Wish I had my camera

We've had some beautiful snows here in Colorado over the last couple of weeks.  This morning I was appreciating both the pine trees and the deciduous trees that were covered in a beautiful veil of white that sparkled in the lights.  The new moon was just rising in the east and made for an idyllic winter scene. I was also desperately wishing I had time to stop and take a picture.  But I would have had to get the tripod out since it was still dark and I didn't have time to do that since I needed to get to work.

I truly love the work that I do, since it's basically solving math and logic puzzles all day.  I am fully aware of how lucky I am to be able to spend my days doing work that I'm good at and that I enjoy.  But I do frequently wish I could work part-time, and from home.  I work with lots of driven people who don't have time for any other hobbies because they're always working.  I just can't do that.  I want to spend time with my family and on my other hobbies; like photography.

Since I can't provide a picture of our lovely, glittery morning snow, here's a picture from a snowshoeing trip in Rocky Mountain National Park.

Choosing to Eat Right

I have really been making an effort over the past couple of years to eat right and get plenty of exercise.  I do pretty good with the exercise since I have a scheduled time for it; 4:15 in the morning.  Not fun, but that way I'm sure to get it in every day.  I'm also signed up to do 10 5Ks this year, one a month starting in March, so I'm working on training for those.  I have a harder time making good choices about food.

I know what I should be eating, and how much I should be eating.  I've gotten pretty good about not stress eating any longer for the most part.  I still have my occasional day when everything is so overwhelming that I just want comfort food, but I generally recognize that craving and don't give in to it.  My biggest problem is when I'm tired, which is most of the time.  You can read about that here.  I know my body needs something (rest) which I can't give it most of the time.  So I try to compensate by giving it something else (food).  This is not healthy at all, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the compulsion to feed my exhaustion.

As a result, I've put some of my weight back on.  Not all of it, thank goodness, but enough that it's noticeable and it's causing some problems.  Back at the beginning of 2011 I lost about 35 pounds and got back down to my high school weight of 115 pounds.  It was very difficult to maintain, I could only ever go back to eating about 1500 calories a day and it's harder when you don't have a goal that you're working towards.  Also, several people told me I was too skinny.  So I don't actually know that I'm going to try to get back down to that weight.  But I do want to get back down to about 122 pounds.  I feel good at that weight and I can wear pretty much whatever I want to.  This morning the scale said 136 pounds, so I've got 14 pounds to lose again.  So I guess it's time to go back to weekly tracking and reporting, as that seemed to really help me focus before.

Now I just need to figure out how to mentally remind myself that eating when I'm tired doesn't help.  I also maybe need to figure out how to get more rest on a regular basis.  Of course I'm not willing to talk to the doctor about it until I've lost some weight since I know that will be one of the first suggestions.  I have hope that when my kids grow up and move out, I'll have more time on my hands and will perhaps be able to catch a 20 minute cat-nap when I need it, even if I don't ever get better rest overnight.  'Cause you know, hope springs eternal!

Image:  Creative Commons Photo "Needle felted cakes" by ZulfiaM

Choosing To Do Better

I haven’t posted in quite a while because I’ve been feeling...discontented.  I don’t enjoy my own company all that much when I’m whiney, so I didn’t want to impose it on anyone else.  I want to clarify a few things here right off the bat.  I am fully aware that my problems are “first world problems” and that viewed with the proper perspective, they aren’t such a big deal.  Also, I have so much for which to be thankful, most importantly my wonderful and supportive family.  Nevertheless, I do still experience feelings and emotions with which I must deal.

I suppose my biggest issue right now is how terribly tired I feel all the time.  I have what’s referred to as “sleep maintenance insomnia.”  Normally when I first go to bed I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep within about 15 to 20 minutes.  But after about 1 ½ to 2 hours I wake up and can’t fall back asleep.  I’ve had this problem for about a decade now.  I think it may have started after my second child was born, seeing as how he didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was 9 months old.  Although I probably shouldn’t complain, my mom tells me my brother didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was 5 years old!  I lack energy most of the time, especially in the afternoons which is my body’s normal rhythmic downtime.  Of course lacking energy and feeling exhausted makes me less capable of dealing with the feelings of discontentment that I’ve been experiencing.

I guess it still comes back to choices.   Am I going to choose to make the time to write and post even when I'm tired?  I'm certainly going to choose to try harder,  because I do think it helps when we let each other know that we're not alone,  and that other people are experiencing many of the same thoughts,  feelings,  and daily hassles.  So I will try to post more often, even when I'm tired and discontented!

That Infamous Road Which is Paved with Good Intentions

I had drafted a post shortly after my last entry and was all ready to go, but I was in such a foul mood when I wrote it that I’m glad I never found the time to post it.  Life got in the way of posting my writing.  Or more specifically, I was trying to balance work, house, kids, husband, and an online class in regression analysis.  I was feeling like the line in a song by Enchant, “and now my choice is juggling nine or dropping ten.”  Let’s just say that I felt like I was dropping everything.  I did have a few minutes of downtime here and there, but I thought if I attempted to write it would just be incoherent gibberish, and I didn’t want to burden my readers with that!  However, I also recognize that I make choices about how to spend my downtime and I haven’t been very dedicated to writing (online) lately.  I generally still find time to journal as that is how I mentally process.

