Out of Pocket

I never found any time to post this weekend because my cousin is in town and we're spending so much time hanging out; plus I do still have to pay my bills, do my laundry, and generally keep up with my life!  This cousin was always the one I was closest to as a child, and I still really enjoy his company as an adult.  I also adore his wife and our kids really enjoy hanging out, so I'm very grateful that they like to come to Colorado every year for vacation.

Yesterday we spent the day at my mom's house where the kids swam and we walked to the park to play.

I'm going to be out of pocket for the next couple of weeks, so the posts will be sparse.  But I should be back in form starting in August.  Until then, I hope you all enjoy the warm summer weeks!

Maleficent Review

Last night my daughter and I went to see Maleficent and I promised a review today.  I went into the movie not really knowing what to expect based on the mixed reviews I'd read, and thoroughly enjoyed it.  It was predictable and Disney seems bound and determined to have a bad guy, so they made the king's decent in madness due to guilt rather dark and a bit overwrought.  It was definitely a kid's movie that was targeted to girls.  It was also a fun and sweet story, and Angelia Jolie played Maleficent brilliantly as a very strong and sympathetic character.  There was some subtle humor that worked well peppered throughout the film.  The version of Once Upon a Dream that played over the closing credits was haunting and fit really well with the overall mood of the film.

The message in the story reminded me of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine in high school.  Her father was a hyper-brilliant mathematician from Mexico who was rarely ever around because he was always so focused on his work, and her parents were going through a divorce at the time.  As we were walking home one day she told me that she didn't believe in love.  I asked her didn't she love her mother and brother (I left her dad out because the relationship was so complicated).  It was like a light came on and she realized that there are different types of love.  I don't want to say anymore because I'd give away too much.  Although you'll be able to figure out how the conflict will be resolved fairly early in the movie.  So to sum up the movie:  I don't think it's going to win any major awards, but if you go in with the proper expectations, it is a pleasant way to spend 97 minutes, especially if you have a daughter.

We had dinner out last night also and I decided to have iced tea to drink.  I figured: no calories and no chemicals.  I didn't stop to think about what having caffeine at 7:00 at night would do to me.  It didn't dawn on me what I'd done until about midnight when I was still lying in bed awake knowing that the alarm would sound at 4:15.  In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "D'oh!"

Mind Games and Snacking

Today I noticed something interesting:  I tend to snack when I want to procrastinate something, usually because a task is boring, or because I don't think I know how to accomplish a task.  It's another mental game I play with myself.  For some reason I think a snack is a valid reason not to work, even though I generally work while I'm having the snack.  I realize this makes no sense, but I really do think it's what's going on in my head.

Today I was working on a heavy-duty analysis project at work which is something I really enjoy, and I felt absolutely no desire to snack at all in the afternoon.  It probably helped that my lunch had a good amount of fiber and protein so I didn't have any physical cravings.  But often it's the emotional cravings, not the physical cravings, that cause me to reach for a snack.  So I've identified yet another trigger that's causing me to eat too much and not lose weight.  I'm hoping that evaluating my food issues and being honest with myself (and my readers) really will help me to get back into the proper mind-set to actually start eating right and losing weight.

I'm off for a mother-daughter evening tonight.  Since my husband and son are spending time together in Glenwood Springs, we're going to see Maleficent tonight.  I'm not sure what to expect as it's gotten very mixed reviews, but I'm really looking forward to sitting next to my daughter in a movie theater.  I'll let you know what I thought of the movie tomorrow.

My girl

Also, I posted a picture of my whiskey barrel with flowers right after I planted them.  I said it was a little sparse but should fill in nicely.  Look at it now!

Today

Back on June 5th

Mind Games and Humidity

This morning I went for a walk and had an aha moment with my food tracking.  A big part of the reason why I've been struggling so much to lose weight is because if I realize that I'm not going to hit my target calories for the day, I go into this weird mental place where I decide since I'm going over, I may as well go over big time.  I've noticed that the days where I'm not hitting my target are the days when I just think "oh well," and start shoving every piece of food I can find into my mouth.  So I told myself that it's alright if I go over, I can still track and try to stay close to my goal for the day.  It worked yesterday (which is probably why I had this epiphany).  So far it's worked today.  So maybe between managing to identify my motivation and this mind-game I've been playing with myself, I'll really be able to start making some progress again.

