Choosing My Course: Checking In

I had really been doing much better about posting regularly, but I've hit a snag. I know that my readers can only deal with so many posts about how I'm trying to deal with losing my dad; but unfortunately that's pretty much all I can think about. So my posting may continue to be a bit spotty for a little while. I'll be doing something and think, "the last time I did this my dad was still alive." Or I'll see or hear something that I know he would enjoy and think, "I can't ever share this with him." There is no one who will ever love me the exact same way my dad did, so that type of love is gone from my life forever. Of course I'm also dealing with regret and guilt that I didn't put my pride aside and try to nurture an even deeper relationship with my dad when I had a chance. While I knew intellectually that he could go at any time because he wasn't particularly healthy; I don't think I ever really believed that we would go this soon. I didn't lose my first grandparent until I was 27 years old, I guess I just expected to have both of my parents around for much longer. Luckily my mom is really healthy and we have a great relationship.
I'm hoping that I can start to figure out how to move forward better after this week. Tomorrow is the memorial service and it almost feels like I can't start healing until after that happens. I put together the slide show and my husband wrote a song that he's going to play while we watch the pictures. I wrote the eulogy which I have to deliver directly after the slide show (I'm not sure why my mom's pastor thought that would be a good order!) My mom wanted either my brother or me to deliver the eulogy, and my brother said no way would he able to do that because he'd be too much of a mess. It reminded me of the scene in Steel Magnolias where Sally Field's character says "men are supposed to be made of steel or something." I know I can do it; I'm sure I'll have to pause and take some deep breaths at times, and that there will be tears, but I can do it. Then the nursing home where my mom works and my dad had worked for a little while is hosting a memorial service on Friday. So maybe after that I can start healing and figuring out to move on from here.

On another note, I went for a walk this afternoon and took some pictures of all the spring sights around my neighborhood.

I'm not sure what type of bush this is, but I wish there was a way to capture smells and share them because it gives off the the most heavenly scent.