Happy Thanksgiving!

On this Thanksgiving holiday, I am thankful...

I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who has been my best friend and my partner for nearly 20 years, through good times and bad.
I'm thankful for our two beautiful, bright, healthy children who provide so much joy and light in our lives.
I'm thankful for all of our extended family who are always supportive and never overbearing.
I'm thankful for all my friends, near and far. Both the friends who I get to spend time with on a regular basis, and those who I keep up with on social media.
I'm thankful that we such an abundance of love and wonderful people in our lives.
I'm thankful for my new job which fits me like a glove, and all of my wonderful co-workers.
I'm thankful for our cozy home in a quiet neighborhood that keeps us warm and safe.
I'm thankful that my complaints fall into two categories: fairly inconsequential annoyances, or sadness for blessings that are no longer a part of my life. I am very fortunate that I rarely have to worry about life or death issues, unlike so many others in the world.
I'm thankful for the soft, beautiful snow that's falling on this Thanksgiving morning.
I'm thankful that I get to see my mom and my brother with his family today. I will still miss my dad at the holiday table, but that falls into the category of blessings that are no longer a part of my life; I'm grateful for the 40 years I had with him.
I'm thankful that I get to see my in-laws and my brother-in-law with his family tomorrow.
I'm thankful that my life is so full of blessings that I could make this list much, much longer.

I hope all of my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving and are feeling as blessed as I am today!

Strolling Down Memory Lane

I've mentioned before that my husband is off during the summer so he's currently doing projects around the house. His latest project is converting all of our old VHS home movies into a digital format. Yesterday evening I got to watch my wedding. Today I got to see excerpts from my now 14-year old daughter's first year of life. By the time my son was born we were exclusively on digital devices, so I've watched videos from his infancy from time-to-time, but this was the first time, probably since we made the recordings, that I've seen video of my daughter from that age.

It's almost magical to see ourselves as newlyweds and new parents again. We were so young and inexperienced back then. My daughter was the center of our family's universe. She was the first grandchild on both sides of the family, and the first great-grandchild for some of our grandparents. It was also very wonderful to see video of people who aren't with us any longer. I saw an aunt, an uncle, a grandfather, and a great-grandfather who have since died. We saw my husband's grandmother not only while she was still alive, but before the Alzheimer's had stolen much of her personality. But my very favorite was getting to see my Dad walk me down the aisle, and watching our easy interactions during my daughter's first birthday party.

My husband asked if it made me sad. I told him no, it actually reminded me of how wonderful our lives have been and made me feel very grateful. I've been feeling a little down lately, I think because I'm so tired (I do have a doctor's appointment on July 24th to do something about that). So it was exactly what I needed. I also a very productive half day at work today, so between the two I'm feeling much better now than I was this morning.

Grateful for Amazing People

I'm having some difficulty getting regular posts up this week. Between late nights at work, lack of sleep, and kid's activities, it's just not happening every evening. I saw this post on the Good News feed that I subscribe to (because I can't just always read the negative information in the news) about Mr. Rogers this week and really enjoyed it. I grew up watching Mr. Rogers, and to this day seeing a video of him makes me feel calm and protected. I realized as I was watching this clip that part of the reason I always felt such contentment watching his show is because he reminds me so much of my maternal grandfather.

I've written about him and my grandmother before. They were (still is in my grandmother's case) the most amazing people with so much love and strength. I often think about what my grandfather would think about me when I'm making choices about how to live my life. Would he be proud, or disappointed? I know that either way he'd still love me, but I would never want to disappoint him. He found ways to enjoy life and feel grateful despite losing the ability to move anything below his neck, even though he was a farmer. I still feel a profound loss since he's been gone. I loved visiting my grandparents on their farm when I was little. I don't enjoy it as much since he's been gone. It's too quiet without the sound of his respirator, or his bed rocking at night. While I still love to see my grandmother, it just isn't the same experience as when I was little.