I also realized while I was walking this morning that it felt really muggy and that I was producing far more sweat than usual.  So I pulled out my phone and looked at the stats on Weather Bug.

100% humidity?!  I live in Colorado, not the Midwest.  Let me clarify, it wasn't raining, this was real humidity.  We give up some of the lush plants that are found in humid places in exchange for dry air.  Oh well, I'm sure it'll be dry as a bone again by next week, so I should probably just appreciate it while it lasts.

Weight Loss Journey and Motivation

I haven't been able to lose any weight since I started tracking again back in January.  As a matter of fact, I've actually put more weight on since then.  I think my biggest problem has been not really being able to identify my motivation.

Being completely honest, at one time my biggest motivation was how I looked.  I was embarrassed to be seen in a swimming suit and wanted to look better.  But it's hard to care as much about that when being skinny and fit can't do as much to improve my looks as it once could.  Lots of people told me that once you hit 40 things just change.  Boy were they right!  My wrinkles are much more pronounced and my eyebrows are...disappearing.  Plus I've been having a breakout of pimples lately.  How is that fair:  wrinkles and pimples?!  After giving birth to and nursing two children, gravity is taking over everywhere and neither my front nor my back are where they used to be.  So the upshot of all of this is that while I still want to look as good as possible, there's not much I can do about some of my current physical issues.

I know that my real motivation should be my health and being able to continue doing things that I enjoy like hiking and hanging out with my kiddos.  But the reality of that situation is that I am very healthy based on my latest blood tests, and I have plenty of energy to hang with my children (other than when I haven't slept).  I think that's actually been the biggest part of my problem with getting my head back in the game:  I'm currently fit and healthy enough to do those things.

So I have to figure out why it even matters if I lose weight.  I think the real reason is because in the absence of getting my weight back down to a more reasonable number, it just continues to rise, and it will eventually become a problem again.  Additionally, I do think that some of my sleeping issues and my knee and hip pains would be lessened with less weight on my frame.  I don't want to be like my father and be spectacularly unhealthy and miserable (I know there were extenuating circumstances and I do have some sympathy, I just don't want to feel like that), and I certainly want to live longer than 67 years.

I'm just a smidge under 5'5" tall.  When I started high school I weighed 105 pounds.  I got more heavily involved in sports during my high school years and started doing some weight training, and finished my senior year at 115 pounds.  I managed to avoid the full "freshman 15" when I started college, and when I got my bachelor's degree I weighed about 122 pounds.  Then I got married and my weight crept up to about 128 pounds.  Then I got pregnant with my daughter and my weight plummeted back down to 115 pounds.  It's amazing how easy it is to lose weight when you can't eat!

Before I got pregnant with my son I was back up to about 132 pounds.  I didn't lose weight during that pregnancy, and reached 160 pounds right before he was born.  In 2010 when I listened to a doctor explain to my dad that he didn't feel good because of his weight, I had reached a non-pregnancy high weight of 150 pounds.  When I stood on the Wii Fit the little line had crossed over from high-normal to overweight.  So in 2011 I set a goal of getting my weight back down to 128 pounds.  But I was so successful that I actually dropped all the way back down to 112 pounds before stabilizing at my high school graduation weight of 115 pounds.  I stayed there for nearly a year before I started letting my weight creep back up again.  This morning when I stood on the scale it showed 138 pounds.

Since I've attempted to start losing weight again in January my goal was somewhere around 115 pounds.  But I don't know that 115 pounds is a reasonable goal for me.  I know that I can get there, but I don't think I can stay there long-term since it means giving up too much.  Some people told me I was too skinny at that weight (I'm not entirely sure I agree), but it was hard at family gatherings when I had to be so careful that I think it hurt people's feelings.  So my new goal is 125 pounds.  I know I can stay there without being careful all the time; I can have the occasional treat at that weight as long as I'm good most of the time.  My new motivation is not carrying this much extra weight on my frame so I feel better.  I'll continue to report on my progress, and truly hope that this time I really have recaptured my motivation.  Maybe only having 13 pounds to go will help too.

