Aging, Injuries, Yearning, and Skunks

I haven't been posting much here lately (or on any social media platform) because I've been struggling with life of late. I'm finding parenting teenagers to be more challenging than the younger years. The thing is, I have very clear memories of the way I felt at that age, so I fully understand where my kids are coming from. But that doesn't change the fact that it's extremely frustrating to know what is best for my children and have them refuse to hear me. I want to be a good mother, but feel like I frequently fall short of that goal, so I've been feeling pretty low. But I'm working on it, and trying to remember that I need to be a good role model so I have to overcome those feelings.

I still haven't finished losing the last 5 - 6 pounds that I need to shed in order to reach my final goal weight, but the good news is that I haven't put any weight back on in the interim. The team of co-workers that worked together to lose the weight is about ready to do a final push, so hopefully it'll take less than a month to lose those last few pounds once I get serious again.

I had a fitness goal that I thought would really help to keep me motivated. My cousin and his family come out to visit us every summer, and my cousin's wife asked me to run in a 4-mile race with her in August. I was excited to bump up my training for it and have it as a new goal...until I got shin splints!! I've never had them before, and am feeling really old now. It's been slow to heal, I think primarily because it's my left leg and I'm an idiot and drive a manual transmission vehicle. When I picked out my truck I thought it would be so fun to drive (and it is) and that it would be a good skill to teach my kids. But my daughter has zero interest so just isn't motivated to learn to drive it. I think if she was in an emergency she could do it, but she's not smooth because she doesn't want to drive it very often. So the upshot is that I made a frivolous choice and now I get to pay for it. Sigh...

This morning I went on a walk/jog (since I can't run right now) and desperately wished I had my camera and tripod with me. The eastern sky was just beautiful with the sliver of the moon and Venus lighting up the morning. I knew there was no point in trying to capture it with my cell phone because it would have just been blurs of light against a dark background. I was motivated to move pretty quickly though when I was almost home. I was jogging down the path in the final 100 feet to my house when I heard a sound and a noticed a slight movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked and realized I was rapidly approaching a skunk just off the path who was looking pretty bristly and nervous. I turned around and ran back up the path at a very good clip and took the long way home. Since this is now the third time I've seen the skunk this summer, I think I may need to run to Costco and stock up on tomato juice just in case.

Working on Positivity

Phone camera photo of a Rose of Sharon bush I saw while walking with my daughter this week.

I've spent this past week really making an effort to choose to be positive and get myself into a healthier and more productive head space. I know this is like choosing the proper diet which means changing the way you eat for the rest of your life, and so it will be on ongoing and continual work-in-progress. I do feel good about how this week has gone; I really feel like I’m making some progress in dealing more appropriately and effectively with my stress, and in being more positive in general. Interestingly one of my more difficult work colleagues was even easier to deal with this week, probably because I approached interactions differently.

Sometimes it feels like there's a message that the universe it trying to get across to me. Or maybe it's just that I notice these things because I'm in the proper mindset? At any rate, I was recently watching an episode of Supernatural (please don't judge my temporary escape and penchant for eye-candy) and heard a Samuel Johnson quote that really made me stop and think about how negative I'd allowed myself to become lately: "Of the blessings set before you make your choice, and be content." I have made choices that have led me to where I am today. While there are some things that I would do differently if I had it to over again (so it's probably a good thing I can't do it over again), those choices led me to my husband and my family, and I wouldn't ever want to change that. So I've been working on appreciating all of the blessings that I do have in my life and trying to approach difficult issues with more patience.

I also read several articles/blog posts and watched a video about choosing to be happy that I am really trying to incorporate into my daily life. I love reading the Zen Habits blog because the main thrust behind the blog is that we should be content with who we are and what we have, and always work to do and be even better. This particular post talked about giving up on the idea of perfection and instead trying to make sure that every day counts. Lifehacker recently ran an article about choosing to be happy and kind in the face of rude behavior.

I watched an interesting video about choosing to be happy on Huffington Post's Good News site, which sounds like it might be part of a series. If you're like me and don't have time to watch videos and prefer to read, here's a synopsis of the main points in the video: There are three words that were identified that we should avoid using because they hinder our happiness.

1. Instead of using "overwhelmed" use "wanted", "in-demand", or "valued."
2. Use "and" instead of "but" to keep the conversation open instead of closing it off. This is one I've known about for a long time and do try to watch.
3. Instead of talking about what we "hate," focus on what we like and enjoy.

I believe I've previously written about a management training class that I once attended where the presenter talked about control and how we should think about interactions to remain positive. He reminded us that we can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves. He sort of blew my mind that day when he said that are actually two things about ourselves we can control in any interaction.

1. How we choose to mentally frame an interaction in our minds.
2. How we choose to respond to that interaction based on our mental framing.

I'd always heard that we choose our reactions, and hearing that first item really helps me to remember to slow down and stop assuming the worst of intentions from others. I know that when I'm stressed, worried, or just generally having a bad day I'm not as nice and I give myself some slack. It helps when dealing with a difficult interaction to think that maybe this other person is having a hard time and the bad treatment isn't personal so I give them some slack.

Obviously I don't have this all figured out, and I know I'll continue to have moments where I totally fail at choosing to be positive. I am making an effort now though to address this issue which is deeply ingrained from my dad's side of the family so is probably both nature and nurture that I'm working against here. The important thing is not giving up and always trying to be the best version of myself that I can be.