My grandpa being silly

My grandpa and his dad, another great guy who lived to be 102

My grandparent's farm

My grandpa wearing his respirator and hanging out with my little brother

The world lost a couple of wonderful people within two years of each other. Only a small community was aware of a great man departing when my grandfather died in 2001. Nearly everyone in America (and probably in a couple of other countries) knew about it when Fred Rogers died in 2003. I'm so lucky that both men touched my life, one directly and one indirectly.

I think we're finally going to start thawing out here. It's been weird in Colorado to have several gray days and snow sticking around for a couple of weeks. It's made for some amazing icicles though, and the rabbits have clearly been having a party in our yard.

This morning before the sun was out

Sparkling in the afternoon sun

This is in the front which has gotten some sun so there isn't much snow left

Weekly Progress Report #6 and Some Random Thoughts

I'm going to start off this week by saying that we are having the most beautiful weather right now. I love winter and snow, but since that's not what we're getting right now, I'm just enjoying the fact that I can walk outside in a short-sleeved shirt at the moment.

The moon this morning

The sky was such a lovely shade of blue this morning

Friday afternoon's bright sunshine

The moon last Thursday morning (edited)

Weight:  142.7 pounds
Weight Change:  - 1.7 pounds

As well as counting calories worked for me in the past, I haven't been able to recapture that success again. So I'm trying a different approach since this hasn't been working. I'm no longer strictly watching what I eat, I'm just trying to be sensible. I'm eating when I'm hungry and trying to eat a reasonable amount of things that I know are good for me. However, when I'm really in the mood for something that isn't good for me, I'm not denying myself because that just makes me want it more. So I'm still "indulging" in moderation. It seems to have worked for me this week. I imagine that it will take longer to lose weight using this approach, but I'm hoping that it'll be steadier and easier to maintain long-term. It doesn't feel so much like I'm depriving myself, so I don't feel the urge to binge so much. I'll let you know if it keeps working.

My husband I watched an incredibly disturbing documentary last night. It was called Dreams of Life, about a woman in London who died right before Christmas in 2003, and wasn't discovered until three years later. It was this perfect confluence of circumstances which allowed her to basically disappear off the radar without anyone realizing it. She didn't stay in regular contact with her family, she was in and out of her friends' lives, she wasn't holding a steady job, and she was getting housing assistance so her landlord didn't get antsy about the rent sooner. The weird things were that her television remained on for 3 years (I can't believe the utility company didn't shut her off), and one of her neighbors in a nearby flat said he had smelled something weird, but never bothered to report it. She was only 38 years old, and by the time she was discovered, too much decomposition had occurred to determine the cause of death. Though no foul play was suspected because her deadbolt and chain were on the door and they had to break in when they finally found her.

I just can't imagine being that alone in life. It made me feel extremely grateful for my family and friends, and my stable (if boring) life.

Perspective

Sometimes I think that contentment just isn't in our nature as humans (or maybe it's just not in mine).  We seem to always be in pursuit of happiness rather than being grateful for what we have.  Over Christmas vacation I read The Book Thief and The Storyteller.  I didn't set out to read two books about the holocaust in a row; those had both been loaned to me and I was trying to get them read in order to return them.  I read about starvation, death, torture, and deplorable living conditions.  We've also been rewatching Frontier House with the kids and these people worked all the time.  Laundry day literally meant the entire day was spent doing laundry.  It's all made me realize how wondrous our lives really are, and how much there is to feel grateful for.

• I have plenty to eat (too much actually).
• I can always get warm, which was really brought home to me this past Monday morning when it was 2 degrees and I was walking to work downtown past people sleeping outside.  
• My family is safe and secure.  
• There is a creek behind our house and open space that surrounds our suburban home with nature.
• I have a lovely view of the Flatirons out my kitchen window as I do dishes.
• I have a job where I get sick time, vacation, and holidays off with pay, and where I get weekends off with my family.  I get to do work that I enjoy and at which I excel.  I make enough to support my family.  I know not everyone is so fortunate.
• I had all four of my grandparents until shortly after I became a mother.  My kids are already down one.
• We saw this spectacular sunset from our back deck last night.

I know that I have it so much easier than so many others, and I feel pretty small when I whine about the fact that someone spoke unkindly to me, or that I had to work through lunch.  So maybe it is helpful to read and watch shows about people who aren't as fortunate as me.  Maybe that will help me to have the proper perspective and to keep my frustrations in check.

