Weekly Progress Report #15

Weight: 140.1 pounds

Weight Change: -1.4 pounds

For some reason when I weighed myself this morning I was feeling all disappointed and frustrated. I thought I hadn't made any progress this week after being really conscientious all week. I did eat more than I should have Friday at lunch, but that was the only time I strayed from the proper number of calories during the week. Then I realized that I did make some progress this week after all. So I'm feeling a little better now.

I think my issue was that on Thursday morning when I stood on the scale I had finally (just barely) broken 140 pounds. It said 139.8 pounds. Then it went back up 3/10ths of a pound, and stayed there for three days. Even though I was really good on Thursday when we had to get dinner out and got a salad and didn't even use the dressing. Last night we ate dinner at my in-laws because my husband's aunt is in town visiting. I kept having to decline offers of more food or wine from my father-in-law, who told me I "ate like a bird" last night. He means well, but it's frustrating when it's already hard for me to eat right and then I have to "hurt his feelings." My mother-in-law is more supportive and tries to keep him in check. I was hoping with all of those proper but difficult choices I would have seen some movement again. But I guess I still did make some progress this week, so I should be happy with that.

I really need to make some real progress over the next couple of weeks because my husband wants to start shopping for our Ireland trip, and I don't want to shop at this weight.

We've experiencing a pretty windy day here today, so our beautiful flowering trees aren't looking quite as lovely as they did. However, the rain of white and pink petals has been really gorgeous. I love this time of year!

A Gaggle of Giggling Girls

I've been transporting 14-year old girls around this evening. Here's an actual quote, "scientifically speaking, if you have a crush on someone for longer than four months, then technically you're in love with them." I had to bite my cheek pretty hard on that one not to laugh out loud. Then I think the girls forgot I was in the car with them and I heard a couple of choice words. My daughter asked, "you know we cuss at school right, Mom? You're not one of those oblivious parents are you?"

Ah, teenagers!

I hope you all have a nice Friday.

Mind Games

I've written here before about how easy it was for me to stay motivated the first time I lost weight back in 2011. I counted every calorie and never cheated, and was able to lose 35+ pounds in under four months. While I knew intellectually that losing weight wouldn't solve all of my problems, I think there was still an emotional part of me that thought it would indeed be a panacea for everything that ailed me. Because that emotional part of me now knows the bitter truth, I've slowly put weight back on and have really been struggling to lose weight again. I'll do a really good job counting my calories for about a week, then something will happen on the weekend and I'll totally derail myself again.

Since about mid-March I've been better. I haven't stayed 100% on track, but I haven't done a full reversal either. In order to really stay on track, I've started playing mind games with myself; and for the moment at least, I seem to be winning. I can't help but think of one of the quotes from the book, Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. (I miss reading bedtime stories to my kiddos).

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

I've been doing/thinking several things lately that are helping me to stay on track a little longer-term.

• I was looking through the L.L. Bean catalog that arrived in the mail and I thought a few of the clothes were kind of cute. If you've been reading for awhile, you know that I HATE clothes shopping. So as I looked through the catalog I reminded myself how much easier it is to buy clothes when I'm thin. Right now I don't know if things will look alright on me or not, so I have to go to the store and try them on. When I'm thinner, I can just look at something and decide I like it and then buy it. Because it doesn't have to help me to hide anything. So the catalog was helping me to feel motivated to eat right.
• When we went snowshoeing this year I couldn't even fasten my snow pants. The desire to be able to fit into the clothing and gear that I currently own (since again, I HATE shopping) is helping me to stay focused. I even put together this side-by-side picture of myself to remind myself not only that I look and feel better when I'm thinner, but that I can indeed lose weight.

• I get up at 4:15 in the morning to work out. I enjoy working out, and this isn't something that I ever miss. But I HATE getting up at 4:15 in the morning. It still feels like the middle of the night to me, and of course that time of morning is generally when I sleep best. While my workout should probably be enough of a motivation to get up, I've decided that it's also easier to get up when I see positive movement on the scale. So if I control my food and start losing weight, it's like getting a treat of a reminder of success when I stand on the scale first thing in the morning.

I wish I could just lose weight and not have to "trick" myself into winning this game that I'm playing against myself. But for whatever reason, it's not to be. So mind games it is. At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to finally get my weight, and by extension my health, back under control.