Renaissance Festival and My Little Creek

Colorado has very large Renaissance Festival every summer.  This year is the 38th season that Larkspur has hosted the impressively enormous event.  In the morning the highway (I-25) is always backed up in the middle of nowhere near the exit of this tiny little town (the 2012 population was 192).  When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I used to make it a point to visit every summer with friends.  It's quite a spectacle and people dress in some very interesting, and sometimes materially-challenged costumes.  We attended more sporadically after the kids were born, and hadn't been in probably about seven years.

With some family in town visiting, we decided to make the trip down there again this year and check it out.  It was still just as remarkable, but I find myself less interested in seeing quite so much skin now that I'm a little older, and have little eyes that I'm responsible for.  But Larkspur is still a very beautiful area of the state.  Sorry it's not the clearest picture, everyone was ready to go by this point and I only had my camera phone so I had to take a quick snapshot.

I think I probably would have enjoyed myself a little bit more if I hadn't been with some family who have become increasingly uptight about anything that doesn't fit into very traditional norms.  So I spent way too much of my time worried about how they'd react to certain things to be able to relax and just enjoy the weirdness.  

But the good news is that the family headed home this morning and I've got a great week in front of me.  I get to spend time with my immediate family and my mom early in the week.  Then my husband and son are going to Glenwood Springs to hike, swim, and just spend time together.  So my daughter and I have some uninterrupted mother-daughter time coming up.  Then next weekend my cousin and his family will be coming into town for a visit.  I truly enjoy their company and am really looking forward to that visit.

This morning I was working from home and my son asked if I would take him to the summer program today.  So I walked him to school this morning down the creek that runs behind our house.  I saw a family of hawks with squawking babies.  I listened to the water running, and watched the early morning sun shining on leaves blowing in the wind.  One of my very favorite stories is The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving.  I enjoy a scary story anytime, but one of the other reasons I like it so well is because his vivid description of the Hudson River Valley in the late 18th century just brings the woods to life.  Sometimes when I'm walking along the creek, especially in the fall, I almost feel like I can block out the houses on either side of the creek and imagine that I'm walking along a tributary of the Hudson in the 1790s.  Yeah, it's a stretch of the imagination, but it's still a beautiful natural area in the midst of suburbia.  Unfortunately I once again only had my camera phone, but still got a few pretty shots.

Hawk family

Sunlit path

Bridge and grass

A Little Rant about Objectivity and How We Treat Others

I'm going to ask for your indulgence today because I intend to rant a little bit (or more than a little bit).  I don't like how uncivil political discussions have become.  People seem to labor under the belief that those who disagree with them are at best uninformed and at worst stupid and ill-intentioned.  There seems to be a real lack of understanding that two reasonably intelligent people can be presented with the exact same information and draw different conclusions about that information, both with good intentions.

There has been a great deal of research done about the confirmation bias.  From a Princeton website (although there is a warning not to cite it, hmm):

Confirmation bias is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.  As a result, people gather evidence and recall information from memory selectively, and interpret it in a biased way. The biases appear in particular for emotionally significant issues and for established beliefs.

I recently listened to an auditory illusion (I highly recommend scrolling down to the sound bite and listening to it, it's really fascinating, and short) which demonstrates how our brains use information.  Essentially we use information we've already heard to make sense of something new we're hearing.  We also know that we don't just objectively see what's in front of us.  A signal is sent from our eyes to our brains where the information is interpreted, which is one of the reasons why there is now some debate about the reliability of eyewitness testimony, particularly in emotionally charged situations.  The reason I'm bringing all of this up is because I think that most people believe they approach situations more objectively than they are in reality.  So I think it's somewhat harmful to think that anyone has all the right information and answers and that others are wrong, or even worse, bad, just because they don't agree with us.

Most of us have heard the saying that past performance is the best predictor of future performance.  This is why I think it's so important to study history.  However, based on the research I was pointing out in the preceding paragraphs, I think it's very important to make sure we're studying history correctly.  I love history, and probably about every 3rd or 4th book that I read is a history book.  I've found that there are generally two different approaches to gathering historical information:  Searching for evidence that supports a pre-determined notion (confirmation bias); or trying to look at all sides of a situation and evaluating several source documents before drawing a conclusion.  I imagine you can guess which method I think is superior.  I try to read several books about any situation or time period that I'm interested in, and I try to make sure in the footnotes that they aren't all citing the same interpretive sources.

