Workout Weather

We've had some wonderful weather lately for workouts.  On Wednesday morning when I awoke it was raining, but I decided I was going out anyway.  By the time I got home, my rain jacket was so wet that I had to toss it in the dryer while I showered so I'd have it for work.  Yesterday I did weights so I didn't have to worry about the weather.  This morning I did walk/jog intervals in weather so cold that I had to wear a hat and gloves.  But it was beautiful.  It was overcast so there wasn't much light, and there were tendrils of mist that I got to move through.  That may not sound like anyone else's idea of beautiful, but it's rare weather for my neck of the woods, so it was very enjoyable.

I think what I enjoy most about this weather is the cooler temperatures.  It's so nice to go out for a walk and not come back covered in sweat.  I just feel like I have more energy and can keep going for longer when it's not so hot.  So it's pretty exciting that we're getting into that time of year when it will be "workout weather" more and more often.  We had snow in the forecast for this morning, but it didn't happen at my altitude, it sounds like just about 1,000 more feet and we would have had some too.  But it probably would have made me more likely to slip and fall, so maybe I should be grateful for the cool air and mist!  The forecast high for Sunday is 85 degrees Fahrenheit, so we're not yet to the time of year where this is permanent, but it's nice to see it begin to visit.

For now it's cool enough that I'm going to enjoy a nice cup of hot tea in this fabulous literary quote mug my kids got me for Christmas last year.

The Struggle

I've had a rough go of it lately.  Work has been extra difficult, and my son has reverted to all of his old behaviors over the last week.  I've been falling apart and have felt emotionally broken.  But I'm working on it.  I'm making an effort to control my responses, and to do positive things, especially for others.  I have managed to eat really well for the past three days.  I don't know if it's because I'm lacking the energy to do anything else, or if it's because that is one area that I control, and it makes me feel better to eat right.  Whatever the reason, I'm embracing this healthy eating, and my scale is moving in the right direction again.

I thought if I just made an effort to be positive I could take care of this malaise myself; but I just don't have the reserves to remain positive all day at work and all evening at home when I feel like I'm being worn down both places.  So I will be calling my company's EAP to find a counselor.  I don't really want to add anything else to my do list that cuts into my limited time.  Although there comes a time when it's time to admit that I need outside expertise because I simply don't have the answers.

Today was actually a bit better, it's a very cold and gloomy day here, and maybe no one else had the energy to cause problems today.  It might snow overnight tonight, which makes me very excited.  We'll be heading up to the mountains tomorrow evening to go and spread my dad's ashes on Saturday morning.  I'm sure the loss of my father this past spring is part of the reason I've been struggling so much lately, so I'm hoping this symbolic act will be another piece in the closure puzzle.

Rain on the roses

Red leaves, fall is in the air

Fall chrysanthemums

Fall chrysanthemums

Rain on a fallen leaf

Heart-Warming Story

In my effort to be more positive and react with more equanimity to events beyond my control, I'm making an effort to focus more on the positive things in my life and less on the bothersome aspects.  I had also made a commitment to spend more time with my friends since I've become somewhat of a hermit.  (I made a comment to my brother and his wife that I'm becoming more agoraphobic as I get older, and my brother said he was too, and his wife heartily agreed with that assessment.  Maybe it's genetic?  I'm also worried that I'm becoming more misanthropic, so I'm trying to spend more time in social situations.)  So yesterday I had lunch with a former coworker and really enjoyed myself.  I also feel inclined to share her story because it's so amazing.

She had cancer in her early twenties and really thought she was going to die for awhile.  But after several rounds of chemo-therapy and some female surgeries, her cancer went into remission.  Of course she was left with the knowledge that the cancer could come back at any time, and that she'd never be able to have children.  She recently had a job as a consultant and was traveling from Denver to New York City usually 3 weeks out of the month, where she would work 16-hour days most days.  She was feeling really crummy and at first chalked it up to being tired from her long hours and travel.  But it wasn't getting better and she started to fear that her cancer was back.  With her schedule being what it was, she never made time to go and see the doctor.

