Getting Back on Course

Lately I've been feeling a little down, and pretty bad about myself because I've been unable to make any progress in losing weight. So I've decided that I need to make some fundamental changes to provide myself a better chance of success.

I'm going to start getting some sleep. I've reached the point where I'm willing to try sleeping pills again. I won't use them daily, but I can't keep functioning at such a reduced capacity because it negatively impacts every part of my life. I know it's contributing to why I seem to be unable to make good food decisions when it's in front of me.

I'm going to work on my stress. I'm honestly not even sure why I feel stressed any longer. I have so much in my life for which to be grateful, and all in all it's a pretty good and comfortable life. Even so, I frequently feel tense and stressed. So I'm working my way through a stress management book. I'm hoping that will also help me to sleep better and mean the pills will just be a back-up plan.

I'm going to faithfully use My Fitness Pal again. It was by tracking my calories with that app that I was able to lose weight in the past. I've been using it in a very spotty fashion for the past three years. It's time to be diligent again and keep myself honest on the number of calories I'm consuming. I'm happy to report that today I ate the proper number of calories and the right kinds of food.

I'm going to try to be kinder to myself. Everything I've ever read about weight-loss (or any personal improvement) is that people are more successful when they treat themselves with kindness. I haven't been feeling very good about myself lately, and even getting back down to my goal weight won't change that if I don't figure out how to accept me as I am. I realized something today that may really help: I am important enough to feel better.

I know I've re-committed in the past and done well for a short time, but was never able to sustain it. So I guess there's no guarantee that this time will be any different. But I'm hoping that a more multi-faceted approach dealing with some of the underlying issues will yield a better result.

We've had a couple of nice, rainy days and the temperature tonight is just perfect, even if the humidity is higher than I'd like

Water droplets on the spider web in the evergreen bush.

Another view of the water-covered spider web.

The beautiful lilies in my backyard.

Rain drops on the leaves.

Book Recommendation: I just finished listening to the Drunken Fireworks audio book by Stephen King this morning while I was working out. I love his writing and his character development, and it was so much fun to listen to someone read his work with a North Eastern accent. I definitely recommend it for anyone who enjoys audio books.
I may make this a regular feature since I read so much (in this rare case, listen) and like to share good books with others.

Another Turning Point

Well, we're finished with elementary school. My son's 5th grade continuation ceremony was this morning. Afterwards my husband and I took him out for brunch. Then I took him to go look at dwarf hamsters which he'll be getting this summer. This afternoon I took the both the kids out to get frozen yogurt and celebrate the last day of school.

Last day of 5th grade

During the continuation ceremony one of the speakers talked about how they had entered the school as little Kindergarten students six years ago, and now they were leaving for middle school. I have very vivid memories of the first day of Kindergarten for both of my kids. I dropped my daughter off in her class and she hollered "bye" over her shoulder as she ran off to greet the experience, while I fought tears. When my son started school, parents weren't allowed in the building, so I stood outside (fighting tears, again) as a little boy held his hand and walked him in to the building while my son was crying. I'm still working on accepting the fact that it's all done now.

First day of Kindergarten

On the weight front, I posted that my new goal is to really focus when we get back from our vacation and get down to my goal weight of 125 pounds by Halloween. I've decided that if I achieve that, I'm giving myself the reward of getting to see Crimson Peak in the theater. If not I'll have to wait to watch it until it comes out on Netflix (though not streaming, that would be cruel and unusual punishment).

I'm also all set on my summer reading. I'm reading Jane Eyre right now in this lovely leather-bound book that my grandmother got for me a long time ago (which is apparently a "rare" book now). My mom got me The Seamstress for Mother's Day. I picked up The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August while we were shopping for a retirement present for my son's teacher. I also got A History of God on an impulse buy on Kindle. So I'm all set for a few weeks anyway! For this fall I've still got October Dreams 2 which I got for my birthday in February but am waiting until fall to read.