I LOVE math.  When I'm working on a complicated formula at work, the time flies and I feel good about what I've accomplished at the end of the day.  I think statistics is a very powerful tool that can help us to understand a situation and make decisions about how to proceed based on predictions.  It's also one of the most misused mathematical tools.  Bayesian statistics is in my opinion the superior approach to statistics because you continually update your prediction model based on new information as it comes in.  It's an approach that can help to offset the problem caused by preconceived notions and tends to lead to more accurate predictions over time.  For a very good description of the method you can read Nate Silver's The Signal and the Noise where he has an entire chapter dedicated to Bayesian methods, unless you're not as geeky as I am, in which case you can just click the link above or do a quick Google search.

The point of all of this is that it's difficult for humans to be objective and always make the right choices.  So deciding that someone else is bad or ignorant because their beliefs are different shows a serious lack of understanding of our own challenges with objectivity.  If more people understood this, we could probably have less contentious discussions and more conversations where we seek to understand another's point of view.

I actually enjoy political discussions with  my father-in-law who has very different beliefs and opinions than I do.  Because he and I both believe that the other person is good and intelligent (although I think he's WAY smarter than I am), we are able to have a respectful discussion and listen to why we've each drawn the conclusions we have.  But I really hate political discussions with both my brother and my brother-in-law's wife, because although my brother says he thinks I'm really smart, I get the distinct impression that they both believe I'm uninformed and that's why I don't believe the same way they do.  Unfortunately they both enjoy debate and so in order to maintain relationships, I end up staying silent and walking away.  (And religious discussions:  Not touching that with a ten-foot pole!)  Sometimes it's wearing to feel like I'm being respectful of their beliefs but not getting the same respect in return.

Anyway, rant over.  My brother-in-law and his family are in town right now and the first few nights were really fun, but my sister-in-law can't seem to stay away from political topics for very long, and gets pretty confrontational with anyone who disagrees with her.  So this has been in my face recently and I needed to vent.  Maybe it will help to remember why I'm choosing to react in this passive manner.  I'm choosing to maintain positive relationships with my family members instead of engaging in contentious and unproductive discussions that won't change anyone's mind and can damage those relationships.  It really is all about choices.

In a totally unrelated topic, I was walking around the yard this morning and snapped a couple of photos that I wanted to share below.

We're going to have blackberries soon

Maple leaves in the early morning sun

So Tired, So Tired

I'm currently listening to Ozzy in my head singing, "I am so tired, so tired."  My husband's brother and his family are currently in town visiting, so we've been getting together every evening and staying up WAY past my bedtime, and I'm still having to get up at 4:15 every morning to work out before heading into the office.  This morning when the alarm went off I seriously considered resetting it for 30 or 45 minutes later and skipping the work out.  But I didn't.  I got up and did a new work out on the Skimble Workout Trainer App called Brazilian Booty.  I was even able to do the jumping squats and plyometric jumping jacks.  I did have to slightly modify the glute bridge leg circles though.  I just couldn't do it for 50 seconds twice, so I did as many leg circles as I could then just held the glute bridge.

I found in the past that's is so easy to make excuses not to work out, and often times the excuses really do seem legitimate.  But if I allow myself to make an excuse today, it's just easier to make one again tomorrow and the next day, and then I'm not working out at all.  I remember one time in the past when I wanted to start running again.  I had my gym bag with me and had marked my lunch hour off on my work calendar (this was back when I worked across the street from an open space and could work out at lunch).  The sky started getting darker and darker, and by lunch time it was raining.  I don't generally wear makeup, and I always just brush my hair out and let it air dry, so I decided that day that the rain didn't matter.  I was going for a run.  Because I knew that if I didn't just make myself start again, I never would.  It was the memory of that situation that decided me this morning: no skipping.