More Spring Scenes

My son went for a walk with me this afternoon where I was able to capture some more images of our lovely spring.

Ground cover

Tulip garden

Apple tree

Dark purple lilacs about to bloom

Holly flowers

This picture out the front window was from last night at about 11:00 when I couldn't sleep. I walked into our front room and the moon was lighting up the whole room.

Spring Photos

I'm an emotional wreck right now. I'm tearing up at the drop of a hat (and I'm generally not much of a crier). I think the issue is two-fold: 1) the first anniversary of my dad's death; and 2) the fact that I don't feel like I'm living 100% in compliance with my values and my definition of success. I guess I have some self-reflecting that I need to do. Thankfully I worked from home today so I was able to go for a walk at lunch time.

I wish I could share the sounds and smells of my walk as well as the sights. There was water running over the rocks in the creek. There were birds calling and bees buzzing. The flowers on some of the trees smelled so incredibly lovely. Getting outside in nature has always helped me to feel better, and I miss my job across from the open space overlooking the Flatirons and with meadowlarks singing. Walking around downtown just increases my stress and anxiety. Maybe that's one of the things I need to address. But for today, I'll just share some nice photos of spring.

Here are a few more pictures from Easter Sunday.

Violets in my mom's yard

Hyacinth in my mother-in-law's yard

Tulip in my mother-in-law's yard, edited to highlight the purple color

Easter eggs my kids colored

Here are the pictures from my lunch hour walk.

The crab apple tree on the creek is blooming.

This apple tree in my neighbor's front yard is blooming and smells wonderful. I think the bees agreed with me as they were buzzing past my head the whole time I was taking pictures.

The lilac bush in another neighbor's yard is already blooming. This is the biggest lilac shrub around, and it's the earliest to bloom.

 

Tulips

The trees on the creek are taking on their spring green haze

 I'll probably share some more of my thoughts on my emotional angst soon, but I need to get my own head wrapped around my feelings before I can really discuss them.

Weekly Progress Report #14

Happy Easter!

The Easter bunny brought my kids Reester bunnies this year. Luckily he also brought small Reese's peanut butter cups so mom doesn't have to sneak nibbles off the big bunnies.

Weight: 141.5

Weight Change:  0.0

I had to extend my time to lose weight since I've stalled the last couple of weeks. But at least I'm not going back up too much right now.

I haven't written much lately because I've been feeling very melancholy. I was struggling to understand what the problem was when I had a duh moment this morning. The 1-year anniversary of my father's death is next Saturday, and we celebrated Easter one week after he died last year. Of course I'm struggling right now and not feeling very cheerful. I need to give myself a little leeway for the time to experience whatever emotions I need to experience.

I hope all of you who celebrate Easter have a nice day today with family and friends.

Continuing Sleep Struggles

I'm continuing to have issues getting a decent amount of sleep each night. I did try coloring when I awoke at 1:00 on Tuesday night (I guess technically that's Wednesday morning) and couldn't go back to sleep. I was able to get back into bed and fall asleep within 10 to 15 minutes after coloring for about 20 minutes. Last night I thought I had a good chance of getting some solid rest. I got the kids ready for bed, read an article in my Discover magazine, and did some relaxing yoga stretches. I went to bed a little after 8:30 (I get up at 4:15) and fell asleep pretty quickly. 

Shortly after 9:00 my husband came home. The garage door went up, then down. He was good about closing the bathroom door while he brushed his teeth, but then when he came over to the bed, he was noisy! His plethora of electronics had multiple alarms going off and he kept bumping into and dropping things. So around 9:30 I gave up and left the bedroom. Of course I closed the door so I wouldn't wake him. I read again for awhile and dozed briefly on the couch, then climbed back into bed around 10:45.

I did decide against sleeping pills again for the time being as I've continued reading and it sounds like forcing one's body to associate with bed with sleep is the best option. That means I have to get up and get out of bed if I can't fall asleep or stay asleep. I have to do that every time until my body understands what it's supposed to be doing when I lie down in bed. I haven't been able to solve this problem in over 10 years, but hope springs eternal!

We've had overcast skies all day and intermittent rain and sleet. But there were still plenty of signs of spring outside the window as I was worked from my home office today.