Her long-term boyfriend proposed to her, and when she accepted he told her he was committed to her, and needed her to go see the doctor so they could figure out together how to move forward.  They did some tests at the doctor's office and told her that her cancer was still in remission, and the reason she was feeling so lousy was because she was pregnant.  She told them that wasn't possible and something was obviously wrong with the tests.  So they did an ultrasound, and sure enough, there was a little heartbeat.  She's now married, a very proud momma to a beautiful 4-month old baby girl, and perfectly healthy.

So often these situations don't turn out like this, but this time everything worked out and my friend is healthy and happier than she's ever been.  She had resigned herself to a life without children, so the news took some getting used to, but now that she's become a mother she couldn't imagine life without her little one.  There really are good things that happen in this world, and because there are also so many bad things that happen, it's especially important to celebrate these types of positive events.

Trying to Do Better

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was in such a bad place mentally that I didn't have anything positive or productive to contribute to a conversation.  I'm trying to do better than that and be responsible for my own reactions to external stimuli.  I think I did pretty well today, both with the way I chose to react and, probably as a result of that, with the way I ate today.

I'll write more about my plan for continued improvement in the next few days, but for tonight I need to try to get some rest.  The last couple of nights have been particularly bad and I've only had about 7 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.  In the meantime, here are a few photos that I took.

Late blooms on the rosebush

The harvest moon last night at about midnight (when I wasn't sleeping)

Another shot of the moon with clouds moving in front of it

Weekly Weigh-In #5

Ugh!  I had a terrible weekend as far as eating goes.  I actually purposefully stress ate.  Everything sort of crashed and burned last Friday afternoon, and I decided that I had to do something to find a little bit of pleasure out of life, so I chose food.  And my weight is up to 140 pounds.  This is the highest it's been in over 3 years, and a real problem.  My clothes are way too tight to be comfortable right now, and my energy levels are severely dropping.  I have got to start moving this in the right direction.

I wrote a rather extensive post about my son at one point.  Lately he's been doing so much better, but this past week he basically reverted to all of his old ways, and Friday afternoon we had a horrible fight, which left me feeling like a worthless parent who can't manage my child or myself.  I also had tea with my mom on Friday since it was my dad's first birthday since his death.  My mom is still not handling it very well, and I'm not sure how to best support her.  Especially since I really want to heal and move on, and not keep rehashing this.  I also discovered in the conversation with my mom that someone close to us is currently doing something that I find morally repulsive.  So all of that on top of the fact that I think I'm dealing with a mid-life crisis just sent me over the edge emotionally.  Which is why I turned to food and a quick fix.

I wrote on Friday that I did a yoga workout, and I don't like to do yoga because I'm not even remotely flexible, but that I like the way my body feels after I do yoga.  The opposite is true of food:  I like the way I feel when I'm eating it, but I don't like the way I feel after I eat.  The big difference between the two is that if I just make myself spend the 20 to 45 minutes doing a workout, I know I'll feel good afterward.  But I have to deny myself food that I enjoy all day long.  I know that I need to approach food from a different mental place.  I also know that I need to figure out a healthier way to deal with the stress in my life.  If anyone has any helpful suggestions, I'm open to hearing them.  Because obviously I'm not figuring this out on my own at the moment.

We have had some really pretty skies lately due to storms rolling through.  I guess it's important to find something good to focus on!

Friday Reflections

My workout this morning did not go as planned.  I was super exhausted after another night of not being able to sleep, even though it was raining and cooler which should have helped.  When the alarm went off at 4:15 I seriously thought about shutting it off and just going back to sleep.  But I knew that if I started allowing myself to make an exception for one day, it would just lead to another, and another, and pretty soon I wouldn't be working out anymore.  So I got up and remembered my resolution to go for a walk if I felt too tired to do anything else.  But then I realized it was still raining, which is unusual for Colorado, and made going for a walk prohibitive.  I still could have gone, but I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to soak all of my clothes.