So I'm doing really well on the exercise front, but I'm doing pretty horribly on the food front.  With the family in town I've been eating some really bad foods, and far too much food in general.  This morning I stood on the scale and my weight is back above where it was when I started trying to lose weight again several months ago.  Exercise is a very important part of healthy choices, but exercise isn't what helps me to lose weight.  Eating the right foods in the appropriate amounts is how I lose weight.  I know this because that's what worked in the past.  I've been trying to remember how I got into the proper mindset to lose weight previously, and I just can't figure it out.  I do recall a conversation with one of my good friends back then who said she didn't understand how I could be controlling my calories so well when work was so stressful since we were going through a merger.  I told her that it felt like one thing that I could control in an otherwise uncontrollable and difficult time.  Maybe I need a large stressor again?!  I hope I figure it out again soon, because I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin.

Last night when we were headed home from my husband's grandparents house (far too late) I noticed the almost full moon peaking out from behind the clouds.  By the time I was able to take a picture, I couldn't see the moon at all, just the moonlight shining from behind the clouds.  This morning when I was doing my work out I noticed the moon getting ready to set, so it was that lovely orange color it takes on when it's close to the horizon, but I wasn't able to get the camera out in time to capture that photo.  It felt like the moon was playing peek-a-boo with me!

I also saw a very interesting flower today that reminded me of Dr. Seuss's lorax trees.

Gratitude and Friendship

I wasn't able to post last night because we were out with my brother-in-law and his family since they're in town visiting.  My sister-in-law used to be my closest female friend, but several years ago she and her husband (my husband's brother) went through a transformation because they were dissatisfied with their lives.  It was very difficult for all of us and they weren't willing to discuss anything other than the changes they were making, so I lost that friendship.  We never stopped talking or anything, I just couldn't share my deepest thoughts and what was going in my life any longer.  As part of the transformation, they eventually moved away to buy property and get away from the prevailing political and religious beliefs in the Denver metro area.

They got in Tuesday night and the conversations I've been having with my sister-in-law feel very much like the old conversations pre-transformation.  It's almost like it was about 6 years ago again.  I'm not sure why this is; maybe it's because they're happier with their life now and don't feel it's necessary to constantly discuss it or try to convert everyone.  But whatever the reason, I'm feeling extremely grateful for this time and the chance to catch up.  I don't think my husband is having exactly the same experience with his brother, he also lost his closest male friend and concert buddy when this happened.  But I think he's finding it much easier to be with his brother than it had been in long time.  Plus, I'm really glad to see my nieces again since these kiddos grow up so darn fast!

We only get a few days with them here and then they'll head back home.  But I'm going to try to really enjoy the visit while they're here.  It's nice to be pleasantly surprised by people and to just feel gratitude for what is right now.

Paint, Carpet, and Chaos

Bee on our flowers

My wonderful husband who doesn't work during the summer (he's a teacher) always takes care of all the housework during these months and tackles a rather daunting honey-do list.  The weekend before last he painted and we now have a cheerful green accent wall in our living room and family room.  Yesterday he cleaned all of the carpets.  While I'm extremely appreciative that those things got done (and that I didn't have to do much work), the house has been in a bit of a shambles since one has to move furniture to paint and clean carpets.  Thus no blog post yesterday, because it was just too hard to get to my computer.  Well...maybe that's just an excuse since it's a laptop.  But we did go out to dinner and then my husband and son went for a bike ride while my daughter and I went for a walk.  So we just weren't in the house very much yesterday.

I do have a funny story to share from yesterday.  Since we needed to be out of the house to let the carpets dry, we went out to dinner last night.  My son (he's ten) ordered macaroni and cheese bites.  I asked him how his dinner was and he answered me, "hot...just like our waitress."  Did I mention that he's ten?!  We've got a real lady's man on our hands.

Things are going to be incredibly busy over the next few weeks.  We've got family coming into town tonight, and then different family coming in on the 19th.  So my posts may be a little spotty for a time since I think my evenings are going to be spoken for.  But I guess it's good to have plenty to do on summer evenings.  I hope you're all having a great summer, and I promise to post as often as possible.  Even if it's just a humorous anecdote featuring my son!

Stormy skies

More stormy skies

No Weigh-In

I'm not posting a weigh-in again this week, even though I'm home and able to do so.  I've been somewhat stressed out lately, and I've been using food to feel good about something for a short time.