I probably won't be posting again for a couple of weeks, and should have some pretty spectacular photos from Ireland at that time. I hope the end of the school year goes well for all my readers!

Feeding the Wrong Wolf

Last night I gorged the dark wolf.  My son has been exceedingly difficult again lately.  We had a short reprieve this past week when we came up with something that worked again in helping him to modulate his behavior.  But like everything else we've ever tried, it only worked for a few days before he stopped caring.  The other day my boss was telling me about her son's migraine headaches, and said to me, "at least you know how to deal with your son's issues.  It's awful not knowing how to help my son."  What?!  I was so taken aback by both the inappropriate comparison and the power differential that exists in that situation, that I didn't even respond.  I wish I had said something about not comparing the two situations.  It is really freaking horrible when one's child is in physical pain and one doesn't know how to help.

It's also horrible that my child has a potentially misdiagnosed mental illness and I simply don't have the tools to help him.  It's horrible to worry about whether or not my son will become a decent person; and to worry about whether or not he'll decide to take his own life someday, like he's been threatening to do on and off since he was seven years old.  The guilt is horrible when I don't want to be around my child who senses when I'm at my weakest, most exhausted state, and intentionally antagonizes me.  He has actually told us before when he wasn't in the thrall of his issues, that he enjoys upsetting us when he's in that mood.  It's horrible that I have to remind myself that he has good qualities so I can be loving.  He is very gentle with and kind to babies and small children.  He befriends the kids who are marginalized by other children.  His mind works differently than others so he often sees things through a unique and helpful perspective.  He has a great sense of humor.  I have to hold on to these things when he's being completely defiant and telling me he doesn't even want me around.  It's also horrible that I have another child who doesn't get the attention she needs and deserves because I have no time or energy left after dealing with her brother.  Sometimes I feel that not only am I not capable of parenting these children, but that I shouldn't be doing it because I'm doing more harm than good.

I'm also still struggling terribly with my dad's death this past spring.  He was an exceedingly difficult man, and quite frankly I wasn't prepared for how badly I would miss him in light of those issues.  I also didn't understand how much of a foil he was with the rest of my family.  I'm uncertain how to navigate my extended family relationships and dynamics without him there.  I was always the "good" child who did everything I was supposed to do, and now I feel like the black sheep who hasn't fallen in line with everyone else.

None of us truly know what may be going on with another person.  I certainly don't share all of this personal stuff at work (and am even hesitant to share it here, but I can't write if I'm not being authentic).  That is why it's so important to always approach others with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  A difficult interaction with a coworker or a stranger may be the straw that breaks this camel's back.  If that happened, I'm sure the unfortunate person on the receiving end of my breakdown would think my reaction was totally out of proportion to the stimuli.  They'd be right of course, and still be wrong because they wouldn't understand the underlying issues.

Like many other people, I have lots of wonderful things in my life, and I have some really crappy things in my life.  I guess now I have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue to make choices that put my health and weight in that crappy category; or if I'm going to make choices that put my health and weight in the other category.  I also have to decide how I'm going to react to all of this.  Right now I'm completely stressed out.  My body aches.  I'm eating way more than I need to attempt to meet an emotional need with food.  Last night I actually thought I might be having a stress-induced heart attack when I was having chest pains (my exercise regime doesn't exempt me from heart problems, look at Sergei Grinkov, and my dad did die of heart problems).  I need to decide which wolf to feed, how healthy I want to be, and how I want to live my life.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

 - Rush, Freewill

Crazy Week!

The view as I left the house yesterday morning.

I'm using my lunch break at work to take the opportunity to write what may very well be the only blog post I can manage this week.  My husband has a mandatory work training that goes from 8:30 to 5:30 every day this week.  As if the timing issue wasn't bad enough, he says the trainer is terrible and takes at least twice as long as necessary to show everything.  Did I mention this training is for teachers?  I can't imagine they would be the most patient audience with an inept presenter, I'm glad I'm not in that guy's shoes right now.

