Manic Monday

It has been a crazy Monday, and I found myself thinking of The Bangles this morning and then that song played in my head all day long. When I went for my walk this morning, I was truly creeped out to be walking in the early morning dark for really the first time ever. I saw a police car running its spotlight around an area as I was walking towards it. Then the car drove off so I thought maybe it was just a random check. But then there was a second police car running its spotlight around on the other side of the park that I was rapidly approaching. At that point I did start to get a bit uneasy. What were they looking for, and was I about to create a hostage crisis? Plus, several of the street lights on my walk are out. Normally I kind of like that because it's easier to see the stars. This morning I wasn't so thrilled. I did make it back to the house without incident though.

Then the day just went downhill from there, and that wasn't even considering that it's the first anniversary of my dad's death. So this afternoon I walked around the neighborhood and took pictures of the different shades of lilacs that are starting to bloom, to focus on something beautiful.

These first two are the different shades in my yard.

These next two are in other yards in the neighborhood. One is almost blue and the other is a very bright, dark purple.

The creek is really getting green now. It won't be long before everything is leafed out.

Anniversary Dinner

I made it through day two eating properly, yay!  I am fighting a bit of a headache for the second day now since my body was so used to extra calories, but I'm not going to die.

I've also managed to stay fairly positive for the last two days at work.  One of my coworkers who tends to complain a great deal (but who I really like) returned today, so it was harder.  But even with that added obstacle, I still kept a fairly positive attitude.  I hope all of you are having some success with the goals and/or resolutions you set for 2015.

We're having my mom over for dinner tonight since today would have been her 42nd wedding anniversary.  I know this is going to be a tough evening for her, and I wanted her with her grandchildren instead of home potentially wallowing in grief.  I know she needs to experience the grief, but I don't want her to have to suffer more than necessary.

We've had an incredible warm-up over the last 2 days, and almost all of our snow and ice are gone.  Yesterday it was extremely windy in front of the warm weather, and that really did a number on the snow.  This is all we have left in our yard today.

I have to run and get ready for dinner, so don't have too much time to write now.  I promise a meatier post tomorrow.

Feeding the Wrong Wolf

Last night I gorged the dark wolf.  My son has been exceedingly difficult again lately.  We had a short reprieve this past week when we came up with something that worked again in helping him to modulate his behavior.  But like everything else we've ever tried, it only worked for a few days before he stopped caring.  The other day my boss was telling me about her son's migraine headaches, and said to me, "at least you know how to deal with your son's issues.  It's awful not knowing how to help my son."  What?!  I was so taken aback by both the inappropriate comparison and the power differential that exists in that situation, that I didn't even respond.  I wish I had said something about not comparing the two situations.  It is really freaking horrible when one's child is in physical pain and one doesn't know how to help.

It's also horrible that my child has a potentially misdiagnosed mental illness and I simply don't have the tools to help him.  It's horrible to worry about whether or not my son will become a decent person; and to worry about whether or not he'll decide to take his own life someday, like he's been threatening to do on and off since he was seven years old.  The guilt is horrible when I don't want to be around my child who senses when I'm at my weakest, most exhausted state, and intentionally antagonizes me.  He has actually told us before when he wasn't in the thrall of his issues, that he enjoys upsetting us when he's in that mood.  It's horrible that I have to remind myself that he has good qualities so I can be loving.  He is very gentle with and kind to babies and small children.  He befriends the kids who are marginalized by other children.  His mind works differently than others so he often sees things through a unique and helpful perspective.  He has a great sense of humor.  I have to hold on to these things when he's being completely defiant and telling me he doesn't even want me around.  It's also horrible that I have another child who doesn't get the attention she needs and deserves because I have no time or energy left after dealing with her brother.  Sometimes I feel that not only am I not capable of parenting these children, but that I shouldn't be doing it because I'm doing more harm than good.

I'm also still struggling terribly with my dad's death this past spring.  He was an exceedingly difficult man, and quite frankly I wasn't prepared for how badly I would miss him in light of those issues.  I also didn't understand how much of a foil he was with the rest of my family.  I'm uncertain how to navigate my extended family relationships and dynamics without him there.  I was always the "good" child who did everything I was supposed to do, and now I feel like the black sheep who hasn't fallen in line with everyone else.