I've been having a hard time with my family gatherings since my dad's death about two and half months ago.  My dad was a difficult man who demanded perfection from those around him and would bitterly berate anyone who fell short of his expectations.  The irony of his own imperfections was lost on no one, including him, which is one of the reasons he fought depression.  But he was a balancing influence in the family, and helped to keep the inevitable conversations about religion and politics much more reasonable.  Now that he's gone, those conversations are very one-sided, and I feel like a pariah in my family because I don't share the same views as everyone else.

My son has been having more and more good days lately, but this weekend when we told the kids that we were cleaning, he had a really bad day.  He became this whole other person, and we saw a nasty side of his personality not normally in view.  He actually admitted at one point that he liked making everyone else upset because it was fun when he was in that kind of a mood.  My husband and I think it's some twisted form on attention-seeking and controlling behaviors.  But whatever caused it; it was a rough day.  I felt like a failure as a mother and allowed my own temper to get the better of me.  I had to apologize afterwards for screaming, and I do mean actual screaming, and door slamming.

This is also just a difficult time of year for me.  Since my husband is a teacher, he and the kids are off during the summer.  So every weekday morning I get ready in a dark house and leave while everyone else is still sleeping.  I know this isn't a big deal, but it wears on me as the summer wears on.  I start to feel somewhat resentful and it makes it even harder to go to work every day.

I know this is just a bunch of lame excuses and that the real issue is more likely that I'm afraid of failure, so I'm setting myself up to fail on purpose.  Now that I've been able to articulate all of this, I think I can use some mental strategies to make some changes in my behaviors.  Next weekend I'll be home and will do a weigh-in.

On a more positive note, we were able to watch the fireworks on Friday night.  We got a deluge that afternoon, and I was in jeans and a sweatshirt after 96 degrees earlier that day, but we got to watch the show.  We sat on a blanket on top of a tarp so we didn't get soaked.  It was an amazing show this year and I really enjoyed being out there.

Happy 4th of July!

Independence Day has always been one of my favorite holidays.  There's something magical about sitting outside under the night sky and watching colorful explosions.  We've always spent time with family on the holiday.  July 4, 1997 was the first time my husband met my parents.  I have lots of wonderful memories of the holiday and enjoy it even more now with my kiddos.

We're having some inclement weather this year, so there's a chance that we may not get to watch the fireworks tonight.  I'm hoping that even if it's pouring rain we can walk down to the open space and watch the fireworks at the city center.  We normally walk over the city park and sit on the hillside, but it may be standing under a tree at the bottom of the creek this year.  We'll just have to see.

This morning we went hiking with my mom, aunt, and my brother and his family.  It was a nice hike, but my nephew (he's 4 years old) and the dogs were having problems with the hike and the heat, so we had to cut it short and didn't get to go for as long as we'd planned.  I think we'll have to go back again and complete this hike, because it was beautiful.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed here in Colorado because there are just so many people.  But then I have views like this and know that I don't want to leave.  Plus, although it was very hot today, at least we never have to deal with humidity!

Choosing Not to Feel Intentionally Bad

I follow several blogs related to my field of work.  There is one in particular aimed at the millennial generation that has a very large following which I started reading several years ago.  I realized after awhile that it was making me feel bad.  The person who writes this blog believes that she is extremely smart and sees the world differently than the average person.  So she makes connections and expresses opinions that often go against the grain.  At first I thought it would be good for me to read her posts because it would cause me to think differently about certain things.  But then I started feeling concerned that maybe I was doing everything wrong, both at work and at home.

This writer strikes me as overly confident in her ability to make connections about different aspects of life.  Although she’s really only stating opinions that she’s formed through those connections, not providing research-based information.  Frequently her opinions are a bit off-kilter.  I don’t think there’s nothing to what she states, but it may not be as strong as she believes it to be.  That never really bothered me in the past, then I noticed a trend in her comments that truly did bother me.  She seems to have a large number of sycophantic commenters who just gush about how wonderful everything she just said was.  She often either completely ignores, or replies in a cruel and defensive manner, to anyone who disagrees with her, even when the disagreement is respectful.  She told one commenter (who was of course gushing about how wonderful she is) that she wants the conversation.  However, her actions clearly speak louder than her words here and she obviously doesn’t want the disagreement; she only wants the fawning comments.