Even when I’m incredibly busy I also find time to read since I ride the bus to and from work most days.  I recently read Maxed Out:  American Moms on the Brink by Katrina Alcorn because the topic obviously resonated with me.  I thought it was a brave memoir of one mother’s struggle to balance work and family, although I probably wouldn’t have read it if that was all it was.  After all, I have enough first-hand experience with this, as do all of my working mother friends.  But it brought up some of the systemic issues which contribute to the problem, not the least of which is mothers being jealous of and unkind to each other.  So when I saw this blog post by Molly Stillman called “Dear Moms, You’re Doing a Great Job”, it practically made me cry because it was so sweet, positive, and supportive.  After I read it I actually felt much better and realized that I am doing my best to balance everything.  

I was especially grateful for that post after reading this article where the CEO and chairman of Xerox was quoted as saying “Pick the places where you want to be great, focus your energies there, and then go do it.”  Along with, “Understand you're not going to be great at everything, and then relax."  It’s good advice, but I can’t always make it work.  I want to be a great wife, mother, and employee.  I don’t think that’s unreasonable.  I’ve given up on the idea of having a high-level position as a choice to spend less time at work, but I still want to be a good employee in my lower-level role. Until I read that post by Molly Stillman, II felt like I was living in dissonance with my values because I wasn’t spending enough time with my family.  Her post (not the article) made me stop and realize that I do make sure that the limited time I have with my family is quality time.    

Yes, these are “first-world problems”, and yes, I recognize that perhaps I should just make a choice not to be a good employee if my values dictate that my family is first.  I do have to support my family financially and in order to do that I have to be a good employee.  Also, I like the work I do and find it intellectually stimulating.  But I guess the real rub here is that I don’t want to be put in a position where I have to make that choice.  So it was very refreshing to see someone contribute to the conversation in a positive way and in a way that actually made me feel better, instead of more desperate.  

I’ve decided that I need to choose to surround myself with more positivity.  I had been feeling somewhat discouraged about the human race in general lately due to being steeped in negativity, especially since I consume my news online (note to self:  Stop reading comments!)  But I was reawakened to the inherent goodness in the human race and everything we can do for each other by this blog post.  So to everyone out there, not just moms, I know that you’re all doing the best you can, and if we all do our part to support and validate each other, the world will be a better place.

Abundant Autumn

I love fall.  I love the cooler air, the vibrant colors, and the rich smells of fall.  I anxiously anticipate our annual trip to the pumpkin patch, and harvesting the last of the peppers and tomatoes from our garden.  I have a pretty much iron-clad excuse to watch horror movies as soon as we flip the calendar over to October; not that I don't watch horror movies the rest of the year, I can just do so with impunity in October.

I also look forward to reading the stories that I save exclusively for this time of year.  The anthology October Dreams edited by Richard Chizmar and Robert Morrish is absolutely my favorite collection of Halloween stories anywhere.  Plus as an added bonus, many famous horror authors record their favorite Halloween memories.  I can't recommend it enough if you enjoy a good scare in your reading or if you just want to recapture childhood memories of Halloween.  While it's hard to see in this picture with my chrysanthemums, the poor book is a bit worn after being read annually for about ten years now.  The other story I have to read every October is The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving.  I actually read this one with my children now that they're old enough to appreciate it (9 and 12).  The prose is simply beautiful and so evocative of the abundance of autumn.  

I can't help but feel very grateful this time of year, so it isn't difficult to choose the proper mindset of appreciation.  I've got a couple more posts percolating about choosing to be good to others which will be coming soon.  In the meantime, check out the stories above and/or enjoy the pictures of the Colorado aspens.  And of course, enjoy abundant autumn!

Choosing NOT to Decide - Government Shutdown

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.  - A line from Freewill by Rush

Our elected officials have abdicated their responsibility to choose a sensible path for our country here in America.  People are standing on principles that don’t make any sense.  The government has the charge to enact laws that are best for the majority of the people.  This means that no one particular ideological stance is going to make sense for everyone.  People need to talk to and listen to each other and try to find win-win solutions.  

I am dismayed by adults that act like 5-year old children throwing a temper tantrum and refuse to listen to others or even acknowledge that others might have a different and valid point of view.  Please note that I am not “taking sides” here; I’m blaming everyone who has been elected as a public servant but fails to understand their duty to said public.

Of course I think a big part of the problem is how much time people in general spend ranting and raving about their pet soapbox (and yes, I’m fully aware of the irony here), rather than having rational conversations and attempting to understand another’s view.  Internet comments tend to be filthy with negative comments and name-calling, rather than calm discussion about disagreements.  

Can’t we all choose to do better than this?  I wonder what we, as the human race, could accomplish if, instead of putting each other down, we propped each other up.  What if we all helped each other to identify our strengths so we could spend our time using them and thus feel successful and happy?  What if, when we have the inevitable difference of opinion, we calmly and respectfully disagreed and listened, rather than devolving to name-calling and personal attacks?  Perhaps I should stop following politics and reading internet comments which seem to bring out the very worst in people so that I can retain my faith in the inherent goodness of people.

Alright, I’m now stepping off of my soapbox and choosing to be the change I want to see in the world.  Feel free to disagree with me in the comments, respectfully of course!

Image:  Creative Commons Photo "Argument between daughter and mother" by Tambako the Jaguar

Choice Quote

This weekend we drove up into the Colorado mountains to view the changing aspen trees.  It was a perfect day to see the colors against the backdrop of a clear, blue sky.

This morning I had a cup of Celestial Seasonings Lemon Zinger tea and here was the quote on my tea bag:
"Choose well.  Your choice is brief, and yet endless."  - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A good reminder.  We often make our choices after a rather brief deliberation.  But our life is made up of all of those little choices combined to define our ultimate path.