Mind Games

I've written here before about how easy it was for me to stay motivated the first time I lost weight back in 2011. I counted every calorie and never cheated, and was able to lose 35+ pounds in under four months. While I knew intellectually that losing weight wouldn't solve all of my problems, I think there was still an emotional part of me that thought it would indeed be a panacea for everything that ailed me. Because that emotional part of me now knows the bitter truth, I've slowly put weight back on and have really been struggling to lose weight again. I'll do a really good job counting my calories for about a week, then something will happen on the weekend and I'll totally derail myself again.

Since about mid-March I've been better. I haven't stayed 100% on track, but I haven't done a full reversal either. In order to really stay on track, I've started playing mind games with myself; and for the moment at least, I seem to be winning. I can't help but think of one of the quotes from the book, Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. (I miss reading bedtime stories to my kiddos).

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

I've been doing/thinking several things lately that are helping me to stay on track a little longer-term.

• I was looking through the L.L. Bean catalog that arrived in the mail and I thought a few of the clothes were kind of cute. If you've been reading for awhile, you know that I HATE clothes shopping. So as I looked through the catalog I reminded myself how much easier it is to buy clothes when I'm thin. Right now I don't know if things will look alright on me or not, so I have to go to the store and try them on. When I'm thinner, I can just look at something and decide I like it and then buy it. Because it doesn't have to help me to hide anything. So the catalog was helping me to feel motivated to eat right.
• When we went snowshoeing this year I couldn't even fasten my snow pants. The desire to be able to fit into the clothing and gear that I currently own (since again, I HATE shopping) is helping me to stay focused. I even put together this side-by-side picture of myself to remind myself not only that I look and feel better when I'm thinner, but that I can indeed lose weight.

• I get up at 4:15 in the morning to work out. I enjoy working out, and this isn't something that I ever miss. But I HATE getting up at 4:15 in the morning. It still feels like the middle of the night to me, and of course that time of morning is generally when I sleep best. While my workout should probably be enough of a motivation to get up, I've decided that it's also easier to get up when I see positive movement on the scale. So if I control my food and start losing weight, it's like getting a treat of a reminder of success when I stand on the scale first thing in the morning.

I wish I could just lose weight and not have to "trick" myself into winning this game that I'm playing against myself. But for whatever reason, it's not to be. So mind games it is. At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to finally get my weight, and by extension my health, back under control.