For awhile I tried to keep reading because it did give me an interesting intellectual counterpoint to which I can react to.  But eventually I had to make the choice to stop reading her blog.  It was making me feel bad, and I have enough things in my life right now that make feel bad.  I know I'm not perfect, but I am trying to make choices that are consistent with my values and I didn't need to constantly feel attacked for trying my best.

In today's photography news, I left the house a little early this morning to try and capture some sunrise photos.  Yesterday morning was very hazy and we had this beautiful, amazing red sunrise.  I was hoping to be able to capture that this morning and did get some pretty pictures, but they aren't as stunning as yesterday morning.

In today's completely random news, it's HOT this afternoon.  I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to temperature:  I get cold really easily, and I'm miserable and lethargic when it's too hot.  I have a very narrow temperature band in which I feel comfortable.  Sigh...

Choosing the Middle

I'm sure you're all familiar with the song Stuck in the Middle With You by the Jeff Healey Band.  I don't feel stuck in the middle at all, I've made a choice to be in the middle and I'm happy with that choice.  I read employment law blogs (exciting, I know!) because it helps me to stay informed and make better decisions at work.  I happened to notice the comments on a blog about the SCOTUS ruling in the Hobby Lobby case and was somewhat stunned at the blinders some people are wearing.

The political left is an angry group. Things occasionally don’t go their way and they throw a snit.

The same thing could be said for the political right - only more so.

I will admit that I laughed out loud and then rolled my eyes.  It started me thinking about Extreme's album Three Sides To Every Story.  Yours, mine, and the truth.  Anytime someone becomes overly fond of their own opinion, we see hyperbole and anger.  The reality is that most of the time, the truth and the best path forward lies somewhere in between the extremes.  At work the other day an issue arose and one person was pretty flippant about it, and another person acted like it was this unsolvable crisis.  The reality was it was kind of a problem, but it could be fixed.

Once when my brother was still in college he stopped by my house after a class.  His professor had asked the class who believed in capital punishment.  He told them to move to one side of the room if they believed in it, and the other side of the room if they didn't believe in it.  My brother was very frustrated that most of the class stayed in the middle of the room and made a comment that night that the problem with the world was all the damn fence-sitters.  I think the fence-sitters are actually the solution.  People who can look at all sides of the issues and understand that they may not have all the answers can help bring more people together and help move the conversation forward.  So I'm happily in the middle understanding that I don't have all the answers and that people who have different opinions than I do aren't bad or stupid.

Here are some pictures from my walk along the creek tonight.

Choosing My Own Definition of Success

I saw an article recently that I really liked and that started me thinking about how I choose to define success.  It also reminded me of some advice from Bill Watterson that really spoke to me.

How do we define success?  I think if we're not careful, someone else defines it for us.  I think this may be where some people's mid-life crises come from.  People go along doing what they think they should be doing, and one day realize that they don't know why they did all of that.  They start to question if all that toil actually resulted in the success they wanted to see.

All false modesty aside, I'm pretty good at my job.  I've been offered promotions into higher-level positions by pretty much every boss I've ever reported to.  I may sometimes feel like I'm not totally in the driver's seat myself when it comes to defining what success is for me; but I have always declined those promotions because I knew that climbing the corporate ladder was not it.  It can be difficult when other people are so readily telling us what success should look like.  But I truly believe that real contentment and pride is a result of discovering and staying true to our own definition of success.

I define success as supporting my family by doing something I’m good at and that contributes to something larger than myself; while still having time to hang out with my family.  I’m not interested in a big title or an enormous salary.  I just want to be able to provide for my family without being absent.  I guess I’ve always felt this way even if I haven’t articulated it well in the past, which is why I’ve made the decisions that have led to this point.  It’s also why I’ve never been one to be alright with working insane hours (that, and I’m one of those people for whom productivity suffers if I work too long without breaks).

I think I’m starting to understand why studies have shown that older people are happier.  I think there’s something to getting to know yourself better over time and feeling happier and more content with your choices and the course you choose.  I don't have all the answers and I mess up and choose poorly on a regular basis.  But the overall pattern of choices is consistent with my values of family first.  So today I'm feeling alright with how I've defined success and what I've accomplished.

Just after sunrise this morning