On another note, I've made it through day three eating the proper amount of calories.  The scale is inching down each morning.  We even had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory today because it was one of my coworker's birthdays.  They have a new "Skinnylicious" menu that had some really interesting choices.  I was able to get chicken enchiladas that came with the most wonderful steamed veggies (there was some kind of spice on them), all for about 590 calories.  Not bad for a restaurant meal.

I am Fortunate

I heard some wonderful and relaxing sounds on my walk this morning.

• Coyotes howling and yipping
• Insects singing
• A distant train whistle

I spend a great deal of time worrying about how I want my life to be different.  The big change that I want is to work part-time and/or from home so I have more time for my family.  This is particularly important to me because I have a challenging child.  But some things have happened recently to remind me how truly fortunate I am.

I have a professional job that supports my family and where I can use my skills to contribute to something larger than myself.  I get vacation time, sick time, and paid holidays.  I know that many other people fight to get enough hours to pay the bills and have to go to work even when they're sick.

My son is very challenging, but I'm so very lucky to have two healthy, bright, beautiful children.  I'm also extraordinarily lucky to have a partner to help me with this, and everything else.  My husband still loves me after 15 years of marriage and is still willing to stand by my side.  He even still finds me attractive, though I do not look like I did when I was 25 including carrying a few extra pounds.  Some of my friends who are dealing with challenging children are doing it basically alone, even some of them who are married.

While I live in suburbia, thanks to the creek that runs behind our house right into the rather extensive nearby open space, I still get to experience nature.  I think my soul would shrivel up and die if I wasn't around green and growing things on a regular basis (Las Vegas has never been very fun for me), so I am really fortunate to be able to see trees and plants every day.

For anyone who writes, I'm sure this experience will resonate:  I write the most wonderfully brilliant things in my head when I'm walking and showering.  Then by the time I can get in and sit down at a computer, the writing just doesn't flow as well, the words don't come as easily.  So this post sounded even better this morning, but at least I still got it down to share with others.

Another Course Correction

I was MIA this weekend and yesterday because of how busy my life has been.  Or really that's just an excuse, because I could have made the time, but I used every spare minute that I had to read The Queen of Bedlam.  It's one of those books that I had a really hard time starting as it's obviously written for a male audience (my brother recommended it to me), but once it took off I couldn't put it down.  So I read instead of writing.

I'm back today now that I've finished the book to share another required course correction.  In my quest to make choices that add up the best possible version of me, I've decided that I need to work on few things and set a few goals.

• I want to weigh 125 pounds by Halloween.  I'm going to start posting my weekly chart again this weekend to hold myself accountable to myself and my readers.
• I want to focus on the positives in my life and be more grateful for all that I have.  I especially want to be more positive at work, which has always been the toughest place for me to maintain a positive attitude.
• I want to make more of an effort to connect with my friends.  My kids won't always be at home, and I'm going to be awfully lonely someday if I haven't made an effort to have a life outside of my immediate family.

Work was somewhat challenging again today and I'm emotionally worn out.  I know that it doesn't matter what I think other people should do and that I need to live in reality.  I just wish people would understand that if we all spent time working together instead of at cross-purposes or just trying to get out of as much work as possible; we'd be so much more successful.  We'd also probably all feel better and have more energy.  But some people seem bound and determined to expend all of their energy on avoiding work, which could have been accomplished in the time they spent trying to foist it off to someone else.  Clearly my second bullet point above is going to be the most challenging item.

I'm pretty sad about Robin Williams.  This celebrity death has definitely hit me harder than any other.  I think it's because I grew up watching him and he's not that old.  I imagine that I'll experience this more and more as I continue to age.  I'm especially sad because he wasn't able to get the help he needed to fight his own demons.  Accidents and illnesses are tough to deal with, but suicide is hard to get my head around.  I don't like to think of any other human being feeling so alone and lost.  It's just a reminder that we don't always know what's happening on the inside, and we should all try to be as kind as loving as possible.