I Haven't Been Choosing My Course

Looking out my window at the snow in the sun yesterday afternoon.

My new (old) slide ruler and drafting tools.

I started this blog to make a record of my deliberate choices to be a better and healthier person, and hopefully inspire others along the way. Lately it seems like I've been doing a great deal of reacting rather than choosing, and exhibiting a pretty extreme external locus of control. I find this interesting because one of the things that makes me really good at my job is that I believe in continual improvement. I do the best I can for now, knowing that I may be able to figure out a way to do even better the next time. But I don't feel like there's something wrong with me for doing the best I can with what I have at the time. I truly see it as a journey and feel good about where I've been, where I'm at, and excited about where I'm going.

In my personal life on the other hand, I seem to have this issue where I expect myself to be perfect now and I can't see the journey. I don't feel good about where I've been since other than about a year and a half, I've been displeased with my body ever since I had my daughter nearly 14 years ago. I certainly don't feel good about where I am, I feel very fat again. I'm also not currently feeling hopeful about where I'll be. I want to be in better shape, but I honestly feel right now like it's a pipe dream that isn't going to happen because I seem to be incapable of making it happen.

So maybe the first thing I need to work on is convincing myself that my personal health is as much a journey as my skills and talents, and it's alright not to be perfect right now. I also need to work on finding a better way to deal with external stimuli, particularly when it's stressful. I need to stop using food, or wine, or venting as my response to help me through difficult situations. I need to find a healthy reaction that will help me to regain that internal locus of control. Although today wasn't as tough as yesterday was at work, I'm emotionally raw and had to close my office door for awhile this morning as I fought tears. I don't have any answers tonight. I just know that I need to make some changes in my mind if I ever want to succeed at making changes to my body.