeling old, fat, and ugly these days. I won't even update any of my photos on social media because I'm so upset with every current photo of me.

But...we're hoping to start a new treatment plan for my son today based on new information we got recently from a neuropsychological evaluation. The dermatologist told me that there's a chance that my hair will grow back, and we should definitely be able to halt the hair loss. I signed up to participate with four of my co-workers on a weight-loss team challenge. So I'm hopeful that I'll be able to turn some of this around and have better news to report in the future. Then maybe I'll be able to make complete strangers uncomfortable by responding, "almost perfect." Or maybe I'll just stick with the accepted social norms and just feel better internally!