On a tangentially related note, I think I may have found a new motivation to lose weight. For the longest time I just really wanted to be thin. Lately I’ve been wanting to be healthy and strong more than just thin. Last night I tried out the pull-up bar that my husband recently installed, and while I had to use a chair because I couldn’t lift my full weight, I still did a pretty decent job. I think I really am getting fitter and stronger. Now if I can manage to lose some weight, I can expose the muscles I've been building and make pull-ups and push-ups easier on myself and more effective. Which would hopefully lead me into a cycle of getting even stronger. So we'll see if this new motivation helps me to stick to my eating plan any better!

MIA Checkin

I realize I've been kind of MIA this week. With my husband and son being out of town, I've been spending every free moment hanging out with my daughter so haven't really had time to write. I also don't have much to say right now, well, I don't have much to say out loud anyway. I'm saying plenty in my own head, but it's kind of dark at the moment and not really something that anyone else would want to hear.

I thought that maybe I'd sleep better this week with our king-sized bed all to myself, but no such luck. I have, however, been able to toss and turn with impunity and without regard for anyone else. I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon about sleeping pills. I'll probably restrict myself to no more than once or twice per week, but I'm hoping that occasionally being able to sleep through the night will really start to make a difference in my energy level.

I took today off from work since it's my last day alone with my daughter, and slept in (well, after waking up early and forcing myself to stay in bed longer). So when I got up, the sun was already up and it was already kind of hot outside. Instead of going outside for my morning workout, I used our recently inherited treadmill in our reorganized basement which now contains all of our workout equipment. Our weights, exercise balls, yoga mats, etc. used to be scattered throughout several rooms in the house and we had to gather what we needed prior to starting a workout. This new arrangement is so much easier, and makes the house look nicer also. We got the treadmill after my husband's grandmother took a spill and broke her leg and some ribs. She's recovering beautifully and has already moved into her new senior apartment, but she couldn't use the treadmill any longer so gave it to us.

My eating has been...acceptable this week. Acceptable meaning I'm not gaining any weight. However, I'm still eating too many calories to lose weight. This is why my thoughts have been so dark of late, and why I haven't felt like posting as much. I just can't seem to get this figured out. I just don't have any motivating thoughts worth sharing.

As far as the future, I'm looking forward to seeing my husband and son again this evening. I will probably have a hard time posting next week also because my cousin and his family are coming for a visit. We always have such a nice time visiting when they're here, so maybe the following week I'll be in a better head space and have the time to post more regularly.

Working Late

I had to work late today so I only have time for a quick check-in with some random thoughts.

This morning my drive to work (well, the bus stop) was simply lovely. The green trees bracketed a pale orange sky to the east. To the west, the front range mountains were blue with the white snow-capped peaks in the back in front of a pink sky. I wanted so badly to stop and take some pictures, but once again my job interfered with my hobby!

These pictures are from a walk I took with my husband last night. While I'd like to slow time down and keep my children smaller for a longer time, there is something to be said for them reaching an age where my husband and I can leave them at home and go for a walk.

I started doing Pilates back in the late 90s. I still occasionally do the mat routine because it's such a great abs workout. The thing I really appreciate about it is how it's taught me to hold my abdominal muscles when I'm doing any type of exercise. I think I get a better core workout using those techniques when I'm doing anything now, even bicep curls or walking.

Food Issues and Exciting Week

Yesterday I had what Suzanne Collins referred to as a "hollow day" in The Hunger Games book. The past couple of weeks I had been very dedicated and motivated to eat the proper amount of food to lose weight. I'm not sure why, but yesterday it just felt so much harder. Instead of feeling mild hunger and just ignoring it, I was feeling mild hunger and wanted to feed it...a lot of food. I managed not to give in all day even though I was working from home and food was readily available. But then we took my daughter out to dinner for her restaurant birthday dinner (yes, lots of activities in my family revolve around food, which is part of the problem), and I totally fell off the wagon. But I'm jumping right back on today.

Although I know that it's normal for weight loss to plateau for awhile, it's still hard to keep myself motivated when I'm not seeing movement on the scale. When the numbers go down each morning, it's like success feeds itself, but it takes a different level of self control when the numbers stop moving for several days. I know that I could very easily give up again right now; it's happened several times over the last couple of years. I've put in too much work to just throw it all out the window again. So today I'm eating the proper number of calories again.

We have a very exciting week planned out. Last night my husband and I bought new bikes (which is why I didn't post last night).

Close up of the color

We'd been planning on making this purchase for quite some time and had saved our pennies up. My husband just fell in love with a bright orange bike, although it's not a color to which he normally gravitates. I was having a harder time picking out my bike. I knew that I wanted a cruiser because I just don't enjoy riding the sports bikes where I'm bent over the handlebars as much. But most of  the cruisers were really girly with flowers everywhere. While I do love flowers, I don't like them on my modes of transportation. Then I saw this sage green bike that just had a nice, subdued paint job. I rode it around and decided this was the bike for me. It's only a 7-speed, but I knew I'd use it more if it wasn't too complicated to ride or maintain. Tonight we're planning on taking a family bike ride and my son is super excited as he loves riding his bike.

Thursday night we're taking our daughter to see The Breakfast Club in the theater. She loves this movie and we're treating her to special night alone with mom and dad. My son will be spending the evening with his grandparents and will get plenty of pampering himself. Then on Friday night my daughter and I are going to see Cinderella with my mom, mother-in-law, aunt, and sister-in-law.

My mom likes to have "girls night out" and she's been trying to organize one for ages. We were just never able to firm anything up and didn't fit it into the schedule. So when everyone was over on Sunday for my daughter's family birthday party and my sister-in-law mentioned that she really wanted to see Cinderella, we finally made a plan and set a date.

Lots of fun going on this week while the kids don't have school or homework! I just hope that the weather continues to cooperate with all of our plans since snow is forecast again for tomorrow.