I tried to think about what else I could do in the house that wouldn't be too difficult given my state of exhaustion.  I decided to do a yoga session.  I don't actually like doing yoga because I'm very inflexible, but I like the way I feel after I've completed the workout.  It's sort of energizing and it's always a good muscle workout.  So I managed to get a decent workout in this morning after all.

Yesterday evening was rather challenging due to my son's homework load.  He had a Scholastic News Reader, 3 math sheets (2 were supposed to be completed in class), and a letter to write to his teacher about another math sheet that he had completed but never turned in.  Not only was the amount of homework somewhat extreme, but he was pretty belligerent and so everything was taking longer than it should have.  I didn't handle him particularly well and felt like a pretty poor mother.  Which I'm sure contributed to inability to sleep last night.  I guess it's good that we get more than one chance to do this parenting thing right.

Today on the way home from work one of my favorite radio stations was doing a throw-back lunch hour.  All the songs they were playing were from my college years, and it made me feel very happy.  College was the most fun I've ever had.  Parenting is more rewarding than attending college was, but most of the time it's not more fun.  So I was enjoying the memories that those songs were dredging up of exploration and learning, both in the academic sense and in figuring out who I was going to be as an adult.

Today is my dad's birthday, the first one since his death.  He would have been 68 today had he survived.  It's still hard to believe he's gone, but I guess I am healing as I can go several days without tearing up now.  I'm meeting my mom for coffee this afternoon so we can have a little time to remember him.  I think it's probably still harder for her than it is for me since he was her daily companion and as an adult I only saw my dad about once every other week.

My husband and I have a date night planned for tomorrow evening, I'm very excited to get to spend some time as a couple.  He informed me last weekend that it had been 99 days since our last date night, so we were due.  I hope everyone else has a wonderful weekend during this time of transition from summer to fall!

I think we're also going to need to pick cherries this weekend.

Choosing to Choose

So...yesterday I was super whiny, and I don't even like whining!  I feel like I haven't been choosing anything about my course lately, but just riding along on the whims of outside forces.  Although I guess that's still a choice that I'm making, to abdicate responsibility for my own choices.

We did decide to cut out the visit with the great aunts last night as after we got home from work we had a doctor's appointment for one child, piano lessons for both, both kids had massive amounts of homework, and my husband had band practice.  We just had to say no to something because there are only so many hours in the day.  Every day I feel more in awe of my mother.  She worked full-time; went to school; took care of 2 kids, all the house responsibilities, and my dad (who was more work than my brother and me combined).  I don't know how she did it.  She still has more energy than I do and she's 64 years old now.

Last night when we were discussing how we were going to fit everything in tonight, I decided that I was working from home today.  That way my son could walk home from school and get started on his homework earlier.  It wasn't really a day I was scheduled to work from home, but many of those days have been eaten up with meetings recently, so I didn't feel too bad about adding an extra one (or I could say replacing one of the lost days).  It just makes everything so much easier when I can cut out the nearly 2-hour daily commute to and from work.  Plus, I'm more productive when I'm working at home and not dealing with constant interruptions.

What this really boils down to is that I need to spend some more time thinking about how I can make different choices so that I don't always feel so overwhelmed.  I can't stop there though, I've got to then execute on those choices.  Because ever since my daughter was born over 13 years ago, I've felt overwhelmed and like there isn't enough time to fit everything in, and that I'm not actually spending time on the high-value items.  I need to identify my definition of success, and figure out which activities will contribute to that vision and end-state.

So I promise fewer whining posts and more posts about how I'm making better choices, which I hope will help give others some ideas also.  Because if I can't help someone else to start thinking, there's really no reason for all this navel gazing!

Since I was working from home today I walked my son to school and was able to get a few pictures (on my phone of course).

Dragonfly

Grapes