Monday evening the whole family had dentist appointments.  Tuesday evening we had piano practice for the kids from 5:15 to 6:15, which is especially important because they have a recital coming up.  Except that on Monday we were notified that my daughter needed to be at school on Tuesday to rehearse for her 7:00 band concert at 5:15.  So she had to miss piano lessons and get dropped off at school, and my son had to go to piano lessons late.  The one good thing is that my husband and I were able to get a walk in while my son was at piano lessons.  It gave us a few minutes to just talk, and to enjoy some nature.

Apparently new pine cones are purple.  Who knew?

These tulips are such a dark purple they look almost black.  They are so lovely I had to stop and grab a photo.

The coming storm made for very interesting skies.

After the piano lesson finished we rushed over to my daughter's school where most of the bleachers were already filled at 6:35.  We found a seat fairly high up, but right in front of my daughter.  Of course I didn't realize that her band teacher would be conducting from right in front of her.  Sigh...
The band concert didn't end until 8:45, which was far longer than I was expecting, and significantly longer than my almost 10-year old wanted to sit still.  My own rear end was protesting quite loudly by the end of the concert, as were my knees; those bleachers weren't designed for full-sized adults.  Also, with all that body heat I thought I was going to pass out from heatstroke.  But the kids played great, and they finished in style.  The last song of the evening was played by all the bands together and it was Pirates of the Caribbean.  That is a swashbuckling song and definitely ended the concert on a high note (pun totally intended!)  We didn't sit down to eat dinner until after 9:00, which is after my bed time since I get up at 4:15 in the morning.

This evening I have to get my son to a doctor's appointment, my daughter to a meeting about her rapidly upcoming Europe trip, and my husband has band practice.  Tomorrow evening my son is supposed to have gymnastics and a play at school, I think we're going to have to skip gymnastics for the week in favor of making it to the play on time.  These school events are a little hard on all of us right now because my dad always came to these, so this is the first time he's not attending.  Friday evening we're going to be hosting Mother's Day at my house for my mom.  I asked my brother if he could do it on Sunday and he said he had a hockey game but didn't know when, and didn't know when he'd find out, so Friday it is.  This is what our week looks like and we don't even have our kids in competitive leagues, I don't know how some of our friends keep up since I'm barely hanging on.

I had a doctor's appointment today for a check-up and to talk with my doctor about the fact that I'm concerned that I have hypothyroidism.  He looked at all my physical problems and listened to all of my symptoms and agreed that something's wrong and ordered blood work a full battery of tests.  I'm actually kind of relieved that he agrees something is physically wrong.  I didn't know what I was going to do if he said everything looked fine, because I'm tired of feeling exhausted all the time.  Although we won't know for sure until the results come back from the tests, so I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up too high yet.  It's sort of perverse to be hoping for something to be wrong, but if we can treat this and I can feel better, that will be a good thing.

I'm practically giddy with all of the nature that's waking up around me.  (Well, as close to giddy as I'm capable of getting right now when I'm feeling pretty crummy most all the time and fighting depression).  While I love winter and got some wonderful shots this past season, I love having color in my photos.  I also don't think it hurts that spring is still fairly new and I just haven't gotten bored with it yet.  Hopefully my readers aren't bored either!

I LOVE my little patch of violets, even if they grow out in our grass also.

I thought we'd lost the bleeding hearts twice, once when we had to pull out some dead evergreens near them, and then after a frost.  But here they are again.  They're such lovely (and hearty, in more ways than one) flowers.

Our maple trees are dropping flowers everywhere in our yard, and our steps to the deck are covered.

My purple irises are about to open up.  I always know Mother's Day is here when I see these blooms.

Our ash tree literally got leaves overnight; it did not look like this yesterday.

So that's my check-in in the midst of an exceptionally busy week.  I'll probably have to go silent now until this weekend.  I hope you all have a great week and have more downtime that I do!