None of us truly know what may be going on with another person.  I certainly don't share all of this personal stuff at work (and am even hesitant to share it here, but I can't write if I'm not being authentic).  That is why it's so important to always approach others with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  A difficult interaction with a coworker or a stranger may be the straw that breaks this camel's back.  If that happened, I'm sure the unfortunate person on the receiving end of my breakdown would think my reaction was totally out of proportion to the stimuli.  They'd be right of course, and still be wrong because they wouldn't understand the underlying issues.

Like many other people, I have lots of wonderful things in my life, and I have some really crappy things in my life.  I guess now I have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue to make choices that put my health and weight in that crappy category; or if I'm going to make choices that put my health and weight in the other category.  I also have to decide how I'm going to react to all of this.  Right now I'm completely stressed out.  My body aches.  I'm eating way more than I need to attempt to meet an emotional need with food.  Last night I actually thought I might be having a stress-induced heart attack when I was having chest pains (my exercise regime doesn't exempt me from heart problems, look at Sergei Grinkov, and my dad did die of heart problems).  I need to decide which wolf to feed, how healthy I want to be, and how I want to live my life.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

 - Rush, Freewill

Before and After

This morning I got to sit in my empty family room for the first time since we moved into our house over 11 years ago.

Our fireplace is a bit messy because we were trying to keep things out of the way for our new furniture delivery.

Here's the picture of our family room a few hours later with our new furniture (the fireplace hasn't been picked up yet).

I actually had very mixed feelings about getting the new furniture today.  We ordered it a couple of months ago and when we had everyone over for my daughter's birthday party in March, my dad was asking when he'd get to see the new furniture.  So it was a little sad getting it today and knowing he'd never see it.  I know this will continue to get easier, but I think there are going to be things that happen for at least a year that will feel like a gut punch when I realize that my dad won't be here to share the experiences any longer.

The new sofa and loveseat are very comfortable and I think they look nice.  For years the kids have had to use bean bags when we watched movies together as a family.  Now they have their own reclining seats to sit in, and they got the old furniture in their basement playroom to use with their friends.  So even though this is another part of the grief of loss that I have to deal with; I'm still glad we received our furniture today.

Checking In

I had really been doing much better about posting regularly, but I've hit a snag.  I know that my readers can only deal with so many posts about how I'm trying to deal with losing my dad; but unfortunately that's pretty much all I can think about.  So my posting may continue to be a bit spotty for a little while.  I'll be doing something and think, "the last time I did this my dad was still alive."  Or I'll see or hear something that I know he would enjoy and think, "I can't ever share this with him."  There is no one who will ever love me the exact same way my dad did, so that type of love is gone from my life forever.  Of course I'm also dealing with regret and guilt that I didn't put my pride aside and try to nurture an even deeper relationship with my dad when I had a chance.  While I knew intellectually that he could go at any time because he wasn't particularly healthy; I don't think I ever really believed that we would go this soon.  I didn't lose my first grandparent until I was 27 years old, I guess I just expected to have both of my parents around for much longer.  Luckily my mom is really healthy and we have a great relationship.
I'm hoping that I can start to figure out how to move forward better after this week.  Tomorrow is the memorial service and it almost feels like I can't start healing until after that happens.  I put together the slide show and my husband wrote a song that he's going to play while we watch the pictures.  I wrote the eulogy which I have to deliver directly after the slide show (I'm not sure why my mom's pastor thought that would be a good order!)  My mom wanted either my brother or me to deliver the eulogy, and my brother said no way would he able to do that because he'd be too much of a mess.  It reminded me of the scene in Steel Magnolias where Sally Field's character says "men are supposed to be made of steel or something."  I know I can do it; I'm sure I'll have to pause and take some deep breaths at times, and that there will be tears, but I can do it.  Then the nursing home where my mom works and my dad had worked for a little while is hosting a memorial service on Friday.  So maybe after that I can start healing and figuring out to move on from here.

On another note, I went for a walk this afternoon and took some pictures of all the spring sights around my neighborhood.

I'm not sure what type of bush this is, but I wish there was a way to capture smells and share them because it gives off the the most heavenly scent.

Flowering Trees

Tulips in different stages

Cute little rabbit